For once it's not me that has a problem, but it's my best mate who has it instead. Coincidentally it's a similar problem to one I've had in the past, but helping someone else out isn't so easy.So he met this girl sometime in the last third of last year and they seemed to get on quite well. They met in a language class and seemed to share a lot of interests.As I understand it they both admitted they liked each other and tried dating - and it seemed ok, though there was something about her family not being allowed to know she was dating - it all seemed a bit weird.Come September I learn that she technically hadn't broken up with her ex and her ex was being all weird saying he'd kill himself if she didn't get back with him. This freaked my mate out, especially seeing as this girl was very non-committal about choosing one or the other. I advise my friend that it was a messed up situation and that he should probably just get out.Him being like me, however, didn't wanna give up a good thing and he had already fallen in love with her so put up with all the BS she put out.I don't know what happened after that, but he was always miserable.Recently, they "broke up" but had the understanding that they loved each other, and it was a forbidden love (i.e. f**kbuddies). Only problem being she wasn't exclusive about it and slept with other guys.This was almost the wakeup call my friend needed, but he was still hooked on her.Now I've told him repeatedly that he needs to cut her out of his life cos she's cold-hearted and inconsiderate and he's a sap (putting it simply). But he just won't do it, and spouts off rubbish about how he'd rather feel like crap and still have her in his life than not at all. What he doesn't seem to realise is that it's having a seriously bad affect on his life, and he has been diagnosed with heart problems from stress.What else can I do for him, because it's not only annoying, but also distressing to see a guy like him who I've known for most of my life get ripped apart by such a heartless "person" like her.Is there anything I can say to him or help him with that might make him realise he's better off without her? It seems she's just totally ruined his birthday today...
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Help me to help a friend
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> spouts off rubbish about how he'd rather feel like crap and still have her in his life than not at all.
As you can probably guess, that's pretty typical. Not sure what you can do about this, but I know it's up to him to realize that she's not good for him. You can try to help him realize that this is definitely not the girl for him.
He needs to realize that these are just some one-sided feelings he's feeling. He will get over her eventually, but it's up to him to do it.
> It seems she's just totally ruined his birthday today...
If she did ruin his birthday today, then tell him about past birthdays he's had, where he actually had fun. Show him some good times he had without her, and get him to realize there are more fish in the sea.
I don't know how you can go about doing all this, but hopefully this helped.
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Quote: As I understand it they both admitted they liked each other and tried dating - and it seemed ok, though there was something about her family not being allowed to know she was dating - it all seemed a bit weird.For someone not allowed to date, I wouldn't find this awful at all because I've basically done this one. But as I read on, wow ... Yeah, she's a BIT messed up. >.> Moving on: Quote: Come September I learn that she technically hadn't broken up with her ex and her ex was being all weird saying he'd kill himself if she didn't get back with him. This freaked my mate out, especially seeing as this girl was very non-committal about choosing one or the other. I advise my friend that it was a messed up situation and that he should probably just get out.I agree with you, you're smart about this. One of my exes pulled the, "Did you know you're breaking my heart?" line when I broke up with him after a week. He wanted to be all sexual, all PDA. Turns out he's really just a player. Who knew?The thing that worries me is, was this guy serious? NO OFFENSE WHATSOEVER toward the poor girl, but ... who people date can say an awful lot about the person him or herself. If she seemed noncommittal, she was scared because she didn't want her ex to commit suicide, but at the same time didn't want to lose your friend. It was wrong, though, for her to date the other guy AND your friend at the same time.My friend's kind of like the ex in this picture. Something doesn't go right, to hell with life- death is beckoning. So I know what you're talking about. And it's a serious issue.Friends with Benefits are REALLY overrated. It's opening the door for tons of problems, and the "forbidden love" b.s. she tried to pull with him ... tch, come on. It's not forbidden unless it's really forbidden. And then ... tch. It's not even love. You were right to be frank with us, because it helped us understand, but have you been upfront with him?I was watching something the other day, some intervention thing. A group of friends got together and made a movie about the friend in need, how they felt about the change in the friend. Have you thought about writing him a letter? Or talking to him in that upfront, frank, and simple manner?He probably doesn't realize his birthday was ruined. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the girl gave him a nice ... present?? Look on the brightside; he's somewhat happy. He'll figure it out eventually. Really, people DO have revelations, epiphanies. He'll wake up one morning naked, lying beside the girl, and realize, "Oh S***, what am I doing?" And then, my acqaintence, he'll get out as fast as he d***ed well can.Did I help? Probably not. Very early for me. Sorry ... if I did ... Awesome.Kat
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that was a bit tough to read but I think I got it!Anyway, yes I have been very frank to him about the whole thing - but he has rose tinted glasses on and ignores anything I say that involves him not talking to her again.I don't quite know how she ruined his birthday, but I know that he went from being in an OK mood to being totally miserable over the course of about an hour, so whatever it was, it wasn't good.As far as I understand it they're no longer "seeing" each other, but they still talk via text/phone etc. But he's just spiralling further and further into misery.
