Likely to be a long post, I think I have trouble condensing my thoughts.
I'm 21 years old (I'll be 22 soon), and I've never had an actual relationship. I've gone on dates and all that. I'm not completely unfortunate - I've had intimate experiences, though I am a virgin. I'll just clear something up real fast, I'm not a 200 lb slob, so I certainly wouldn't blame any of this on my appearance. All girls are insecure with their looks, don't get me wrong, but even I can recognize that I'm a pretty girl. And it's not as though I haven't had the "opportunity" to have sex, or be in a relationship for that matter. But it's like every time I let someone start to get close to me, I begin pushing them away. And I really cant pinpoint why that is. And its frustrating, because I recognize the problem but I can't seem to correct it. It's like I get really scared, or nervous. I've tried to be conscious of what goes through my head when I start the pushing-away processes... And it's always really stupid things like "is this really the type of guy I want to be with?", or "god, if I let him kiss me.. whats he going to want to do next?, how far will it go? how long? if I stop it before he does, will he be offended?" - I guess the intimacy part has been getting worse over the years.. I think because as I get older it gets scarier and scarier and more nerve racking to be inexperienced as far as intercourse is concerned - especially since the overwhelming majority of people my age are way ahead of me.
I think I can trace my major intimacy issues back to right around the time my parents separated (I was about 17). My dad moved straight in with another woman. But there was a long history with my parents - My mom being the first one to cheat (early in their marriage). But I'm not entirely sure that this was the cause. I recognize that something like that can cause real trust issues, but I guess its hard for me to really believe this was the major cause of my problems - Because I basically always knew that my parents were going to get divorced. I really don't know why or how they lasted as long as they did.
As I said it's been getting worse and worse over the years. It's hard for me to even just let a guy kiss me. Though when I was in high school, this was never a problem. Although at that time, my friends and I partied a lot and would "hook up" with our group of guy friends on a regular basis. I know that sounds "slutty", lame, idiotic teenage-crap, but when I say "hook up" I really mean just making out and things of that nature.
It was during this time that I met a guy who to this day I still cannot get over. I've gone further with him than any other guy. Almost everything except sex - which almost did happen once (much later on - I think when I was 20). We're still friends and see each other when we can. Really, the only thing stopping us from being together is me. It's crazy because I know he would be good to me, and he would treat me well - I mean hell, we've known each other for almost 6 years - if he was only interested in me for sex he would have been gone a long time ago. But he doesn't have the best track record. He's cheated in the past, had a drug problem (which he's now over come), and is a very heavy drinker - and he's been through quite a lot in his life. I keep asking myself if he is "the one", or if I'm just fooling myself. He can have quite a temper - non abusive, but verbally he can get quite mean. Which makes me question why I'm interested at all. And he really gets angry with me when I start pushing him away - when I don't return phone calls, or make up excuses to not hang out when we're supposed to. I mean I'd get pissed at me too. But he's not prince charming either. Its like we'll just kind of make plans to hang out where our friends will be, or it'll be like "lets hang out" and we'll end up at someones house and drink. He rarely calls and is like "you wanna go to a movie?". Its frustrating. Anyways I guess all that is really besides the point.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing my life story. I don't know what kind of advice anyone could give me, if any. I'm expecting things like "just go for it" or "try not to worry so much" or "you'll never know how great it can be if you don't give it a try" or "even if it doesn't work out, at least you'll know and you can finally move on" - things of that nature. And I know all that. I guess I was just hoping to run into someone who's had similar problems, or has similar problems. Even someone to talk to who knows what I'm talking about. Or someone who's dealt with something like that and was able to overcome it.
I don't even know if anyone was able to follow what I'm trying to say. I just have real intimacy issues, its hard for me to get close to guys - especially intimately - even little things like kissing are terrifying for me now. I mean I think about it all the time - how I just want to kiss him again (its been like a year now - strike that, we shared a brief kiss a few months ago) - But its like when the situation presents itself, I freak out and will just hug him goodbye instead or something. I don't really expect anyone to understand what I'm trying to say. I don't even understand myself. But It felt good to kinda say all this "out loud" anyhow. So thanks.
Could use advice or even just an ear
Likely to be a long post, I think I have trouble condensing my thoughts.
Wow, that was a long post...
If I missed it I am sorry, but have you tried counseling? If it is getting worse not better, maybe you should find someone to help you out. There are many board members who will vouch for it helping.
I am betting that you have a fear of ending up in a "loveless" marriage like your parents had. Intimacy is scary for everyone, at least a little bit. So to that degree your normal.
Either that, or just go balls out wild, get it out of the way, and maybe it won't be so scary.
Plus don't forget, you ARE still really young. You still have alot to learn about yourself!
Try to find someone to talk to, get YOUR goals in order, get YOUR values figured out, and that perfect guy, whom you trust will fall into your lap so to speak.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel <br /><br />
Personality traits. Aren't they peachy? I'm like that too when it comes to relationships, but my parents divorced before I was a year old, so I never had a good perception of relationships. The things we pick up in life can actually be good. You've avoided pergnancy and STI's by remaining relatively abstinent. You've avoided heartbreak and frustration by not being in a relationship. You've have to learn to accept yoursel'f, or seek counseling like Pepsi said if you truly want to change.
I'm 34 and just in August passed my record for dating a girl, 3 years. I'm in the mind set of "things don't last" so why pretend that "eternity" exists by signing a marriage certificate.
Try to live in the moment... Just think about what you are doing RIGHT NOW. If you can't concentrate about it, think about (in detail) what's happening to you at this moment in time (use all 5 senses), and then try to think about all of it at once. You'll get the hang of it.
<span style="color: #00CCCC"> It's your thing, do what you wanna do. I can't tell you who to sock it to.</span>