My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We are both in our early 20's and have both discussed how we both think he has depression. Since I have known him he has pulled out of tafe, gone through several jobs in a casual agencies and has spent at least 2 months on really unsteady work. He has a lot of family problems. The real problem is that he can't get out of these ruts which he creates for himself. He has been given ref ages ago but hasnt gone because of the money. BUT he has got the money! recently, he has gotten really close with a friend of his who is a professional gambler, he gambles only a little, but all I see is that he could be spending that money on getting help. He is really moody and wants to be impulsive. He also like to constantly reward himself buying food, dvd's, cd's, going to the movies. This would appear normal but him having $40 in his account means he can buy a little petrol, lunch and a couple of bets on the football. I really love him, but its putting a lot of presure on out relationship since he constantly fights with nearly everyone he meets. Others in his family point this out and now they are not on talking terms with him cause he said they werent treating him right, and they dont know what he is going through. I keep thinking and occassionally he does too that he needs help desperatly, otherwise he will never have the life he wants. But even though he is acknowledging it seems to always be at the end of the list. He doesnt realise it but he is also extremely emotionally demanding, I was going to be busy this week so wasnt going to see him for 3 days. At home last night when I was doing my uni work, I decided to take a break and my friend asked me to go to her netball game. In total I was going to be gone for 1 hr so i decided to go since I had promised to go for ages. That night I told him I went and today we have been fighting all day cause he is annoyed that I can spend time with my friends and not him and I didnt invite him when (I only had 10 min notice). I can understand this but I hadnt seen my friends in ages like 2 months and he said that I was ungreatful and that I should make more time for him (mind you I did spend all of sunday and a lot of Saturday. What should I do? I am also worried that he only is with me cause he has depression and only is with me cause unlike his past girl friends have made the effort to stay with him and push myself with it. I just want to get him help though, how do I do this? Anything will be great, even someone just telling me that Im over reacting
My boyfriend with depression, what do I do?
Um, I know your concerned for him, but since your here asking I am concerned with you, if your willing to take a look.
First off, you can't change him, that is up to him. You can only change you.
You really need to decide if your going to deal with his depression, compulsiveness, and insecurities. They may be life long, or they may fade over time. It's up to you to decide if you want to gamble on that. (And yes, I chose the word gamble to show you that YOU are doing it too, just gambling with your emotions, and possibly his.)
Being able to hang out with your friends sometimes, is normally HEALTHY in a relationship. More importantly, it is healthy for YOU.
I personally, would be looking at it from this angle...either he gets help to get better, or you get out while you can. Not saying it is easy, but if you stay too long you will feel trapped, if you don't already.
So, in your 20's, is this guy going to be a guy you want to marry? Is this guy going to provide a secure future for you? Is this guy really the one you want to be a role model for your children?
If you decide that you want to gamble with it, set your deadline, and set your limits. He sounds like your going to have to tell him, that if your important to him, he is going to HAVE to get help, or your going to have to move on.
Sorry I am not of more help with fixing HIM, but only HE can fix himself, there is help to be had, but he has to chose to get it. Maybe your important enough to him to give him the "aha!" experience he needs to get some help.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
Each individual in a relationship must not lose themselves. I must side with Pepsi, he needs to look within and see for himself the problems he's creating. At such a young age, I found myself completely indulged in my needs and wants, without a care for others. Aside from that, he may be dealing with deeper emotional issues.
oops, will do.
Thank you very much for your advice. After that arguement which I described, I became very withdrawn from him and was not puting the effort I normally do. It was a rouff few weeks for him cause he realised that I dont have to stay with him. He even offered if we should only be friends cause he realised how much his emotional needs for effecting my life. I told him that if he doesnt help himself I am not going to be staying with him since I cant be his emotional supporter forever. These last few weeks really made me realise that I dont have to live like this, that I dont have to be constantly feeding someone else emotional support when I was getting very little in return. He is a beautiful person and someone I can very much see myself in the future with, but I have put a deadline on that ideal which will determine if we stay together or not. Thank you again for your support