In elementary school and middle school i remember my self being more lively and talkative. But all the years in high school i had sum very embarrassing moments that i still think about even to this day and constant regret plagues my thoughts. I started noticing my face get red in embarrassing situations at the end of high school and when people point it out my face turns even more red and more frequent. Now i developed a new anxiety of being singled out in a public place. I hesitate to talk in a crowd or public place in fear of saying sumthing stupid or turning red. My anxiety is also encouraged by me being picked on in my high school days by certain "friends". He would constantly try to put me down and say things like how im never going to get a girlfriend and that im too small. Now that im a little older I see how i let these people run over me and if i just stood up for my self maybe i would have got more respect. My escape from embarrassing moments is being quiet. Whenever i get picked on i just go quiet and feel down. When someone feels sorry for me being picked on too much I just get even more down and i feel like i'm a lower human being. I notice my anxiety almost everywhere. On the bus i get a little paranoid that someone is looking at me and i feel uncomfortable so i start licking my lips or playing with my thumbs or w/e. When i started college i tried to put effort into meeting new friends. A pretty good looking girl that was in my class was outside alone and it was the perfect opportunity to introduce my self, but i just told my self "oh theres still plenty of time you can do it next time"... big mistake. I never even had a girlfriend yet, when i first noticed my anxiety appearing i also noticed that i couldn't talk to girls anymore. Sometimes random girls come up to me unexpectedly and talk to me and i would instantly feel red and people would ask why i was getting so red. Even if im not attracted to the girl at all i would still get red. When the teacher asks me a question in front of the class I would instantly get worried that im turning red that is the number one thing im thinking about at that time. I hate how i look im too skinny and i wear looser clothes to hide my body. I see my self as the perfect example of a loser. I have no accomplishments and im not good at anything that worth something. Whenever im suppose to bring up characteristics that describe my self i can't name any without embarrassing my self. I don't know why but sumtimes whenever i think about my future, I see my self as a bum living on the streets even though I obviously don't want to be a bum i just can't help but think that it is my future. I was encouraged to write this cause last night i had a dream that i was in love with some girl and i had feelings that i never experienced yet. It truly made me think about my life and what i was missing out on. Later in that day during school we were doing self quizzes to find more about our selves and this open my mind even more. Today i promised my self to start working on my self confidence issues, it seems painful right now, but i know it will payoff greatly in the future. Although i have a serious problem with keeping a commitment I will accomplish this goal and tomorrow in class i will sit in the front and force my self to talk to the class slowly building up my comfort level and maybe one day i'll be confident enough to talk to girls. Hopefully in 1-2 years i will read this again as a more confident and happy person. Anyways... thanks for reading my long babbling. I feel a alittle better writing this. Please feel free to give me more advice and encouragement. THANK YOU!
Slowly building anxiety and low confidence
Being put down all the time really damages your self-confidence, so it's not surpising that you feel down about youself. However, it's not at all a fair appraisal. You hate how you look, but I bet you look fine. Skinny isn't bad at all. Similarly, I bet you have many accomplishments that you just don't think of. What happens is you tell yourself you're a loser, and then interpret reality to agree with that. Anything good about yourself you downplay or don't see. But without that distortion, you're just like the rest of humanity.
I too hope that you'll read this later and see how far you've come.
try paxil... works for me