so this summer i spent a lot of time alone, by choice, and i realized that i liked it a lot better than being with friends. like my friends are cool and all but it's like i have to put in major effort to be graced by their presence, and i don't even get a nice experience for it. i kind of don't feel like i fit in with any friends i make, so i figured when school starts i'll just do my own thing and focus on schoolwork and stuff. but today (first day of school) i found myself alone at lunch for a few minutes and felt like a total idiot, and to make it worse i started calling up my friends so i could meet up with them, and that's exactly what i wanted NOT to do. like to depend on them and be NEEDY like that. now i'm totally ashamed of myself and really depressed and i don't know what to do. i don't know how to make myself more independant and less annoying. i don't know if anyone has found themselves in a similar situation or if i'm just being cynical. i just need advice?
I think a balance is best. You're good with friends when you can also be happy with yourself.
Perhaps you're being over-anxious? There seems to be an anxiety problem if you start panicking when alone at lunch for a few minutes, and also if you feel ashamed of yourself just for calling up some friends unnecessarily. Both are small stuff, not worth sweating over.
that's what i was trying to go for.. like being okay enough by myself when i had to be and being okay around friends too. i wasn't expecting to get so panicky it just happened.. that's why sometimes i hate having a phone. i just feel ashamed because i don't want to be so dependant on my friends, especially since they aren't such great friends. it's just when a situation like the lunch one arrives i don't think about it all so calmly and clearly. but yeah i did over analize everything, and thank you for your input.