Originally Posted By: MDDracoThe only thing i don't really like, is unwanted physical contact... I like my little personal bubble, and what annoys me, is when people get inside that little safety zone if they're not welcome, like there's this guy at work who touches me on the arm when he wants to talk to me... I've told him about it so many times, and it just winds me up chronically!!! But that's nothing to do with men touching, that's just about giving me my space, because, unless it's my gf... I'm not really a touchy kinda person :$I do this kind of thing a lot actually. Not to adults so much, but with kids. Well, not girls. But with the guys I'll often kind of pat their shoulder as they're leaving my office, that kind of thing. But I think I have the ability to be sensitive and discern when it may not be a good idea. I think those of you who don't like that kind of touch have the right to "decline" it.
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Guys Kissing
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Some people are touchy-feely. Let them know you don't like it. Most will understand.
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I don't see what you're saying, Rad. If you're saying that a person who doesn't like to be touched shouldn't stop other people who don't mind it touching each other, I agree, but I don't think anyone in this thread has suggested this.If, however, you're saying that people who don't like to be touched should accept touching because the majority (in US culture) do, I wonder if you would say the same to someone with bad sunburn; and if not, why there should be a difference made between physical and mental pain.
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Are you suggesting that people who don't want to be touched change their personal preference for the convenience and pleasure of those that do?
There are many reasons a person may not want you to touch them, not just sunburn. I know kids who have been horribly abused and as a result don't want to be casually touched. They have done the work needed to process and overcome the abuse, and are really functioning well with bright futures, but they just don't want to be touched. Is that so bad? Isn't it the easiest thing in the world to accommodate them, and shouldn't we do it?
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Originally Posted By: albeitmyselfThere are many people out there in the world who would love to be touched but are surrounded by non-touching people. Can they demand that they be touched simply because they need touch if someone doesn't want to touch them? No. And the same should be for people who like to touch others but the others don't want it. It is always the case that the more reserved or slow-paced person gets to dictate the pace of life. If you and your friend are hiking and you are faster, you will slow down for your friend. So if someone doesn't like to be touched or to touch others you shouldn't require them to do so. That's a great analogy!
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Quote:
is always the case that the more reserved or slow-paced person gets to dictate the pace of life. If you and your friend are hiking and you are faster, you will slow down for your friend. So if someone doesn't like to be touched or to touch others you shouldn't require them to do so.
So, true. Plus, I have to use that when I am driving quite often. I have to repeat that "I can only go as fast as the slowest guy in front of me" Especially when the traffic is like 20mph under the speed limit!!!
I am not really touchy feely, but I deal with some of it, because most of the time it is a simple hug or a pat, and to me it can be insulting to someone who IS touchy feely, to disregard their way of showing affection. (Of course there are other things inappropriate, like where the hands go with a hug or whatever) -
Originally Posted By: RadAre you suggesting that people who do want to touch change their personal preference for the convenience and pleasure of those that don't?I absolutely am. I don't see how you think it should be any other way. In what scenario would a person's right to touch me in a casual way be so important that I should let them, just because they want to. (Granted, I'm all for casual touch myself.)I think your assumptions are a bit out of whack. Quote:when does Johnny's rights supersede Dale's rights? I don't know which is Johnny and which is Dale. Let's assume Johnny doesn't want to be touched in a casual manner. That is indeed his right. However, Dale's desire to touch IS NOT a right. So your question is irrelevant. A person's rights always supersede another person's wants. Quote:When does Johnny's problem become Dale's problem? Why do you see Johnny not wanting to be touched as a problem? Now the kid I see who has such severe OCD that he won't touch doorknobs or ink pens, much less another person...that's a problem. But a person who just prefers to not be "touchy", how is that a problem? Honestly, I don't see why you have such a strong apparent problem with that. Quote:Why are there some people who seem to think that THEIR comfort is the only comfort anybody should be concerned about? Once again, this is based on a screwy assumption. Dale's desire to touch Johnny is not a comfort issue. If it is, Dale has a problem. Johnny's not wanting to be touched is a comfort issue and should be respected. But it's not just comfort. It's about a person's right to determine who touches them and how. Granted, there are times when a person will need to be touched by another whether they like it or not. But casual touching is not one of those instances. Quote:As, I said, they need to get over their damn self.) That's a bit harsh. I just had a girl leave my office who was raped as a child, almost raped again a month ago, and who's mother was raped by her brother. If she doesn't want me touching her on the shoulder...she's out of line and should get over her damn self?!?Really?!?!?!?!?
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Originally Posted By: Rad
Are you suggesting that people who do want to touch change their personal preference for the convenience and pleasure of those that don't?
Absolutely. There are many reasons some people don't want to be touched, abuse being just one of them. There is some mental harm in touching that person who doesn't want to be touched... where is the harm by you not touching them?
Their desire not to be touched out ranks your desire too touch.
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You can put me in the category of NOT wanting to be touched. I work in a hospital and I automatically think 'germs'. I can't even tell you how many strangers feel they can touch my hair. I don't know where thier hands have been. It's gross to me. So if someone feels they have the 'right' to touch me, do I have the 'right' to punch them in the face?
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Originally Posted By: RadI think everybody you mentioned needs help. I think you're just being ridiculous.
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Okay.... Okay... Okay...Let's play nice with one another please....We can do it without touching each other can't we????
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I agree. Eccentric and whiny for the sake of being eccentric and whiny is pitiful.For the record, I like being touched.
