Sorry... i needed a closed forum

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sorry... i moved it from depression cuz it;s open forum..I wanted it in a closed forum. I kept thinking about something rad said.yea that post. Then when I got a few concerned PM and emails…& with mmfighter;s post… I dk.. I I really got no one else (but nut doc who I want see till Tuesday morning) I do usally do my venting to either paul or ineligible. Well I Haven’t talked to Paul in months… yea that is one of the things bugging me. But I knew it was going to happen one day. Now ineligible is back working and busy… I don’t get to talk to him so much any more ( I mis it but … I know he;s a busy dude) so……… take this as my apologies if I;ve snapped at you. I know I’ve been in crappy moods. I’m sorryI dk if anyone will have advice or whatever but if you do it’s much appreciated. I just fill like I can’t take it anymore. And it didn’t help that my as whole bro just came up here pissed at me saying I told on him. I didn’t. I dk who told on him. So dad gets on his case about his parting and what he found out. Ry accused me of being the tattle tail. (usually I am.. but I didn’t tail) If I had some of the shit on me wouldn’t be! I dk where to start… I guess with my bro. my heads confused now on how I feel about him. He;s a cool bro but then he;s a ass too.. I dk.. Im just pissed at him a lot. Most Every one here knows what happened to me years ago (when I was 14) and some shit that happened this spring has connected together and I lot my clear head I had for a while. I really want it back! I just don’t know how… maybe this will help?? I dk. I need to see my nut doc but I don’t have an appointment till tues morning. The rape that happened at his party back when I was 14 has been really playing in my head. it’s triggered a lot of flashbacks and attacks and I had to miss some days of work. The closet thing to explain the attacks to you dudes is I guess like manic attacks…. But there not really that. I just dk how to explain what they are. It happened when I start having a lot of flash backs in the same day or around the same times. .. Like days back to back. I dk much about them other than they happen and when I ‘snap out of it I’m on the floor crying with two, or three holding me down. No one will talk to me and tell me what I;m doing. it’s really frustrating. My brother triggered all this shit back on me! I said a few times in posts that shann had broke up with me (yea it was months ago….) well when she did I let my bro talk me into going out. Ended up fucking a girl fri night. . Then we all went to the movies as a big group and seeing shann at the movies and being a ass whole to her……. Rubbing it in and shit that I was with someone else. Hurting her like she did me…. U know that stupid game shit. Back fired completely!! Well back onto my bro. I wanted to go home after the movie and he wouldn’t take me home. So he forced me to go to a stupid party. Then he introduced me to this girl that wanted to meet me and then he fucking disappeared. The girl I was with fri night left and ended up coming to the party too with some friends. I turned her down for sex and wanted to talk to the other girl. But we all started talking and I kept drinking the drinks she was giving me. Kay (the girl I was with fri night and at the movies kept on and on… it’s all my fault I drank and got drunk but……. I know I wouldn’t have done wut I did if I had been sober. I guess she figured out from Friday night I get horney drunk.. I know this is all on me but I feel like some of it is on ryan too. It brought on a lot of shit in my head. I feel like he did the same thing to me. Leaving me… disappearing. This shit happened during finals and with school about to start back in a few weeks I;m stressing about seeing these girls again. Yea I did think it all blow over during the summer but it hasn’t a girl has said the fucked me too. This is ..well I don’t like myself right now. I know I was a ass. But I got into a game I shouldn’t have. I remember that girl (I do know her name…..btw ) giving me oral along with some others in that stupid game But I don’t rmeber the sex. I remember screwing both Kay and C… and waking up with C and a few used condoms but I don’t rememeber no one else (othe rthan the oral game) the guilt is eating me up! I know if I’d not been there I’d been ok. it’s all on ry for makign me go! I know it’s on me for drinking tho.. But I know it’s not me… it was the liquor and I woudln;t have drank if I hadn’t been preussure too. it’s all confusing. I’m mad at myself and at my brother for making me go. And yea frinight he didn’t force me to go but sat night he gave me no choice. I had to go whare my ride was going… Now some of that did pass…. But it’s all came back up when sahnn snapped at me. This was more than a few weeks ago. I dk wut was up her butt but it wasn;t me….. I was trying to be. I dk.. I was trying to get her to make out and shit and she wasn;t really in the mood. Ok she was watchign some shit on tv.but …..well she snapped at me and told me if I wanted sex so bad to go call Kay or C….. and it hit me like a sword in my gut. And all this shit got triggred back up! This isn’t even the half of the shit going on.. More shit with bitch medusa is spinning in my head.. I just try to keep myself fso bussy I can’t think but when I get a quite moment I get floaded in the head… from that shit to past to… it’s all just in there and not leaving. My EX has been .. A bitch. She said something to me in my ear infronmt of shann and it wasn;t nice. And hten she cought me outside and grabbe dme and I pushed her away. When I pushed her she tripped back and busted her ass. Scared the fuck out of me. I thoguth I was going to be picked up by the police. I never have done anything like that to a girl. it’s still bothering me. Shes ( I have no proof of this but it can’t be a cowencudent) that a roumor was started. She was mad at me cuz I wouldn’t meet with her to talk thing out.. Now she;s ( I believe it’s her) saying my parents give shit to our horse to pep them up. Think of it like steroids for horses. But my parents don’t.. when me and shann told my parents about the roumor (not hwo I think started it .. They got no clue about the shit Lindsey did to me and Shannon…well me) but.. They don’t; seem bothered by it. I don’t; want it to hurt their rep.. it could hurt their business. But they said it’s nothing. I just stressing. Its aug.. I can’t look at any kind of knife. Even keeping away form the kitchen. And at time I feel bad that I sent her to prison. I feel ….. I have up and down emotions… it’s like I wish I didn’t and then I ge tto thinking of some shit she did and I get mad or start crying and im glade she;s away but….it’s up and down. I’m scared of school starting back up cuz of the parting issues and rumors. I don’t know what’s going to happen.. They know I’m back with Shannon. But it’s like am I going to get funny looks/ pats on back by the dudes? Girls trying to hook up? What?? I dk.. More rumors maybe?? Im problem stressing over nothing but…… My brother and his friend aren’t helping. I;ve heard them laugh about getting the word out that I;m single or will be at their party to get more girls to come. I;m pissed at him about that too! I dk if he;s just picking or if he’s serous like Chris is eventho I;m pissed at Ry I can’t get past he;s done some good shit for me. Helped….. He put a few years of school back to be home with me after she was arrested.. It’s like….. A week away. Then my cat disappeared.. But he did make it back home so at least that stress is over. I just……. I’m afraid to touch my girlfriend. I don’t want her to snap at me. I know she’s hurt. But how many times is she going to rub it back in my face. …. What if she does. Is all this shit going to come up again.. and again…??? I dk if she realized I;m afraid of her. I haven’t even kissed her since she snapped at me…….not even on the cheek. I need a vacation from my head… I can’t do what I need to do .. I can’t have her leave me again. I just can’t get rid of the ………. I dk what to call it.

