I'm 20 and i've been dating my bf for a little over year and a half. we tried to have sex about 3 mos into the relationship but i was waaaay too tight and it just led to a lot of emotional pain and a serious decrease in self confidence (which was low to begin with). so, we worked around it but we still havent had sex because i'm still so tight. i've been inserting tampons and keeping them there for about 15 min per day to stretch the area, but i know a lot of it is mental. i don't know how to overcome it and i can't even have sexual fantasies or masturbate because i'm so embarrassed by the idea. i can't focus for long enough without thinking it's lame or not gonna work, etc. i think masturbating could help me gain the confidence that something can actually go in there and not hurt, but how do i get over the shame? (and i'm not even close to religious. damn this puritanical society and it's subliminal impact). help!
I'm tight and i can't have sexual fantasies....
Being tight is almost certainly mental. It may be that you don't have a high sex drive - it differs between individuals - but there also seem to be some strong underlying anxieties about sex. I think it's something that could benefit from a good therapist if you can afford it; I'm afraid it may be slow to fix.
For helping with particular times when you want to have sex, may I suggest alcohol? That sounds a rather flippant suggestion, but I make it seriously. I suggest it for two reasons: first, although it's not the ideal anxiolytic, it's one you can get without a prescription; and second, it's known that alcohol increases women's testosterone levels and therefore their libido (it doesn't affect men the same way).
Go online and buy a smaller dildo and then a larger one. A tampon isn't even a close approximation to a penis. You'll just have to get over the shame and get it over with.