My father died 14 years ago

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Hi Everyone!! I hope you're OK.I often think back on the relationship I had with my father. But even more so on October the 10th. My dad died on this day back in 1993. That's 14 years ago. I was 30 years old when he died. He was 62. Given the fact that his parents both died in their 90's and that his two brothers are still alive and well - I'm sure my dad would not have died when he did if it were not for the fact that he abused his body by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol for years and years. My brother talked to the coroner who performed the autopsy. The coroner told my brother that he could tell by the damage caused to my father's internal organs [By alcohol] that we [The family] must have had a very difficult time with him. And indeed we did. His grave-side service was held on October the 14th. It was a nice 'service'. But oddly enough - I was the only one who cried. Not even his parents cried. In fact - I was SO upset that a few others at the service become upset watching me. [So I was told] Why did I cry? Did I miss my dad and want him back? No. And isn't that sad? I cried because in that stainless steel coffin [Something my father wanted] was not just my dad but also all of my hope. What died was the hope I had held onto [All those years] that one day my dad would become the kind of dad that I always wanted and NEEDED. Not only did I bury my dad that day - but I also buried that hope with him. No longer was there ANY chance that I would EVER have that special 'dad'. There was a play written by 'Robert Anderson' called, "I Never Sang for my Father." That play was turned into a movie of the same name starring Melvyn Douglas and Gene Hackman. [In 1970] I doubt any of you have ever even heard of the movie. [Let alone the play] Not many people have. It's a special play/movie for me because the father character reminds me a great deal of my own father. Oddly enough - a few years after I first saw that movie - I was taking acting classes. We each were given a 'monologue' to read - one chosen by the teacher. The teacher chose parts for us to read out loud in front of the class - parts that she felt might have some significance for us. The part she chose for me was the part of 'Gene' - the son of the father in, "I Never Sang for my Father." I could hardly believe it. The part I read was said by the 'Gene' character at the very end of the movie. What he said - in part - was this...."Death ends life. but it does not end a relationship, whichstruggles on in the survivors mind - toward some resolution - which it never finds."All these 14 years later - I can assure you - death does NOT end a relationship. The best anyone can hope for is to make that never ending relationship become less significant. And the only way we can do that is by moving on with our own lives and creating new memories. All we can do is accept the past and TRY not to let it influence our present and refuse to allow it to be used as a road map to our future. If you would like to read the ending of that play in its entirety - click on THIS. What you will find on that page was the entire monologue that I read out in class. For any guy reading this - IF you are a 'dad' or ever plan on becoming one - NEVER underestimate just how important you are to your son or daughter. Generally speaking - a mother's love is expected but a father's love is earned. When a child feels unloved - it is almost always because they feel as though they failed to earn their father's love. Something to think about. GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

while I can see your pain in your words, and I can get the message, what exactly are you trying to get out of this post?just passing on experience and trying to explain how vital the father child relationship is? or are you seeking some type of help for your feelings over your past?if its the latter, I have no clue what to tell you, if its the prior, I agree 100%I hope ya find what your looking for, lifes a bitch and not an easy thing to get through no matter who ya are let alone when bad shit happens at an early age.Good luck

Thanks, Craig, That was very poignant. I need to be a better father.

Hi Grvtykllr!! I hope you're OK.I've been an ATA member for 7 years. [In fact - 7 years as of yesterday - the 9th of October] I think of ATA as one of the many 'homes' I have on the net. I feel comfortable here and will often take the time to share my thoughts and feelings with the other members. If what I write helps someone - that's great. If not - that's OK too. As far as the 'My father died 14 years ago' message is concerned - I was simply sharing my thoughts and feelings. I was not seeking help. But I appreciate that you were somewhat torn as to how you should properly respond. So thanks for that. GREAT BIG HUGCraig!! PS GBH to both Radeckl and Ineligible!!

Why do you say that?

What a sad post!.. but something to really think about.

I know why he siad it.No matter how great a father you are you still have memoreys in your head, regrets, shit that should of been done, stuff you wish you culd take back that was said, less overtime nad more time wiht kids, all those times ya did somethign with out teh kids because yuo really needed a break from them and then you kept thinking the whole time you were out doing what ever it was "Fuck! the kids would really love this!" but somehow never made a return trip so that they could enjoy it.No matter how wonderful a dad/BF/brother/whatever yuo are there is always somethign that cna be improved upon, and at the end of yuor life its the regrets yuo remember, all teh shit that shulda been done all teh times you wish you could trade in for more time with loved ones. Craigs post just bring sthat shit to the front of your mind, its a good thing to have it there early instead of when your laying in bed waiting to die. While I think of myself as a great dad, I understood exactly what he meant when he siad he needed to be a better father, I was thinking exactly the same thing when i read it.

