Since pinks "tell your story" and Abi's "why are people cruel?" posts the timing seems right (to me). I fill this is the time to do this. This has been something I been thinking about doing for a while but to scared of doing it. It's taking me a while just to type it all out cuz I had to stop when emotions started getting hard. It's not a short read...call that your warning.
I was molested by my older sister. Most of the time I call her Medusa, sometimes I'll call her by her name. but anyways.. She started messing with me when I was very little. There is a 4 year age difference between us, meaning she's 23 now. Same age as my other sister (they're twins). As we got older things progressed. It went from messing with me in the bath room to also in my or her closet. She fucked with my head big time when I was little making me believe she was washing me and playing "games" in the closet. I was having oral sexual play before I was even 8 years old. Then she started messing with me in our rooms. She's come in and mess with me when I was playing video games or cars......coloring.. Or she'd call me into her room and talk me into doing things with her. She would sneek my dad's porn, the internet, cyber, fondling, masturbating, oral...just what ever she was in the mood to do, we did. I loved her a lot and I thought she was pretty cool. She was who I ran too when I needed someone. She was always there when I needed her after school cuz the kids were mean to me. When I was 12 I saw her with her first boy ( I dk if it was her first boy.. just the first I saw her with) they were doing what we did. She broke my heart and I tried to drown myself in our pool.
Something I Haven't told my parents about yet is (and many hear don't know either.. till now) I lost my virginity to her when I was 13. We were watching porn and I started asking questions and she asked if I wanted to try and . She was really easy and gentle. Showed me how to put on a condom, how to guide it in her, .. She even put her hands on my butt and showed me how to thrust. Honestly I could have figured that part on my own but she wanted me to wait and do what she said. In my head for whatever reason to me I think it's easer on my parent thinking I lost my virginity by rape than willingly. Or.....maybe it's just easer on me to think it's easer on my parents. I started going into her room at night after that. Sex was always available when I wanted it. I know it's incest. And it hurts knowing what I did. I wasn't as innocent as I portrayed to be. I'm disgusting for doing something so disgusting.
After I turned 14 (and I'm talking 2 weeks) my parents went to a horse show out of town. For years since I was a t kid they always went to this spring show... it always fell 2 weeks after my birthday. (witch is how I know it was 2 weeks after I turned 14) I was agree at her cuz she told them I didn't want to go and she'd watch me. I told her no and wouldn't screw her that night. The next night was Ryan's party. Most of you know what happened at his party. Medusa and two of her friends took turns with me. While porn played and music from downstairs played.... They did shit to me. I was given a pill, not just given but it was pushed down my throat. I remember everything just like it just happened uptill when I was gave up and just started crying. Then I don't remember anything until the morning when I ran across the hall with morning wood crying ..again. I remember the pain from the soreness. The fear and beating my dick with a magazine when I heard them walking down the hall. I still watch doorknobs. I watched that doorknob on that bathroom begging it not to turn. I was so relived when it didn't.
She wasn't ms nice anymore after that. I saw her different after that. I started lashing out at her about anything. If she said something to me and made me mad I just started yelling at her, guess who got into trouble....me. She was soo sneaky they never saw her bothering me. But they always heard me yelling and screaming at her. She thought it was funny. When she was able to get a hold of me she'd laugh and say how our parents think she's an angel. My parents wasn't the only ones fooled. She fooled everyone. She was a A & B student in the clubs, sucked up to the teachers... popular. She was a bitch. She was such a nice girl....sure to them but not to me. When she got her chance she's raped me, beat me, took pics of me, sold me, made me cyber... drank, did drugs, and was a whore. Did anything to get money and drugs. She was pretty smart but not smart enough to hide her shit from me. I knew where she kept her porn, toys, date book with all her contacts names, appointments, and people that owed her shit in it.
Well while all this shit was still going on Ry found this site while looking for porn. I started looking at it , joined and then got pissed a t a post and outlasted about what had happened. I was told no one believed me. I knew some didn't ...... not much you can do about it really. Sometimes I regret it but If I hadn't I'd never had met diver or inliguble. Without diver pushing me to tell and contacting Ryan I don't think I would have told. I fall under pressure. If some one keeps at me I will give in. I dk how to change that I dk if it's a personality thing or if I was just trained to be that way. I'm beginning to wonder if my shyness isn't something she did to me too... I don't seem near as shy as I was. Anyway.. I told Ryan, Ry told our parents and Medusa went nuts. Screaming and yelling how I was lying. My parents took me to the clinic and they looked me over and did a aids test and std tests.