Oh my. :frowning:

I'm sorry what you're going through.

Have you tried telling Shannon that you feel guilty enough for what happened? I know you're scared of her, but you can't let your relationship stay where it's at right now.

It just seems like the both of you are suffering. Do you think you can talk to her about it and help her move on?

no i haven;t. she has every right to be mad at me. eventho we were broke up at hte time i feel like i cheated on her. i dk if that;s how she feels. it's a hard subject... i don;t want to it to go bad.

Well it is understandable to feel that way if you have feelings for her.I am no expert on all of what has gone on with you, personally, but I will say that talking to her about your feelings would be a good idea. I am not sure how you should go about it but I am sure someone on here can help guide you.This is a tricky situation and more than a few people should be talked to in my opinion. I hope that helps and good luck bud, wish you the best!

This is indeed a hard situation.Surely, she doesn't want to be mad at you forever. I understand she's hurt, but it was a while ago. I don't expect her to get over it in one night, but she needs to learn to slowly let it go. It is unfair for her to use that as a weapon, because it hurts both you and her. Try to wait and find the right time to talk to her.As for your bro, I'm afraid I don't know what to say. I know my advice is pretty crappy, but I'm wishing you the best!

Wow Caleb that was too much for my poor eyes! :frowning:

I'll try and help as much as possible. I've always liked Shannon from the first time you told me about her. Maybe I'm slow or something but I never knew you guys had broken up in the first place. :fearful: I'm madd slow. But, I know you're afraid of her but you have to try to understand it from her point of view. She really does have a right to feel the way she does and you should be afraid to touch her. She's really hurt and she's not taking it well. Knowing that your soulmate slept with 2 other girls is not something that you can take easy. I don't know how guys take it but I know for girls that attacks self-esteem and trust. It really hurts. So try not to look at it as her being just angry with you but that she's really hurt. Maybe you should try comforting her and just laying it all because she sounds like she feels threatened and not good enough. I know that feeling and it can mess with your mind.

As for your bro, he sounds like a jackbutt. But most siblings are. You just have to love them. I can't say much for my brothers because well... yeah. But I've had cousins that actually try to sell me to their friends. Literally like use me in a bad way so they could get something they "really need". It's jacked up and I'm like what the heck is your stupid behind thinking. But I really have had to learn to just forgive them because they just don't know. People will always make retarded mistakes. Your brother is one of them. Doesn't know what he's doing.

