Suicidal letter

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This is a suicidal letter I wrote. I just thought I would share it I don't really know why.Picture me highNot in your “sky,”Instead my mindIs it something I can find?Or am I down four ten?The end of the lineNo more grindNo more wasted time.You think it’s fineBut the thoughts remain clandestineSee the body and feel chills on your spineNow the situation is chaotically sereneYou never forget the sceneThe mothers screamOnly to be lost in this fiend.We call it SatanHere because the body must be takenHe told you he wasn’t fakingBut His voice fell on death’s earsSuccumbing to all fearsNow nobody is homeFinally it seems he’s left aloneWho will be next in this mess?We call it life full of testsNo happy ending, in its place an apparent failA funeral to be attending, the wind just happened to push my sailDon’t care for the pain, please don’t for longFate says tears must rain, just don’t forget my song.Note: Just what was going through my mind, four ten refers to the date of when I planned to do it. A lot of my poem I often related it as two sides, for example I broke down, picture me high/ but my mind refers to my drug abuse but also the idea that my parents and those around me are all christian as Not in your "sky"/is it something I can find, I'm an atheist and often my parents and many other figures picked and still do at me for being an atheist. Then I say the end of the line / wasted time which refers to the time they wasted trying to convince me and that they no longer need to try. That's generally how I wrote the poem.First Paragraph - Battle with parentsSecond paragraph - Finding my bodyThird paragraph - Voice fell on Death's/Deaf ears I refer to how nobody really noticed, also another point on atheism as the devil is here. I also have red hair, I'm basically calling myself a devil in my parents eyes.Fourth paragraph - My thoughts on my life. The right side of the comma is my last words to my family and friends and the left side is what they will have to go through which is what I went through every day.I guess I want to show people how close I was and still am to suicide, that I realize/ don't realize why people think of suicide. I don't really agree with this social stigma of weakness when dealing with suicide I have to fight every single day to stay alive. I also don't like this movement of people who cut themselves, it just shows their disregard for actual acceptance of a problem within their head, expressing yourself by cutting yourself definately isn't a solution instead its a way of looking for attention, and usually it isnt because the person needs it but rather wants to be the center of it.Real people that are struggling keep quiet. Nobody I know knows of what Im going through and none of them will, and I think this is important to point out, as those who call themselves suicidal when the average problems they go through are so minor compared to the quiet ones. In this sense as much as many of you would want to help, it's usually impossible to do so, instead the battle is an internal one that must be fought from within, the depressed person has to want to live, so an external force often doesn't do much of anything.

Thanks for that, Technichal. Do you intend showing family or friends the letter? The mention of Satan may lead people to think you are a Satanist rather than an atheist (the two are confused too much already).But it would be good for people close to you to know what you are going through. We all need to understand each other better.

That's the idea, in the environment I'm in thats what I'm viewed as, a satanist.Knowledge is power and sometimes that can be used in a bad way. If the people around me knew what I go through they wouldn't be able to grasp it, and try to do so. Or they would offer their sympathy, which is something that I don't need. Pity doesn't get you anywhere.

I quite like your poem. I find it a bit melodramatic for a suicide but I guess suicide is a bit melodramatic itself. Anyway, I think it's very good.I will make a couple critical points. You make the probably correct assumption that no one knows what your going through, to a degree I'm sure that's true. But then you go beyond that and make the same faulty assumption that you know what others are, or in this case are not, going through. Don't fall victim to your own isolation in the assumption that you know what other people are feeling and the, all to common, no one knows or can understand my feelings. Many people have walked through hell. I assure you your, by far, not the first. I do understand that it's a unique journey for each person and one they have to make alone, but even though it may seem so, your not the only one to ever have made it.That brings me to my second point. Yes our demons must be slain in our minds by our own hands. However, to assume that because it must be so, equates to the support of others being futile is a grievous underestimation of what the help of patronage is. For most there can be great strength in knowing these grounds have been trod before and that they are not the first to know the face of torment and the despair and abandon. Many have felt the comfort of rage, had only their faith in perdition and have been the servant of hate.Don't be so quick to discount the council of another, your not the first to walk to the wall of flame and feel it scorch your throat and burn out your eyes. There is no hope of change except in that we seek to undertake. The journey can be our salvation even more it can be our strength if only we know to use it as such.

