Bear with me, this is a long post, but I think it kind of requires one. I've already tried to talk about this with my really close friends, but they all had mixed opinions. I'm really confused at the moment.. (all the names/locations are changed just to be safe)So there is girl that I have been dating for about 2 weeks now, we'll call her "Angela". I first knew her from my friend "Chris" during my senior year of high school, however we never formally met. We then formally met on graduation night but it wasn't much of a meeting; more of a name exchange/nice to meet you deal.About one or two weeks later, she gets my number from "Chris" and we end up going out with each other. The first few days were great, and we learn a lot about each other and I can say that we both really liked each other quite very much. We had virtually been hanging out together everyday for like 5 or 6 days straight and everything was going right.Now this is where it gets a little complicated- I've never had a serious relationship in my life, but it was by my choice though. I have gone out to plenty of dates with girls, but never have I committed myself to a relationship because the truth is that I only want to fall in love once in my life. Obviously this is very difficult to achieve for anyone just to find that special one, but I've stuck with my plan and never went into a relationship. But in a way my long term plan backfired and I started feeling quite unhappy and depressed because when I looked around, almost all of my friends had great relationships while I was still looking.So coincidentally, "Angela" came into the perfect time in my life so I couldn't refuse another relationship. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of rushing things emotionally with myself and I literally fell completely in love with her on that 5th or 6th day of the relationship. I mean it isn't that she's not great, because she actually is quite perfect; great personality, really cute, good family, etc. But so the relationship continued on, and I learn that she has moved from state to state every year, starting from when she was about 10 or 11.One day she asked me if I was a virgin and I told her that I was and that that I wasn't in this relationship to "try to get in her pants." She said that she was really happy about my answer because she had sex only once and that she really regrets it and that she wants a "real relationship" which doesn't really involve physical intimacy, such as excessive touching and sex, with me and that she really wants to get to know me. So okay I thought, she wants more of a emotional relationship. Then randomly she gets drunk one night with her guy friends after I drop her off at her house despite knowing that we were supposed to do something together the next day. She told her friends that she didn't want to get drunk because of me, but she ended up going out 2 AM without her parents knowing. So apparently she got really drunk and ended up throwing up everywhere. The next day when I came over all she did was nap because she felt really bad. But I didn't say anything.However, as soon as I learn that she has had at least a couple serious relationships (like maybe at least 4 or 5 in the last two years), I started to feel really different. In a way, I became really emotionally cautious, insecure, and scared about our relationship because I already fell in love with her so I became afraid of losing her. I thought if she had gone through those couple relationships, who's to say that I won't be the next one out? However, I never mentioned or said anything to her, because I felt like she didn't feel the same way about me like I did about her.Then a day or two later, she was talking about how she was going to visit the state she used to live in, when she was a junior, later this month. She said that she really wanted to go but there was this guy "Andrew" that she says she loved and dated for a very long time in her junior year of high school. She starts getting emotional about it, so I told her that she should tell me how things went with "Andrew" so that she would feel better. So she told me that after she moved to a different state for her senior year, she and "Andrew" continued to have a relationship away from each other for like 5 months. So at about the 2nd month, she accidently had a kiss with some other guy, however she regretted it because she was still with "Andrew." Feeling really bad, she called "Andrew" and told him that she was really sorry but he broke it off with her anyways. Later on, she found that "Andrew" had actually been cheating on her virtually since she left. Some time passes and she goes back and visits her high school from her junior year and "Andrew" finds her and apologizes to her and they get back with each other again and she loses her virginity to him but things don't last because after she comes back, "Andrew" cheats on her again.After finishing her story, she told me how she really doesn't want to see "Andrew" at all and that she wishes that they never met, however it really seemed like she had a lot of feelings for this guy still. I understand how important a girl's virginity is, so it does play a factor in this. Anyways, even though it seemed like she was still in love with this guy, I still kept my mouth shut. However, all day and night for 2 days or so, I think about everything we have talked about and it became too unbearable because I ended up thinking that she is probably not going to love me and that I will just end up like her other relationships, even though she always says that all of her brothers like me so much more than her other boyfriends, that I make her so happy, and that her mom thinks I'm a lot better than her previous relationships when she compares all of the details.So two days ago, I really wanted to tell her what I felt however I was unable to do so at her house because her family was really busy setting up stuff. That night though, she gets on an instant messenger and I was unable to wait another day or two to talk to her in person so I just tell her everything: I told her that I fell in love with her, and that I felt uncomfortable about her other relationships because I didn't want to end up like them. She told me that she was really expecting me to say that but that she didn't know what to say if I did. She explained to me that she doesn't want to fall in love right now because she says it takes her a long time to love someone and that she does not want settle in a relationship. She also told me that she doesn't want to get hurt nor hurt me. It was as if she doesn't want a emotional relationship either. So if she doesn't want a physical relationship or a emotional relationship, what the hell does she want? Seems like all she really needs, is a real good "regular" friend and to get back with this guy "Andrew." But anyways, I was expecting her to respond the way she did, so it wasn't a surprise, however I was pretty dissapointed and frustrated. She then proceeded to tell me how hurt she is still from "Andrew" and that it was extremely difficult for her to tell me the story about him. We said our good nights and I suddenly became insane.My mind raced like 10000 mph and I was really hysterical. So I called up some of my really close friends and explained this whole thing to them. They all think that "Angela" doesn't deserve me however, they have mixed feelings about whether I should try the relationship. Some said for me to just leave because I will end up breaking my own heart because at the end of August she is going back to her previous state for college and it seems like she is just in this relationship to have a boyfriend and thats it. The other people I told, thought I should continue the relationship because she seems great for me but at the same time they think that I should be in the relationship at least until she gets back from her short visit this month to her previous state to "test her" because she will most likely encounter "Andrew." All my friends I've told seem correct about their thoughts on the subject despite the fact that they don't all share same opinions. So they all told me not to call her for like one or two days to make her want me because I have been the first one calling her everyday, so I didn't call her yesterday and today. However she did end up calling me herself yesterday and today, but I made the mistake of asking if she wanted to hang out tomorrow instead of waiting for her to ask me.Personally, I adore her very much. I mean she really is great; she virtually has everything that I've always wanted. But it feels really hard to think at the moment, and I'm extremely confused about what to do. Part of me really wants to try to work this relationship out, but my other half wants me to leave because it sees that she is going to leave in 2 months or so because we aren't going to the same college, so I somewhat think that she is just in this relationship just to have one. I really need big time help with this matter. Anything is greatly appreciated. Again, I'm really sorry for this long post, but this is also helping me relieve what I have been feeling.