As for going back to school. Who cares what other people think? Unless you're one of those people that cares about their reputation or whatever. If you are I take that back. But if you aren't then really who cares? I stopped caring a loooooong time ago. I just thought to myself, what the heck have these people done for me that I should change myself for them. People can think what they want. Only those who have the decency to find out the kind of person I am have the right to have my attention. Not trying to sound concieted or anything but if you only saw the kind of school I went to. Everyone is a jack butt. Thank God it's my last year.

Forgiveness plays a huge part in your situation. Love is another. Understanding is major.

my bro can be a jackbutt... (lmao @ jackbutt) but he can be cool and understanding too.. that's where the confusion comes in. i've been sold and used as a toy. it's not fun. as for school.. colleg ehas been pretty cool. i like it. but high school....... yea i don't want to think about that hell. it's not so much about what they think or reputation. it;s just more to do with seeing them and all this shit gets stirred back up in my head... and shannon. i could just see the rage in her face if one of them walked up to me and said hey. i never cared about trends or shit like that... i wear wut i wear. i talk how i talk.

CR I'll probably write more on this later but I'm gonna short-hand it for now.With regard to Shannon you need to talk to her and more than that be ready to listen to her. You both need to work through this shit. It ain't gonna be easy but it's a trip your both going to have to commit yourselves to make.About Ryan, well he's generally a good guy it seems but you'll have to realize there are people who it isn't good for us to be around that much, at least in certain situations. Now, I'm not at all saying avoid him or that he's not good for you but rather be on the lookout for situations where experience has taught you he's not the best person for you to be around.I think Ryan is just trying to look out for you, that's the way it sounds anyway. The problem is how he lives his life isn't how you live yours and when he tries to help, the solution he would pick for his life (hooking up with some strange) doesn't work for you. So it's not that he setting out to steer you wrong or get you in trouble, that's just how he lives, that's what he understands. I think he's just trying to help in the way he knows. The problem is the way he knows doesn't fit you.I don't think you need to be mad at him or upset with him. You just need to realize when it's not good for you to be around him. That doesn't make him a bad guy, by any means, it just put the onus of control over your life, where it should be, with you.That shit is the reason that I have always made sure to take my car. If my friends wanted to do something they either would ride with me or I would drive separate. That way I had control. I just never liked to be in a position where I felt I had no control. Think about it. Even with gas costing what it does it may be worth it to foot the bill yourself. That way if shit gets beyond a place you feel comfortable you can always have the option to leave and let them find their own way home.And the bitches and school. When they're around just be ice, or better yet be totally indifferent. They no longer matter and have no power over you because you don't care. Greater than the power of anger, greater than the power of hatred, is the power of indifference. Give them no reaction, no acknowledgement and if you must look at them, look at them like they smell like old dirty sweaty tuna twat. You may have to hear about how stuck-up you are but who cares, you know all you would have to do is give one a little half a smile and she would cream herself and come running.Medusa, no need to beat yourself up about that. She put herself where she's at. She had a thousand chances not to take it to the next level but she always did. She could have just left it at this or could have just left it at that, it could have just been this it could have just been that. But it was never enough for her. She had to take it a step further. You did nothing, it's unfortunate for you that your the one she used to ruin her own life. She put herself where she's at.I don't know how short hand that is, but there.Take care

Actually, I wish I would have read this thread before I sent you that PM a while ago. My response might have been a little more informed. I wasn't clear about what the deal with your brother was until I read this. I think others are right about him. It sounds like he has been a real rock of support for you in the past. He just kind of went jerk on you for a bit. But maybe Scotty's right and he just thought he was being helpful in some way.

I'm really glad you posted this. I think that, in a way, that's how you take a vacation from your head. By purging. That's good. It also shows initiative and strength on your part, which are very important in being able to move beyond where you are now. Just hang in there until your appointment tomorrow.

Y'know, maybe one of the best things you can do for yourself right now is to just look for every way possible that you can take control of situations around you. Like ignoring the girls, doing your thing and avoiding drama, being intentional in working on your relationship with Shannon, forgiving Ryan and maybe even having a good brother to brother chat with him, being really present and open in your appointment, continuing to purge your thoughts and feelings and all that. I dunno...I really feel like you do have a lot of insight into yourself and what you need. Just trust yourself on that and let that sort of guide you through these tough spots that pop up for all of us.

Scotty, as usual you have special insight.

just saying i feel better now..... :smile:

Wonderful.

That's very good to hear!