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Originally Posted By: damien
For the record, I like being touched. :wink:
Well....... :wink:
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wow! Who would have known such a simple subject would cause such a stir!Anyway, here are the reasons I prefer not to be touched by people I don't know very well...1. I was bullied when I was young, and a lot of that included being grabbed hold of by other kids, so my instincts are programmed such that I want to lash out at people who touch me... obviously, for the greater good, I do not, but I do inform the touching person that I prefer not to be touched2. In a previous relationship, I used to get punched/kicked/scratched (basically you name it, she did it) regularly and it's put me off, and it took me a lot of self control not to flinch when my current gf has pulled the duvet up over us, for example... embarrassing yes, but also, I feel understandable3. I'm a bit of a neat freak, to the point where I usually have to have two showers a day just to feel clean and tidy, my job isn't messy, my life isn't messy, I just feel the need to feel clean, and the person to whom I was pertaining when I mentioned about the touching.... well, last time I saw his place, I couldn't see the carpet, and his personal hygiene isn't much better than that of your average land fill!People who I know well, I can deal with small amounts of physical contact, and my current gf... well, I really enjoy the physical contact, because quite the contrary to what I've written here... contact with her actually helps make me feel safe, and worthwhile Anyway, guess this is quite the subject... almost ashame I've been away at work and missed most of the discussion!!
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But at the same time I think its almost human nature to have moments where you just don't want to be touched. I have moments where I don't want to be touched, and I go insane if someone touches me when I'm in one of those "moods". It drives Adam crazy, but he understands and respects my space when I ask him.I have no clue what triggers it, whether it's when I am tired, irritated or what. But I have times where when someone touches me its like fingers nails across a chalk board; it sends shivers up my spine and actually makes me want to physcially push them away.
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There's no need to apologise in here Rad, we're all here to talk, and everyone has an opinion... expressing an opinion shouldn't mean you have to apologise for it Anyhoo, as to getting help... I'm quite the sensitive guy and I do talk things through, mostly I'm okay with the touching if it's from someone I know, or say it's accidental when you're in a club, it very much depends on what's going on around me at the time, so for example if someone I know at work taps my shoulder or something whilst talking to me, that's fine, but on the flip side of that, the person to whom I was pertaining (yes, that phrase again, but I can't name him... I know the odds of him being on here are almost non existant, but that's not the point, he still could be, and I wouldn't want to cause upset) about the kind of touch I don't like, and I've experienced this before; the kind of touch I don't like is where he'll touch me, but hold the pose for a few seconds, or, the kind where someone will put their arm around me... maybe I'm just over cautious of that, but I don't enjoy it and it makes me feel uncomfortable, and that's male or female... there are only certain people who're allowed to touch for more than a second or so... they are: family, girlfriend, and VERY close friends!! I think the best thing I can say here, is a quote from The Emperor's New Groove; "Nooooo Touchy!" heh heh Then of course, there is the other example of being in a club... if the same person continually "bounces" into me doing whatever they're doing, this drives me absolutely insane, so I just move, because that's the easiest solution ... that and I don't go "clubbing" very often, as I'm not a keen fan anyway ... though, I do like to dance sometimes heh hehFor a guy, I'm probably within the "normal" range for the touching I like, cuz I've talked about this with my friends, and most agree that people they don't know getting within a few centimeters is enough to set off their "no touchy" senses, cuz as you say there is touching, like a tap or something to get your attention, or a handshake, or even a hug for someone you know really well, then there is the inappropriate held pose that you just want to wriggle free from, or throw the other person as far away from you as possible... that's what freaks me out!! ... That and I'm English, probably one of the least touchy nations going!!! lol
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"If there's a real reason for not wanting to be touched by someone, that's fine. But, just being eccentric and whiny, well, those people need help!"I have no good reason for not wanting to be touched. I interact, attempt to conversate, shake hands, that should be enough. I don't want to nor do I feel any need to change.>>>"Touch is a very important element of all primates."What can I say, I've grown past my monkey roots.>>>"...touch is such an important aspect of our lives."Not mine, other than those that I'm super close with and that's a very, very small number.>>>"...get it treated, rather than allowing them to fester forever?"In some of us there's nothing there to treat. I just don't like people putting hands on me.
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Believe what you like. I just don't see why that extra touching is necessary. I don't get it. Explain why you feel you need or want to give something more.
Say someone close to me dies. My respect and feelings of genuine care are for those who have given of themselves in quiet unassuming ways. To me the people who come up at the grave side, or the funeral, or wake, or whatever, and have to give hugs and talk and go on are only doing it for show. It's to bring attention on themselves as somebody who "cares", at least that's the way I feel. More often than not I've found those people are the ones who cared the least when that person was alive. Further, when I'm sitting there watching dad get lowered into the ground the last thing I want is somebody coming up telling me how sorry they are and what a good person he was. It's hard enough watching that casket sink into the ground. I don't want to have to deal with somebody else's emotions and I think it's inconsiderate of them to put me in that position at what may be the hardest time of my life.
I find that kind of display off-putting and attention seeking, without any regard for the person who is supposedly being comforted. Public displays of affection and concern are often shallow substitutes for helping in time of need, so that makes me suspicious of all such overtures. I tend to hold that people that care "do" and those that can't be bothered with "doing" don't really care, at least not all that much. And, there's nothing wrong with that, just don't try to make up for or show differently by being overly touchy freely.
I realize I'm reading this very narrowly but it's what's going through my head right now.
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This isn't the first time, Rad, that you've called someone a liar because you couldn't understand something.
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When someone makes statements about matters of fact that they have information about and you don't (such as about themselves), and you say you don't believe them, the conclusion everyone will draw is that you believe they are lying. If that's not what you mean, you need to explain exactly what you do mean.