I wish I had a father who cared... at least just a little bit....

You understand my mind perfectly, Chance.

Well, fourteen years ago, (last June) I gave birth to one of the most wonderful people alive. I am not trying to minimize your pain. I just think...well People get "replaced".Your dad had his addiction, but that didn't mean that he didn't love.It didn't mean he didn't care. Though, I know you think/thought so. I have a history in my family, that (at least in MY generation and the one I birthed) that some one comes in, and some one leaves..I bailed my grandma out of dire circumstances with both my pregnancies. Yet, we lost someone. My 1st, it was her great grandma, on her father's side...my second, was grandma on her fathers side...IRONY...my sis had twins, the year that our indn (sorry Scotty) grandma died....2 peops to replace the one person lost, she had that much soul.What I want to know, is, what did you learn? Since then has anyone/anything brought you solace?I was taught in counseling, that if you seek out a parent, you will find them. And that is what most of us do...Try to fix a prob with a partner who is like a (bad) parent, who isn't really part of the equation, THEN fix the prob with the partner....It never works. or mostly never...But honey. REALLY...everything happens for a reason. You are the kind guy you are because of your past.I just wish your dad didn't pass on MY b day.Though, I doubt I was the replacement. (I'm 32)HUGSI miss many people. If you want, I can share. My Grandma Shirley died while my mom was pregnant with my little brother..BOTTTOM LINE...it is OK.

Hug Craig that was very touching. It really does give a lot to think about. My father is still alive, though we're not as close as I wish we were but we also never really been all that close. I'm my father’s oldest biological son, so he had a lot of hopes I was going to grow up and be a football player so he could attend the games and cheer me on and be proud to say he had a football player as a son. Instead I was in band and choir, but I did run track but I don't think that’s exactly the sport he wanted me to play. I will admit something my father said that always stuck with me and made me feel special was "Though I always wanted you to be a football player, I at least get to see you on the field doing something you enjoy". The last year my father has made some efforts, like calling me out of the blue just to see how I am doing or see if I have any good wine being made (it’s a hobby he and I both share). I really hope the day comes when we can be closer.By the way, I've actually read the play and think I even watched the movie a couple years ago.

This whole topic is like the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. That song really rings true in my life.

Well, Craig, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. To me it sounds like your dad didn't know how to nurture you because he didn't know how to nurture himself. Oh-oh, here comes the opinionated side of me...I can... feel it...Some people should re-evaluate before deciding to have offspring. I truly believe this, because I KNOW I should have never been born, and I'm an Omen child. I get sick when I hear the youth who want to marry and have kids, that literally makes me sick in the stomach. For what? To further pollute this earth with their actions, thoughts and opinions and everything else? Sickening. i'll leave that for the proud, the ones who love to see their creation, name their creation, educate their creation, so on and so on, so they can create a bi-product of themselves. I'll chose to leave this earth the way I came in, BY MYSELF. Not every one is fit for parenthood, but everyone seems to want a kid, right. I hate that mentality. RE-EVALUTE before you PRO-CREATE, SUCKAS.Ok sorry about that. Since some people don't have a dad, I would consider that in itself a blessing. The fact that he was abusive, well, I'm sorry to hear about that. I had an alcoholic stepfather growing up and I know it's not pretty, but it makes you stronger in the end (Or just fucked up like me). As long as you keep his memory in your heart, and try not to dwell on the negative aspects of growing up.

I think its a common bond sorta thing between all fathers that are not truley a piece of shit. I think any father who even half ass takes care of and loves his children can understand it.Fuck face bastards who molest thier children are another story, but any father that cares at all about his kids can relate to it.Aside from all of that, the fact i understand your mind shuold scare the shit out of you if nto for that father bond

I alwasy liked that song, but never understood it till I heard it when my kids were about 10 years old or so, that when it all made an impact on my mind.

I hope you guys know how lucky you are....

Hi Everyone!! Just wanted to say... THANKS!!I really appreciate all of the thoughtful replies. Have a great day!!GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

That is a great post! Makes me hate my dad a little less.

damned right I do, not only for the relationsihp I have with my son but a similar one I had with my dad in my youth.