WARNING: THIS IS LONG, BUT EVERYTHING THAT APPEARS IS ESSENTIAL TO UNDERSTANDING MY CONFLICT: Ok. I am an 18 year-old gay male. I discovered my homosexuality around the time I was 13 years of age, and in the eighth grade. However, I had been closeted about it through all of high school(only telling my brother, who I knew I could trust) until recently. I had never been in any kind of relationship before, and was still a virgin. Towards the end of this past August, I began my first semester at the local university. The same week I began there, I met a boy 2 years older than me through a "meet site", a "gay myspace", if you will, who was attending the same school as me We talked for a few days on the computer,and exchanged pictures of each other. He told me he thought "I was a cutie", but at the time, I didn't find myself attracted to him. We only made small talk over the computer, but eventually met each other in person. We met, and as I always am when I meet someone for the first time, was shy, and I guess I came off as a quiet boy. Anyhow, we spent about two hours walking around campus, with him explaining a lot of stuff to me about the school and what-not, whilst I maintained my shyness. After we met, I went home, and he went home. That night, we continued to chat online. We chatted late into the night, and he kept dropping hints about "fucking" and having sex, and "showing me the way", since I was new to the whole gay "scene". It was obvious he wanted to "devirginize" me. And I was still very curious, and wanted to finally be with a man. So, the following night, I went to his house, and we had sex. He took my virginity. I enjoyed it, moreso than I thought I would have. Since that night, we've talked almost every single day, whether it be on the phone or online. I go to his house at least once every week or so, and we always have sex when I go there. He is out to everyone, and so that's why I go to his house, and he doesn't come to mine. He has taken me to the gay village on several occasions, and has introduced me to some of his friends, as sort of a way to network with other gays where I live. The thing is, I have developed really strong feelings for him while getting to know him these past couple of months. He has told me he's been in two previous relatioships, but since hes been out since he's 16, he tells me he's done a lot of stuff, and confessed he's been with over 15 guys, but has since "cleaned up" his act. He ended his last realtionship with a guy who I know he loved a lot, but it didn't work out because his boy didn't feel the same way towards him. He has told me that he still has feelings for him, even though we're kind of togetherat the moment. I know this because I went on his ex's myspace page and he left him a comment that read "I still love you and miss you". The thing is we're trying to mkae this work out but it seems we don't have anything in common. Our conversations are dull, and he claims he likes me, but that I'm too "quiet" (I have broken out of my shy shell since meeting him and am way more open and outgoing with him but he still says this). Now, I have made 2 conclusions: 1) He's just using me for sex, which I hope he isn't, and don't think he is, but cannot be totally ruled out, or 2) we're engaged in some union that cannot work, but yet still seems to drag on. I know it must be a big transition for him, going from his ex, who he talks about like he's god, to me, who is, apparently, the total opposite. I just feel like there's no chemistry between us, yet we continue on with our little thing. I know I have real feelings for him, but I'm not so sure if he has any real feelings for me. A couple of weeks ago, we talked about our little "thing" and agreed that it couldn't work between us and that we wud just be friends. However, when I went ot his house to just hang out, one thing lead to another, and there was a lot of passion between us, or so it seemed. It's just a very weird thing we have going on. ANY and ALL comments would be greatly appreciated. I just want to know what you guys think of this situation I'm in, and how I should go about it, whether we should remain in this union of ours or whatever you have to say about it. If you've read this whole thing, I really appreciate your time. Thanx.
My First Relationship (I Think).
Welcome to A2A, matt05.I think you understand the situation well. It was a first fling, between people who probably wouldn't have come together except for the meeting at the site. For you, it was an opportunity to have experiences you had never had before, and try out your wings a bit. For him, you were new and in need of showing the ropes. One could look down at these motives but I won't. You've expanded your horizons and learnt a lot. But they are not enough for a real relationship, as you both can see.The difficult issue seems to be moving on. Indeed, your friend seems to have been unable to move on from his last relationship. You need to decide together whether you should just not see each other; or can be platonic friends; or "friends with benefits". My suspicion is that there's not enough to sustain a platonic friendship, at least not a close one, and friends with benefits would end up with you both just using each other for sex - which can be OK if you both see it that way, but not good if only one of you does.
Well, I really don't want a friend with benefits. I want a real relationship, where the two people in it care for each other, and there are real feelings between the two. I also neglected to mention that he said that if he thought I was ugly in the pics, that we wouldn't have met, and he said it would have been "pointless". Also, it kills me knowing for a fact that if his ex asked him to get back together with him, he would drop me and go back with him in a heartbeat. So these are just a few things I left out.
I think what ineligible said is pretty dead on. There just simply isn't enough there to build anything on. It sounds like whatever was there, was built merely on finding someone to have a sexual release with. An extended version of "ships passing in the night." That's fine but as you said you want more than that, it's time to move on and find someone who can give you the relationship you desire. That doesn't mean you have to stop being friends but in all reality I doubt there's enough there for your friendship with him to last to long.
There is no punishment. There is no reward. There are only consequences.