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Relationship Problem
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Whoa, try breaking that up a little and I might consider reading it.
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If you are asking me to put in paragraphs, I can do that. But if you are asking me to shorten it, I can't because I believe the post requires all of it.
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I think that you need to experience more before you can justify that you are in love. One of the things that struck me when reading your post was that you seem to be scared to even risk falling in love, saying you only want to experience it once. I understand that but how are you going to know when you are 'in live' opposed to just feeling something more then previously. We judge the love we have for someone usually by looking at the people around us (your friends) but mostly from what we have experienced ourselves. I really think you have to stop thinking about what you think you might want and just embrace the experiences you come across. This girl sounds very confused. I wouldnt put all my heart into a relationship with her but how will you know until you have tried. I dont feel you need to make a decision right now if you want a relationship with her or not but just see how things go. If she ends up moving when she goes to college then thats when I think you need to deal with it. I developed very strong feelings for my current boyfriend in the first few dates, I found out much later though that his feelings for me were no where near as strong as mine, but now and before now they are equal. But if i had analysed every step in our relationship back then i definately wouldnt be with him cause I would have know he didnt feel teh same way. SO....... relax, enjoy finding special time with her if you and her are both comfortable. I hope this helps, it doesn seem very confusing though.
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All I can say is, I think I can pinpoint the problem. That is that one pesky little word "love"Unlike the other guy, I'm not going to assume that you are or aren't in love., But what I can say, from extensive experience, is that everyone defines/views/thinks of love differently. That difference may be small enough to be negligible, or it may be big enough to bust up the relationship. And the shorter you've been together, the bigger the gap, as well as the personality differences already there. What I have to say, is that you botched this when you said you loved her. Now This isn't really directed for your situation at hand, because in all honesty, every girl is different, and I can't feel well saying what might help you or not, because things sensitive like this can back fire easily. However, I will tell you what I've figured out, so you can apply it in your later relationships (which, you will have). When you tell a girl you think you love her, you might be saying the truth from your lips. But your lips and a girls ears aren't always matched with the same thoughts. "I think I love you." may mean to you "I can see this going all the way, but obviously not right now." but to her it may sound like, "I'm goign to choke-hold your emotions for the next 3 months until you leave me because I'm really clingy." Now, that doesn't mean you can't admit your feelings, but try to be a little under-toned. Not Clingy, and obvious. "Hey, you know what. I really like you. A lot. I'm glad we're together." and End the affection-mobile. Backing up. If you like her, then back off and give her the cruise control. She'll set it at what she's comfortable with. The college thing might be right. I dated a girl right before College, although at the time it didn't seem like it, I can tell now it was just the idea of having a non-committed relationship.So I can't tell you what to do about this right now, except, back off, and if she wants to do the friends+ thing, well, great. If not, no sweat, you got forever and a half of life to go.
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Thanks a lot for both of your opinions. However RainNightBlue, I never actually really told her that "I love her." Like I said, I wanted to tell her everything I felt a few days ago at her house to her in person but I was unable to because her family was really busy so I didn't want to take any risks. So that night on the instant messenger, I just told her I really really liked her a lot. I did use the word love, but I said love is probably much too strong of a word to use in this case. I mean she knows I completely adore her and like her very much, because I've told her a few times in person.I went to her house earlier today since like 3 days or so of not seeing her, and she acted quite more open, outgoing and playful than ever before, so maybe our conversation on the instant messenger did play a role. And since that conversation, I have been really "not pushing" anything and just letting the relationship go by itself and not really putting my emotions up as much as before.As I said, while I personally want to only fall in love once in my life, I know it is practically nearly impossible. But even so, if I did get into multiple relationships, I would still want to pursue them each as long as they can go because I don't want relationships to end because of "stupid stuff" like going to college. I find those types of reasons "stupid" because it isn't like you are forced to stop the relationship.So RainNightBlue, are you suggesting that I stop the relationship now or that I should just slow down? It seems like you are saying both options.Personally, I'm really content about being with her. The only things I really seek in a woman is a great or funny personality and at least some good looks. Looks are not a big thing, like I wouldn't really care if I dated the best looking girl in the universe compared to just a pretty decent looking girl, but as long as there are some looks involved. Great personality however is a must because that is what I really want in a girl. Aside from those two things, I'm pretty sure I can deal with practically everything else whether it be big or small. So the question for me is not whether or not there is someone good for me, because there are plenty of girls that fit my liking, but if I am good enough for someone.