I really don't know what to do right now. My next psychiatrist appointment is September 10th.I feel like I have no reason to live other than to have fun. I don't believe in religion and all that crap, so I don't have a God to live for. I feel like there is no reason for life. I feel like I am living in a society where people like me only live their life to have fun or to make their life easier through making money, etc. It's a little bit of both for me right now.I haven't had a true girlfriend yet and I am almost 19. I just haven't came across a girl I've liked... until now. I met a 15 year old girl and though I don't know her that well (It's not like we just met, but its not like I know her like the back of my hand either), she seems like a girl I wouldn't mind being with. And then I feel bad because of the age difference. I don't know what to do. I am excited that I am finally going on a date with someone in the first time in my life, but at the same time I feel so empty. I don't even like myself anymore. The more I think about me, the more I hate me. I live a life where I don't exactly fit in with society one bit: I have parents that I just hate. My mom just got out of the hospital because of shoulder surgery, and I don't even feel like taking care of her. I really just don't like my parents. I've been diagnosed with Advanced Sleeping Disorder - a form of insomnia, and I am expected to force my body to conform with the normalcy of society if I want to have friends and a job, etc. I take sleeping pills as a result.I have been diagnosed by my psychiatrist as depressed and put on anti-depressants. I don't even want to take them. I just wish I could naturally not feel depressed. The only thing I care about right now are my friends and money and the pursuit of love. I'll be honest. Friends,family (not my parents) and money are the only two things I care about. I have fun with friends. I think you should surround yourself with a lot of people and spend a lot of time with people while you are here. Money provides me with the means to get around to my friends and to eat and to smoke weed.. I want to find the love in my life that I know I can spend everyday with and I can lean on her and she can lean on me. I bet it is a good feeling to have.That's right. I smoke weed because I am depressed. I want to make my life one big long haze because I don't care much for it right now... I only recently started smoking weed this year, and my life is slightly better. It calms me down where I don't even care and I don't even feel much emotion any more, which is the way I like it.My life is just one big cord tangled up with itself and it seems like it is too tangled up to just sort through it just like that. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I just feel like ODing on something and just making all of it go away but something stops me and I think it is the thought in the back of my head that I can improve my life. /my depressing random unimportant story
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My Mind is Tearing Itself Apart...
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Well, first of all you're story is very important to anyone on this board. You're posting here to get help from us, and we do our best to fix your problems. If you've seen my most recent posts, I attempted suicide a few days and luckily was spared by God. Let me tell you, IT IS NOT THE WAY! I've found it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem and you might even go to Hell for murder (murdering yourself). I see your an atheist, so which sounds better to you: ceasing to have feeling when you're dead or getting through the tough times and making it out to a brighter day and another day of life? There's always hope for a better day, you just need to hold out for it. Look at it like this: You're here, you're a human! Out of the quadrillions of organisms on this planet, you managed to be a human who can speak, who has food readily available, who can connect to the internet and communicate with others, who can live life to the fullest and not need to constantly worry about survival. You're lucky you weren't born into a dirt hut in Africa, but instead you were lucky enough to be born into an average family in a 1st world or 2nd world country and you can influence others with your life. I'm telling you plain and simple that you have a purpose to being here! You can change another person's life, isn't that enough to live for? Music cures everything, maybe try that. I'm really trying not to proselytize you to Christianity or even God for that matter, I'm just trying to show you that you have a reason for being here. You lucked out to be born a human with access to technology and food. As for the girl, maybe you should hint around that you like her. But don't bring it on like "hey, I like you." Just be like "There's something I've been meaning to tell you. I know we're a few years apart and I'm almost 19 and you're only 15, but I find myself attracted to you, I don't want this to destroy our relationship, but I just need to get this off my chest. So what do you say?" If she leaves you for telling her how you feel, then you don't need her anyway. You'll find a girl eventually. There's 7 billion people here, there's bound to be one girl for everyone.
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I don't think influencing someone's life is meaning at all. I don't think LIFE has meaning at all. It's just there to me. No purpose. Just take what you can get. As for the whole look-at-how-lucky-you-are mentality, I know how lucky I am. I just feel out of place. I feel like the majority of things I do are wrong. I'm 19, I like a 15-year old girl, I never have the correct response to anything, I don't have much of an outlook on life. I'm just not like anyone else. Everyone I know buys popular clothes and is really worried about their appearance. I am just worried about my hygiene. That's about as far as I go to be honest. I grab some jeans and shorts from Wal-mart and grab some shirts and stuff from thrift stores. Everyone else goes to Aeropostale, American Eagle and all this shit and is pretty much like being everyone else. Everyone wears shades now indoors or when they don't need them because it is a fashion thing. I'm not one to do that so I look "cool." Everyone dates someone their own age. I don't feel like I could handle a girl my age for some reason. I just feel so far apart from the rest of the people my age in this society I live in. Everyone's about doing the cool thing, responding in the cool way, smoking and drinking because its cool. I smoke and drink for my own reasons. I'm not saying I'm perfect and everyone else sucks. Not saying that at all. I just feel like I am so far divided from everyone else. I see my problems in front of me, and I want to do something about them so bad. Part of me says, "It's Life! It's going to be hard!" and then part of me feels the exact opposite.
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I was similar to you at your age, except for the money thing, I leave that to the rappers an' shit. I'm still numb from all the depression I felt as a child, and at times I can be flat out cold, so my GF tells me. That's because I had a lot of emotions to deal with as a youth growing up in a society I didn't feel I belonged in. A time period I didn't think I fit into. Now, some of those things carry over with me as an adult, but at least I'm a part of society now. I don't dream of living in the jungle anymore among the yamomamis. Part of me still wants to do nothing all day but lie in a hammock near the carribean sea, but I'll keep that as a dream. Not a goal, I have none of those. But a dream, why not?N-E-Way, I don't know where I'm going with all this.
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Don't feel bad about not worrying about what is cool - I think if you can ignore that it will give you a great advantage over other people. For a start, it will save you a great deal of money.