How? How does any one here deal?I...am...hurt...but cold at the same time. My therapist said Stoic??I feel like a bitch...I don't know what to say, because I have grieved my own losses. But what I need, feels so different than what every one else needs. I want to help but, I honestly don't know how.A good friends dad just died, and (I think, a best friends dad died) and there are some other issues with MY momish....I am bit cold. and I feel...like it is wrong to be that way with death and illness....but Honestly, what can I do? I offer help for those who ask....I just dont know what to voluntarily give but my love..............
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Fam members dying...
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After you've said how sorry you are, it's hard to know what else to do. However, sometimes there are practical ways you can help - one fewer in the family can mean that some things that used to be done don't get done, and the offer of some time child-minding or providing transport or cleaning or cooking is sometimes very welcome.
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i kind of know what you mean
when my mothers parents died, i was actually happy, they were monsters who abused my mother as a child and me sometimes as well, but i felt bad for my mother because she was sad
but with my fathers mother, i loved her and she was pretty cool but i didnt really feel very sad about her death because i wasnt very attached to her, but i still felt bad for my dad. and now his father is dying and i still feel bad for my dad but i doubt ill shed any tears just because i wasnt that attached
so i guess all you can really do is be there for that person if they need anything
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Hey... I know how you feel in a way, but everyone handles grief differently. I usually hold everything in and usually the rock for the family at times like this. People never get over the death of a family member, you just learn to live your life without them in it. Some deal with this easily some don't. Just try to be there for them if you can. my best friend used to have dinner every Sunday night at his mom's whenshe passed away, he was devistated and just pulled away from everyone. we were all worried. I always felt inapt becasue I never knew what to say. Well one sunday evening I told him I had a problem and needed a drive to talk. brought him back to the house where we had dinner prepared. had a good evening and now we have sunday dinner at my house. it's been 3 years now. I can't replace his Mom, but I can help him feel like family... becasue now he is...Good luck and be there form them if you can.. That's all anyone can due... drop me a PM if you need to chat,,
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hey honey..
sometimes the best we can do is just be a shoulder for them to lean on. just knowing that you can be there for them means sooo much to those who are grieving.
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Everyone deals with loss in a different way. I'm the complete opposite.. Im an emotional wreck. My parent's are both really strong and caring.. and my brother usually can't be found. You aren't alone hun.. there are others who feel the same way as you.
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Thanks guys. It's sort of been tough. I found out yesterday that my friends dad is just hanging on. Thought a day or two type of thing, and its been a week and a half. Total hospice situation.
Stepmom, is missing all her hair right now. There isn't much for me to do, for any of them. I let them all know that if they needed anything to call.
I don't deal with meltdowns well, so, I hope I am not the one who gets the call when that happens! I can come clean a house, or cook some meals or what ever...but damn!
And yet, for the most part, life goes on...I was like that when I lost my friend a few years ago, I was just in my own space, and finally just got on with it...
I care, but somehow, I come off so icy and uncaring...*shrugs*...
I guess, it is just me... -
I wish I understood my own feelings better. I'm often surprised at how little or how much I seem to feel, disprapotionate to the situation. I think the coldness you are perceiving within your self might actually be strength. You're keeping it together until it's the right time to let the feelings take charge. You can use this to be a rock to your friend, be strong, be the shoulder, the ear.When my dad died, I was holding his hand. After he was gone, my wife asked me if I wanted a few more minutes. I just shrugged, said "I'd like about 20 more years" and left the room. I went to the little waiting room, looked out the window at the construction site that was part of the hospital rennovations and thought about how the world never stops. I went home and slept.It was quite a while later, like weeks, before I actually broke down and just lay on my kitchen floor bawling. I don't know what the delay was for, other than to let me take care of things and the rest of my family.When the time was right, my feelings took charge.I know what a wonderful and warm person you are and I know you've had both the caring and the strength to talk me down off the ledge a few late nights in the past. Don't worry, you're far from a bitch my friend
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Nicely written Mr. "U" I actually got all teared up while reading it.......
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When we moved my mother-in-law with dementia to a new, better, nursing home because she complained so much about the old one, her response was to refuse to eat. Since in her state she had been getting nothing out of life for some time, my wife and the nursing home agreed not to force-feed her, and after a week she died. I think it was her last act of defiance and self-assertion.Then came organising the funeral and administering the will (which made my wife executor), but the end was still a relief, I think.
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I'm so sorry to hear that Rad. It sounds really rough. I don't know why the hell family always have to make these things harder, but they always seem to. Does anybody ever take over for a day so you can get get away and have a little break to recharge?
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It was complicated by the fact that she was difficult to start with. She always complained about things, but wouldn't take any action because she would have to take responsibility for it, and she shunned that. Then when people did things for her out of desperation because she wouldn't choose, she would throw some sort of spanner in the works to assert herself. So her last act was very much in keeping with her rather exasperating character.Looking after someone with dementia by yourself must be exhausting, especially to the spirit.
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sniffleThanks Mr U.Found out this morning that he died. I DID get the melt down call. Bright and early before coffee, and everything. I hope I did handle it ok for them.So, now I am just idle. Don't know if I should attend services for a man I didn't know, or maybe just show up to cook for the day or ??? I suppose they will let me know.Rad, so sorry to hear that. It is tough to deal with everyone pointing fingers, but not lifting a single one to help. Just remember, you ARE doing the right things, you're having to make decisions right now, and for that reason, they are right.Don't get harsh on yourself, your doing your best in a very tough situation!!! Don't appologize for wishing a quiet death. I sure hope mine is. My friends dad, has been sick for a year, and just 2 weeks ago just shot straight down hill...Everyone, himself included wished those two weeks would have been shorter.It's a brave thing you did, taking care of an adult like that is much harder than taking care of a child. (Though, until you do it, you don't realize)Hugs
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Originally Posted By: PepsiChaser Don't know if I should attend services for a man I didn't knowfunerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living that are left behind.
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I've been to funerals for people I've never even met. I went in support of the deceased family member that I knew not for the deceased person.