I can't take it anymore... nothing, absolutely nothing is working for me. The past few months has been a downhill roller coaster and i just reached a new peak. I keep screwing up and doing these small little things and they keep getting disappointed and angry at me. I swear god hates me. I have the worst luck in the world. It's like I'm destined for failure. I blame a few people for my depression and low confidence. But the one person I blame the most and I absolutely HATE, is my dad. My dad always makes me feel bad about my self and everything. Honestly he has never said one good thing about me... ever since i was small i remember i always tell my self to hate my dad and i try not to speak to him. But im too nice and I just forget about it. I remember when i was elementary school, i got into a fight with another kid and my clothes was all bloody up. And when i came home my dad went totally crazy. He lifted me off my feet picking me up by the neck of my shirt and yelling while I was crying. To this day i still think about that day and have even more hate in my soul. Messed up thing is that I seen my dad do worse. All this negative energy is building up, and i know i'll be miserable for the rest of my life and I have a horrible future ahead of me, i know it in my heart and my instincts has always pointed in that direction, I don't know why. I hate to think like that, but i just can't help it. I know its too late, I've changed too much. I keep asking my self, whats the point? Seriously i got nothing to live for... I'm not close to anyone in this whole world. I've never given a hug to anyone that i felt comfortable with. Every hug was an akward one, and I never hug any family member in my life. Im not smart at all. I lost all motivation to succeed in life. Im in terrible shape... Im the most unhealthy person in the world. My cigrette smoking is increasing, i always eat unhealthy foods and poor eating habits, i over sleep(but i always have low energy) All my old friends left me for school and had better lives. Recently it just feels akward to hang out with just one person. I know i give off a negative energy and i can tell in their faces and the way they talk. Im not good at anything, i used to be very active and had a passion for soccer, I would keep telling my dad that i wants to do things like fishing, join a soccer league and go places. He would promise me to do it, but never has. Thats where i developed a new interest and hobby, the computer. Wow... its all making sense now, all the pieces of the childhood puzzle is fitting in after writing this. But the only thing i show interest in, my dad thinks negative of it. The one thing in the whole world i have any genuine care for is my mom. But im not close at all with her. I try to give all these signs to my parents that im sad and angry. Like not talking as much as usual, taking deep breaths, putting a angry look in my face. But they never acknowledge it. I wonder if they know. After reading all this i know what everyone thinks sub-consciously, wow this dude has a pretty horrible life. So whats the damn point... should i hang my self now or a when im alittle older. Even before i was depressed, my instincts tell me that im destined for failure, i don't know why. I know im eventually going to do it. My life story is exactly what you would see happen to a middle aged man who killed him self because of how shitty his life was caused by a bad childhood. I have the motive to do it... but i just need the courage. Im trying to do what i always do, just ignore it and get along with my life but i can't help but feel depressed. I can't fake it in public anymore, when im depressed I can't talk. I feel a social anxiety starting to lift off. Im depressed and im going to act depressed in public, i can't help it. Nobody likes a depressed person, my bad energy is just going to unattract everyone. Im not motivated to seek help like therapy. I actually dread seeking help and doing anything. Why me... my life sucks. The happiness is my brain has depleted and its hard to be happy.
Seriously considering suicide, nobody to talk to.
We can choose our friends, but not our family. You've had bad luck on the father side. But the day will come when you leave home and can leave him behind. That day for me was the day I started healing, and it can be for you too.
Try not to run your life in reaction. Instead, decide what you want to do and do it regardless of what people say. Start with one small thing each day, and move up slowly to the big life-changing things.
You are worth life!
i know where your coming from my mom had to have tomors removed two grils hate me i,m fighting with my best freind been gettin in figts everyday allmost my carrears faling i thought bout ending my life to but then all the sunnden i started fighting back and became more positive baisicly you have to face the problems head on never give up and theres a part of you that want to fight or you wouldnt have posted remeber to never give up just talk it out even if u gotta sream throw things whatever you need to do do it i ended up crying in the middle of a bussnes and punching a vending machine just talk we,ll listen