I am new to this forum, I find this site very nice so far and intresting mostly because I have many questions about things and if I ask a friend or someone, they might think I am stupid. I am going through a lot right now, broke up with my ex-fiance about 4 months ago and it still is kiling me more then anything. I am having a lot of family issues with my father who is severly emotionally abusive. I have quite a few questions and they all don't fit under one category and I didn't want to make a bunch of posts so I thought it would be okay to ask them all here and ask, I understand if the post needs moved and I apologize if I placed this in the incorrect category. So here are my questions and underneath is more about why I'm asking the question or explaning better.
1. How do I become social correctly?
Reason I ask this isn't because I don't know how its that I'm not doing it right. I've been homeschooled ever since I was in elementry school and I grew up having no friends until my senior year, my parents held me back so bad that I was lucky some guy wanted to marry me. I am finally going to a real college instead of online and I am kind of scared! I am really good at picking up converstations with people until I run of main topics like movies, music and so on. Whenever I worked I always failed, I always said something stupid because I never go the "sexual" jokes or because I didn't know how to talk/socialize with other people. I felt really stupid/embarassed and people just ended up faking the friendship because they felt sorry for me. I hated that so badly mostly because I made myself look like a fool. So how do I properly socalize?
2. My dad called me Stupid and retarded for still not being anywhere near being "over" my ex fiance, after four months... do you agree?
3. Do we all have unrelated twins?
The other day my friend and his friend and his gf all went on a 20 hour trip to the great-lakes. Well whenever I got into the car, I saw my friends friend for the first time, mainly because they lived an hour from us and the distance kept them two from hanging out. Well when I saw this guy my heart froze, I couldn't breathe and I wanted to cry but it took all I had not to so the make up wouldnt run down my face. I had to take a double take, and numbness staggered throughout my body...this guy looked EXACTALLY like my ex....same type of hair, face features, smile, way he walked, same shyness, personaility, location, age, liked same things...there were only a few differances. It beyond creeped me out and I couldnt take my eyes off him. If It wasn't for the one key differance I honestly don't know if I would have believed they were different people. This guy had a deep southern drawl and my ex he had a pittsburgian accent. Lets just say it hurt and after 20 hours...I think it did help heal my heart some. So it made me wonder, do you think we all have unrelated twins or do you think it was just my mind playing with me?
Hello guys! Couple of questions from a newbie!
~Learn from past mistakes.~
Welcome to A2A, BrokenSunday. I'm glad you found the site as the folks here are pretty empathetic and should help you to heal.
Being homeschooled does allow you to advance intellectually, but it also tends to retard you socially unless you make up the socialization in other areas. Going to college is a little frightening to most students at first. You've got new surroundings and new demands of you. In addition you meet a whole lot of new people. But remember that everyone there is is the same situation as you are--new-- and don't know many (if any) of your fellow classmates. Just relax, go with the flow, and have a good time. Social skills are like dancing...you can't get good at it unless you practice. It will take time, but you should be fine.
The fact that you are admittedly not over your ex probably explains why you were trying to project him onto your friend's friend. That, too, should diminish as you get on with your new life.
You are very welcome here, BrokenSunday.
About question 1, I think there isn't a 'right' way that you have to follow. In real life people don't talk as they do in the movies, always with the right words - they only do that in the movies because some scriptwriter has spent hours polishing a 30-second conversation. In real life people always stumble and say stupid things, so don't be upset when that happens.
If I had just one piece of advice it would be "Don't try too hard". You can go much more wrong trying to make an impression than if you take socialising lightly.
Question 2: I think your dad is being stupid (at least). The breakup of a relationship that was intended to last a lifetime is bound to upset anyone for a long time. It's just like a death - a death of what could have been - and the various stages of grieving are natural.
Question 3: I find everyone surprisingly different, but it has happened several times that I have met someone who is surprisingly similar to someone else I knew long ago.
Conversation is near impossible for me as well. I can't even seem to get the generalities into the discussion; so I just sit mute. However, I do know that leading in with movies and pleasantries as you mentioned is good start from there start asking the person about themselves. Remember, that's what people love to talk about most. Like Pete said though, just don't go overboard trying, that can be off-putting. Silent awkwardness is natural in new relationships.
As for people talking to you out of pity, dismiss that shit from your mind. Let people keep their own reasons and don't try to project reason on their motivations because you will probably be wrong.
It takes time to get over the breakup of a serious relationship. By some accounts I have read a little less than a year is most common.
I would say that seeing your ex's doppelganger just goes to prove we're not all as unique and special as our parents told us.
There is no punishment. There is no reward. There are only consequences.
Hi Broken Sunday!
Im glad you found this forum:).
1. Its sad that your parents sheltered you so much. Being around people is a start to being socially correct. Just be friendly!! You're on the right track...People love talking about themselves so ask them questions like "How was your day?" "see any good movies lately?" "where you did get your..", "How is your child/husband/wife/parent, etc?" Showing people that you genuinely care will make people feel comfortable around you.
2. Your father should never call you stupid or retarded because of the way that you feel. That is just WRONG. Some people take longer to get over things than others. I know someone who took more than 7 months to get over their ex.
3. I think there are people who look extremely similar. My brother has someone in our town who looks identical to him. Hes been slapped, kicked out of bars, eyed down just because of this guy and has had to show his ID to some people to prove it. I wonder if there is someone who looks identical to me? :P
Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.
I really have mixed feelings about homeschooling. I've seen it done really well and I've seen it be a disaster. When it's done well, peer socialization is intentional, with parents creating opportunities for their kid(s) to interact with peers in a lot of different situations. They weren't so much out to shelter their kids from everything and everybody. How did your parents handle this?
As for the conversation question: The others have given some excellent advice. The only thing I can add is to LISTEN. Resist the temptation to always be active in the conversation. Take opportunities to listen to others in the conversation, especially folks who have an ability you admire. (Of course, I'm talking about as a welcome part of the conversation, not as an eavesdropper!) I think if you make an effort to do that, at the same time you're working on your own skills, you'll quickly find yourself comfortable and feeling "normal" in conversations.
Screw the whales, save the subjunctive!