Man o man, I am going to keep this as short as I can....haha.
Well, I guess my depression and social anxiety first started when I was 13 years old and in 7th grade. See before 7th grade I had always been popular with the girls and was a class clown and I basically was a trouble maker. When I got into 7th grade I started hanging out with other people who where not bad people or anything like that but a lot of the times they made me feel like complete shit. They would make fun of me for every little thing I did and I was not used to this so it affected me even more. The depression started right around when I hit puberty and it honestly was only a mild depression. Later on though, most noticeably in 9th grade I started to feel social anxiety. I would have times where I would even choke up talking to people I knew for a long time.
I guess for me it went from depression to social anxiety and because of social anxiety I became even more depressed. It was a vicious circle driving me on a downward spiral. With social anxiety I could not even talk to girls or meet new people, I had a few friends and was basically a social outcast in classes where my few friends where not in there with me. I would start to shake, my throat would begin to clog up, I would start sweating, and start blushing uncontrollably when talking in public or talking to a girl. I would not even go outside my house most of the time. When someone came to visit I would hide in my room till they where gone sometimes even go endless hours without eating or using the bathroom to avoid contact with people who wanted to talk to me. I would think about suicide every single day, I mean I was not really living life at all. I figured I would never get out of this and that I would never be "normal" again.
And so it continued on to 10th grade when I decided to tell my mom that I had this problem. She knew that I never went out and that I had very little friends but she never knew about the curse that having depression and social anxiety was. The day I decided to tell my mom about it was on a wedding that relatives of ours where involved in. Well a lot of people "we" knew where there. My mom, both my sister, and me sat on one of the many round tables inside the building along with other relatives. Well I couldn't take it, I kept having panic attacks because I felt that everyone was watching me and that sooner or later someone would want to talk to me to socialize which was one thing I knew made my social anxiety spike to levels where I feared to go to. I ended up spending the whole wedding at our car in the parking lot alone while everyone else had a blast inside. I felt like shit, complete shit.
After I ended up telling her about my problem she found a psychiatrist that I could go to. Long story short, it did not work out, he knew what problem I had but everytime I went with him he forgot who I was or what I was there for until he looked in his files. I ended up going to another psychiatrist but it also did not work out. I was given zoloft and took them all the way to 19 yrs old.
When I was in 12th grade, there was 3 girls that I knew liked me (which boggles my mind because I have always thought of myself as one ugly mofo) and I knew because one even approached me personally and told me that she liked me but I pussied out. The other two girls I personally overheard them say that they thought I was "hot" and they would make certain actions towards me to let me know it too. The bad part is that I could not even talk to them, even though I had mild depression by this time my social skills and social anxiety where still at a level where I just could not socialize like normal people from all the years of me isolating myself.
On my graduation day every one of my "friends" went out to parties and such while I humbly stayed at home. I felt like shit that day, a day where I was supposed to be happy and joyful. The next day after graduation I went off to college on a program that is supposed to help minorities succeed in life and we had to live on the dorms of the university. The university was 4 hours away from my home and 15 other fresh of highschool students stayed for 2 months without ever going back home. I had never felt so lonely in my life even though I did meet some people there. I was actually able to socialize better than I had ever had, so I guess that was a plus.
After the 2 month stay there I came back home and then eventually went back for fall semester there after a 2 week home stay. I eventually became roommates with one of the people who had also gone to that program in the summer and also lived next door to some of the guys I had met there. We became awesome friends and hanged out all the time. I was actually able to make friends with some girls and my socializing skills improved mostly because the friends I hanged out with did not care one bit of what people thought of them and they talked to anyone like nothing. I was the quiet and shy one and they let me know it which in turn made me want to socialize more and be more happy.
On spring break I went home and was involved in a car crash, where me and 3 other "friends" from my hometown ended up inside a warehouse after failing to break on a dead end while going 70miles per hour. The car was totally wrecked, I took the blame for driving and everything and they took me to jail. One thing that has to be known though is, the car was my mom's and I wasn't even driving I was actually in the backseat and had nothing to do with the crash and I still took the blame. Why? Because I was stupid, I thought they where my friends and would help me get out seeing as I had saved them from jail and what not. Boy was I wrong, false promises after false promises. They still have not helped me out to this day with even one cent to help repair my moms car or the damages to the warehouse. I never even received a "thank you". Nothing. Later on, well to be precise this past May I was in jail again for some days after I violated a criminal trespassing charge. When I got home from college I ended up getting a job but eventually quit it because they treated me like a slave and as if I was their "bitch". Fuck that.
Currently my life situation has made me fall back into depression and social anxiety again, I can't find another job, I have no school since my financial aid did not get here in time, I owe so much money it is ridiculous, I have no money, I have no girlfriend.....I have nothing to continue living on. Suicide thoughts are coming back again after being gone for a while. I am depressed all the time, I don't feel like anyone in this world cares about me other than my mom and 2 sisters. Another thing that gets me depressed is the size of my head. It really sounds dumb and stupid to others but I have always been made fun of my head. Yeah its huge but what do they want me to do about it? I can't have surgery to have it made normal, it really punches my self-esteem even lower. I feel so self-conscious all the time and on top of that is all the shit I mentioned before. I feel like a complete freak most of the time. Sometimes I even verbally fight with my mom so bad I go into a rage and start throwing stuff left and right to get out my rage. She just doesn't understand what it is walking a mile in my shoes..feeling like shit all the time. I can't blame her though she has worked so hard to get us here being a single mom and all. Anyways, I could really write up a book about my life so far and how shitty it is right now but I guess this is enough for now. Thanks for taking your time to read this.
My life with depression and Social Anxiety.
Man o man, I am going to keep this as short as I can....haha.
Your self worth is much greater than you give yourself credit for. Start being the person who demands respect from others, and never let anyone tread on you. Once you start making clear boundaries of what people can and cannot do to you, start making them for yourself as well. Why put yourself in a situation that's gonna make you fell like crap? If you know how you're going to feel afterward, don't let yourself do something dumb like take the blame for a car crash and serve jail time, that's dumb and it makes you feel even dumber. You are the only person who's gonna have to put up with you the rest of your life, not your"friends" and not even your family. If you don't have self respect, no one will have it for you either.