She was so pissed at me... I never said who did it. I never said she did it. I just said 3 people and acted like I didn't know them. She snuck into when I was taking a bath and grabbed me and pushed me under. Every time she pulled my head up she scolded me and twisted my nuts... dared me to yell. I knew better than to yell anyway. She made her point very clear, she could have killed me right then. Her rapes got more violent. And I was having problems at school. Some guys had been bulling me all threw the the year and Becky... they all jumped me at school. I had just got glasses and one of them took them and I ran after them to get them back and ran into a trap. They held me for Becky and when she left. They jumped me. They made me get on my hands and knees like a dog and took turns fucking me like I was a dog in heat. This was all at fucking school! I just told them (when I told them) that they jumped me.. They just thought they beat me up.. I wasn't sure how they'd react. Who gets raped twice in a year by a group of people?? I was even too scared to tell diver. He knew Becky was harassing me. Ryan knew something was going on. It was the first time I made him bleed. He wouldn't leave me alone. I was so close to telling him but I was so scared that I just hit him in the mouth. He talked to Paul and between both of them working on me I broke down. My mom took me out of school and I finished my 9th grade year as a sick leave type thing. My parents had agued and fight with the principle. Becky came to my home and stirred up shit. Saying she was pregnant. My parents wanted proof.. She was never pregnant. My dad was so frustrated with me cuz I wouldn't press changes. Those guys were real bad asses.. I just wanted it to go away. When I told the police where stuff was for them to all those names were in it. Becky took a deal and testified against Medusa. Medusa was the one behind all that shit. So Ryan has told me that Becky said at her trial that she didn't know the guys were going to do that. I personally fill that Medusa got them to do that... She did it cuz I told. That's what I think.
We moved a few months after I turned 15. Something happened between me and my dad, that Ryan and my dad actually got into a physical fight. My mom threw my dad out and told him to get anger help and he left. While he was gone he bought some land then we moved to the coast. He was staying with his brother, my uncle, when mom kicked him out. He got better with his temper... sometimes he still blows up b ut not like he used too. But after we moved to the coast it was every night. She still drove me to places that we could rape me in her car. I hated that green mustang...and her. But sometimes I miss her. That's the sick shit about it. How can I love some one that raped me for so long, held me down and hit me with belts, ruler, shoes.... Even popped with thick rubber bands and poked with needles. When she caught me closing my eyes she would hold open my lids and make me look at the light. I think that's the reason my eyes are so sensitive to light.
I'm not sure how things would have turned out or be like now if I hadn't ever met diver. He couldn't stop me from harming..... But He stopped me from huffing. He couldn't get me to stop so he told my mom. I had to get relief some how. Even after she was arrested the flash backs... Being high off some kind of chemical was all I had to be happy. Then I met Laces and I had to get drunk to be with her. Things were ok till we started having sex. And I just added more problems. I know what good sex is like, I know what forced is like. I'll admit it.. I hunger for sex sometimes... but I'm also scared of it sometimes too.
I just want people to understand why I'm wired sometimes. I can't help my fits... I've had panic attacks, manic episodes, rage fits and I have flashback that range from light to heavy. I haven't had any in a while and I've gotten off my sleeping pills cuz I'm finally doing better. I still go to therapy (it's been brought down to every other week now) and my parents still have to talk to him once a month.
I felt this post could potentially help some one that's was like me. Show them that it can get better and there is help. For so many years I'm finally doing good, smiling and enjoying life. I'm never going to get over the episodes and flashbacks.....ever. I been diagnosed with C-PTSD It's my life curse cuz of Medusa. Something as random as a woman walking by that is wearing her perfume could make me flip out. Or something that triggers a memory (witch is why I was so afraid to sit down and do this/ and had to take breaks)
Another reason I felt to do this is at least I fill like.. It help stop her. I dk if she'd be in prison now if I hadn't ever met diver and I know I wouldn't have met him with out joining here. So.... I know it's long but... I realize I'm doing better.
I want to thank diver (even tho he's not here no more) and ineligible for taking a lot of shit from me over the years.