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If it's something I hate more than when a guy plays games with a nice girl, it's when a girl plays games with a nice guy. And when I say I hate it, I mean it really pisses me off. There aren't many left. >: (
I would tell him exactly what I've told you in the past. End it. Point blank, stop all contact. There's no point in keeping yourself available to someone who is unavailable to you whether it's emotionally, physically, spiritually - whatever. And she IS unavailable. That's the only way I could see your friend escaping with his sanity. He may like her but is she really worth all the baggage?
And like someone said earlier...if it's so forbidden..can you really call it love?
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All points I agree with 100%, and have already put to him, but I'm still stuck feeling like I'm unable to help.What's also bugging me is that I've been his best friend for nearly 12 years now - but he's just not even paying attention to me, despite the fact I'm trying to save him from getting even more ill over the situation.I feel like saying "Sod it, do what you want, but I'm not going to be there for you when it all goes horribly wrong - which it will".But I can't, because I know what it feels like to be in that situation and I know exactly what it is he needs to do, which, as you all say, is to just cut contact with her.GRRRRR it's frustrating!
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I feel like saying "Sod it, do what you want, but I'm not going to be there for you when it all goes horribly wrong - which it will".You should be saying "Fine, do what you want, and even though I disagree with what you're doing, I'll still be there for you when it all goes horribly wrong" if this is your best friend...
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It's what I'm having to compromise for. If I can't get him to stop, all I can do is be there for him. But I'd rather he just sorted it once and for all.
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I'm sure you know how love can make people blind.Some things just have to be learned the hard way.
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There's nothing you can do Sadbuttrue, and to be honest it isn't your place to try to decide what the best decisions are for him to make in his own romantic life. As his close long-time friend, your role here is not to dictate his life for him; it's to help him pick up the pieces if he makes the wrong decisions for himself.
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I'm having a similar problem with one of my friends. This guy is two years older than her and her "very first time." She's quite 'infatuated' with him, if you can call it that. I call it lust. He's a scumbag. And her parents have banned her from seeing him, but she finds ways around it, and 'hates' them because they're 'interfering too much.' They're only trying to be good parents.She got me in a load of trouble over Christmas when she wanted me to cover for her. I didn't REALLY. I was joking around; thought she was too. Her parents stole her phone because they caught her that night with him and called my parents. Last time I helped her.However, I talk to the guy sometimes. Not anymore, since he sent me a picture of his extensively long penis, and I told her about it. I'm scared for her; she's changed, and I don't like it, and she's been ditched by several friends because of her behavious already, but she won't listen to any of us when we say she's in farther than she should. -sigh- -catches breath from rant-I guess what I'm trying to say is, after I read and reread all of the posts here, and all of yours, and your explanations, etcetera, I realized that you're in the same situation I am in a way.We both want to help our friend, but they won't listen to reason. They're 'in love.' They resent our help as interference, or even perhaps jealousy, when all we're trying to do is keep them happy and spiritually/emotionally alive.All we can do is tell them, "Look, you're my best friend, and I don't agree with your behaviour. I've tried to help you as much as I can, and you won't listen. You keep getting screwed over by this guy/girl, and you won't admit she/he's not right for you. I can't do anymore, and if you're positive you're 'happy,' then I guess I'll just have to believe you."We have to take a step back.It's hard. I know it is. Because I've already begun. And it's torture, watching my good friend crying because he's cheated on her 2 times with the same girl, pissed because she sent me a picture of his dck (excuse my vulgarity), and heartbroken because he's a Marine, and needs to go to boot camp for months starting in June. It's the toughest thing a friend has to watch. Emotional grief strikes terribly to those close to her.It would be amazing to have it sorted, but it's not likely to happen. Eventually, he'll go to bed worrying about her, and wake up the next morning thinking, "Holy Sht, what the hell have I been thinking? Screw her and her crap; I'm through." And although he won't admit it to your face or most likely to himself, he'll know you were right. Good luck!!!!! =}Kat