My crazy ridiculous life(long post)

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Wow, it's been such a long time since I last posted here. I remember I first came because of relationship problems a few years back and big surprise I'm back where I started. Relationships. I honestly don't even know why I try anymore. This spring I ended a 1+year relationship with a girl for a variety of reasons. The main ones being I didn't like having sex anymore and she was pressuring for a baby. We were living together until April when one Sunday afternoon while I was sick with the flu she surprised me by inviting her entire family over to get her stuff and move out. We saw each other for a couple more weeks until I officially ended it and we haven't spoken since. She tried getting in contact with me a few times either through the phone, email, or through friends and I successfully managed to avoid her. It's been quiet since August. (here's a bonus: recently I discovered she met a new guy immediately after we broke up and now she's 12 weeks pregnant. I was not paranoid about her motives, despite what I was told.)In the beginning of July I met a new girl my age. (I was 5 years older than my ex). Things were amazing from the start. I never felt happy before in my life and she gave me that and so much more. We were inseparable for the last four months. I still have problems with sex, but we manage to do it a couple times a week and I enjoy it again. She never could understand it wasn't her. She wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I avoided doing it for months. (the earlier ex got me to see a doctor in February because we though something was physically wrong. I was given pills and it worked a few times then we stopped touching each other entirely and I was depressed all the time). Fastforward to the past week. Tuesday she had to get foot surgery so I was supposed to be a good boyfriend and take care of her. Her mother flew in to help. For some reason all the frustration I have, the anger, everything that makes me gloomy, revealed itself and took over. I couldn't take care of her. I tried, but didn't try hard enough. My patience was nonexistent, and being nagged drove me to lose my temper more than a few times. I though we were finished Friday so I did something I've never done before. I spilled my guts to my parents. I have serious anger issues and NEED to talk to somebody but I can't make myself go through with it. I called psychiatrists before but never scheduled an appointment. My parents, especially my dad, totally agreed with me and was very supportive. My girlfriend had no idea I did this and I followed his advice and called her. She was so happy with me and allowed me to come over Saturday and take care of her. Saturday was great. I was nice, did everything, went shopping for groceries and such with her mom, and didn't feel gloomy at all.This morning (Sunday) was different. I felt weird. Like something was controlling me. It was the same feeling I had earlier in the week. Like I almost wanted to screw up and get nagged and explode with anger. I'm not a violent person at all I just say the absolute wrong things when I do lose control and don't hold back. I forgot to carry her walker downstairs when we woke up in the morning and I went to the bathroom. She was hating me and I flipped out. From there it was like a domino effect of "I'm sorry" to "this is totally unfair" to "do you want me to leave?" to "this is a fucking nightmare" to her telling me to get out. I feel if I removed any one of the things that were said it wouldn't have gotten so bad. Later on I called her and was a lot calmer, trying to explain I lost my temper and I'm still getting help. It's a done deal, my dad is taking care of it. She doesn't care then hung up on me. She called back and threw a bunch of blame on me trying to make me feel bad. I said I'm not crying, you're the one being a baby. She hung up, end of story. I didn't think. I still haven't cried and I don't know what to feel. This is a familiar place.Now, I'm willing to fight for us because she is a great person. I truly love her like I never loved somebody before. There's things about me she admits to not understanding, and I DO want to get help. I have so many issues, such a rotten history starting from childhood, if I don't get a handle on things today I will do something horrible sooner or later. If we are over, and I have very little doubt about that now after all the things said and done, it sucks but I will go on.Thanks to anybody brave enough to read my long sorry rant. I feel cold all over and stopped looking forward to the holidays. That's something I've always done alone. Things will get better, if only a little bit. Heck, maybe the doc will give me some awesome meds which will make every day the best day of my life rather than the opposite like the last 25 years.

Welcome back, Big Jay.

Quote:

I forgot to carry her walker downstairs when we woke up in the morning and I went to the bathroom. She was hating me . . .
This seems significant to me. If she were really hating you for a minor lapse of memory, she would have serious problems. But I think you may be misinterpreting her feelings, interpreting them as far more violent than they are. Then you react against that wrong interpretation.

I do sometimes interpret things wrong, but I have a strong sense of when someone is pissed off at me. All my life I've had anger management problems but never got violent with people I love. I did start acting like a different person after her surgery. Subconsciously I wanted to screw up and go back to the lonely hell I've spent most of my life in. We've had this discussion a few times in the past, and every time I got over myself after a couple hours or a day. This time it lasted a whole week. It's been with me my whole life, from breaking toys, ending good friendships for no reason, disowning my mother, not caring about anything, thinking about suicide every second of the day, etc. Until the last few years it felt like the normal thing. I'm not some emo goth whatever guy dressing in black leather and chains or anything like that. Feeling bad and empty inside is something I've grown up with. I finally find someone I can picture spending the rest of my life with and I might blow it because I lost control of things.As an update, we were talking on instant messenger and she's seems a lot more reasonable with me. We're probably not gonna see each other for a little while until I start feeling better about life in general. That means I'm seeing a doctor to figure out what's what. My father revealed to me there is a history of chemical imbalance in our family, but more likely I need to talk to somebody. He understands I have a lot of repressed anger toward certain people.

I think there's a destructive force inside all of us that wants to destroy things that we are afraid we can't handle. Sometimes misery seems more comfortable than happiness.

I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor about when I can come in for blood work. Apparently they need to test for chemical imbalances first. I'm thinking about forgetting the whole thing. Anyway, I called her up just a little while ago (yesterday she told me to call her today) and I let her know what's up and carefully chose all my words and was nice. She was being very bitchy but I didn't let myself fall for it. But man was I grinding my teeth. A three minute conversation with her making wise ass comments obviously baiting me to lose my temper. I am so sick of this shit I'm very tempted to not talk to her again. Right now I'm not regretting canceling my plane tickets to go home with her in a couple weeks. I'm pretty certain she already decided she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so why keep wasting my time.

Don't cancel the doctor. Your mood problems are disabling and if they can be fixed it will put you much more in control of your life.

My first appointment is Thursday morning. I just got off the phone with her and we talked for about an hour. Had some arguments, I listened, she lost her temper a few times, I talked and she listened, and it didn't end on a high note but not on a low one either. I explained to her if the roles had been reversed and the shit finally hit the fan I would be just as pissed at her, however I'd be impressed she'd make the effort to change for me. I've taken some mighty big leaps in the last several days. For one, I never opened up to my parents ever in my life. In past relationships or anything I happily walked away, never to be seen or heard from again. After a day of feeling cold I was good to go. Now I'm actively TRYING because for once I care. I think she understood that. She knows I love her and don't hate her despite my actions recently. We said a lot, and I'm sure I said everything that could possibly be said without seeing somebody for another day or 2. So anyway, right now she's "thinking about" her decision regarding our future. I was very clear I don't want to constantly wonder about her decision, but will give her time to make it. And I will definitely not be like her past ex's who continue to call her almost on a daily basis trying to make things the way they were.

I went and long story short my doctor prescribed Cymbalta for high stress. Next I'm gonna start seeing a local counselor he put me in contact with.Unfortunately, I'm fairly certain my relationship is over. That's ok. I'm really not upset about it anymore. What bothers me is wondering and waiting for her final decision so that I can move on with my life. I'll give it another week before I say goodbye.

The important thing is to get better so you can move forward. It seems you're making positive steps forward now, which is very good.

She talked to me earlier today and wants to get back together. The plan is to see each other next Sunday when she gets back from home. Will keep this up to date. Maybe somebody can learn from my mistakes heh.

Well that is good news!

Don't forget that everyone makes lots of mistakes.