This isn’t so much about the poem but more so about the last perhaps made and what old folks said..I just now realized what some one meant when he told me something in a post a few weeks back. I didn’t really understand what he meant when he said “perspective on the preciousness and fragility of the all to fleeting mirth of life.“ and my appreciation for my good days. At one time they were few. Then I had a long shot of good but the good always end up getting flooded by more bad. I guess to know what bad is you have to know what good is like. That’s what makes it so much harder and frustrating. I know the good and I want it back desperately when shit is bad. There is times when the pain is SO bad I want to just leave… many times I have tried. The pain gets so bad that I hurt myself on purpose because I can deal with physical pain better than my past. It took a hour in half therapy talk to figure that our last week. I didn’t know why I kept flipping out on myself. I’m not climbs, I’m just very cruel to myself. Now I’m trying to hold back a flood … but this goes back to what old folks was saying.. About others pain and others too have been threw shit. It rips out my chest to think that as bad as I had it (and feel now) that in some home some place some one has it worse……..feels worse. Hurts worse. I at least was fed and healthy or wasn’t locked in a closet for weeks. The sad thing is some people read this and it’s unbelievable but to me it’s just another day. I just except things to be bad. Technichal I am one of those people your judging. I can be suicidal. I can seriously go from loving the day to wanting to die in a quick second. All it takes is one little something to flip that switch. I’m constantly being watched cuz my girl knows this and my family knows this.. constantly being watched is why I’m constantly being saved (I guess). why people think of suicide and attempt it. Cuz of pain.. Powerful pain. Thinks the mind tells you to feel the pain and it gets over whelming. People don’t understand thing that haven’t dealt with it. I know a few here on this sit have said they think people that commit suicide are selfish and bla bla… it’s their beliefs and that’s fine but they don’t understand the power. They might think they do……. But they.. I don’t think they do. Maybe I’ve said too much. I don’t want to start shit. I know the people that think some one that committed suicide is self will want to come and defend themselves. witch is why I said they can believe what they do… in the end it don’t matter. Maybe I should just delete this whole suicide part. I really hate it when people say people are “looking for attention”. it was said to me when I first told. And it is the reason that people (especially here) will not know about even a 10th of what I go threw on a daily bases. Real people that are struggling keep quiet.Are they? I’ve been told there are two types. Nobody I know knows of what Im going through and none of them willBut you told us (a2a) ..but then we really don’t know you or you us.. In this sense as much as many of you would want to help, it's usually impossible to do soThat is wrong. I found help here on this forum. Tho- he was trying to pust me for “trolling” he found out the sad truth…..well and a year later a even bigger one. internal one that must be fought from withinNo…. I would defiantly be dead if it wasn’t for ALL the help I’ve had to keep me some what sane. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m jumping all over you Technichal. I dk. Maybe I took this a little too over personal ( I do that) and shouldn’t have.

Don't know a tenth of what you have gone through, all of you have gone after me for making assumptions yet you just made the biggest one, that my problems fall inferior to yours.I did not say that those who attempt or think of suicide are selfish or that they need attention, I said those that go out and tell others and make it quite obvious are seeking attention. Quite often consciously or not when you struggle you will tell someone of your struggle, I have done this but only with shallow problems, and this is a shallow response, its looking for attention to see that someone cares.However when you are truly depressed, and I mean TRULY depressed then you just don't care. I don't care if people like me or not, I don't care if someone supports me or not. That's true depression, you become desensitized and you just stop caring.So I stand by my point that external opinions and people can't actually help, HOWEVER I do think that external lets say "forces" can be theres as a PREVENTATIVE measure. Often the reason why depression starts is BECAUSE there is nobody to care for you. But as I said, once you are truly depressed it no longer matters. You may say I'm assuming people all deal with things the same way. I would reply with a solid yes. Some people take more pain then others but when you get to that breaking point of suicide it means you generally gave up. If you cared what people thought or cared that others looked out for you, you wouldn't ever attempt a suicide.So you are not one of the people I'm judging. I'm judging this "emo" crowd, now I know some people just where the clothes, and the make up, but it goes beyond this. They bring their shallow problems into shallow situations by making it evident that they need attention, so they do things to look for it, like cutting themselves.As you said that I told A2A, this is a computer, seriously I didn't explain what I have gone through in the first place, and text can never replace a conversation face to face. Which brings me to my next point. It is impossible to truly help someone especially through a computer if they are as depressed or anywhere near as depressed as me. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else and I highly doubt that someone this close to suicide would all of a sudden say, "HEY! you know this random person in utah makes a good point, all of a sudden I feel better!"A friend, or a random person online will not be able to change my will to live. That lies in my hands, and it will until the day I die, whether it be with those hands or by some other force.

I don't mean to be curt and I'm not trying to be argumentative or insensitive but what's your point?

>>>"that my problems fall inferior to yours."

This is nonsensical. Everyone's trials and problems are relative to their life experiences. What may be trivial for one may be devastating to another. How I may view it is of no consequence. All that matters is how stressful it is to the one living it.

>>>"However when you are truly depressed, and I mean TRULY depressed then you just don't care. I don't care if people like me or not, I don't care if someone supports me or not. That's true depression, you become desensitized and you just stop caring."

That's correct, but so what.

Also, it's worth noting that when we are depressed we tend to make things worse than they are. It's helpful when people point out that folly to us. You know when your in that depressive state that you think, "This is shit. So I might just as well see if I can shit it up little more." That is when others are valuable to have around, to correct our journey further into our isolation of apathy.

>>>"external opinions and people can't actually help, HOWEVER I do think that external lets say "forces" can be theres as a PREVENTATIVE measure."

That's just wrong. Can those opinions fix the situation of course not but what they do offer is sounding board, a guide, a different perspective that can sometimes make us see things that we would have never otherwise thought about.

That's part of the problem with treatment for depression or hell for that matter a lot of medical issues. A person come in expecting to be fixed. If I talk to this doc in couple months or years everything will be all better or if I take this drug I won't have this problem anymore. That's not the way it works and that's not what it's about.

Often people who either refuse to enter therapy or quit therapy do so for this reason. "This guy can't fix the things that are bothering me, so what's the point." The point is, it's not anyone else's job to fix us, they aren't going to make things all better, they can't. What they can do is help us cope and give us a better means of dealing with our feelings and, as I said, sometimes show us things aren't as bad as we seem to think they are. It's through this slow process of realization and actualization that we gain the ability to slay our demons ourselves.

>>>"So you are not one of the people I'm judging. I'm judging this "emo" crowd, now I know some people just where the clothes, and the make up, but it goes beyond this. They bring their shallow problems into shallow situations by making it evident that they need attention, so they do things to look for it, like cutting themselves."

Who cares? We're not them so why care what they say, think or do?

>>>"...text can never replace a conversation face to face. Which brings me to my next point. It is impossible to truly help someone especially through a computer..."

No one ever said text could replace face to face communication. Don't be to dismissive of it though for a lot of people writing about their troubles is far easier than talking about them. Some of the greatest most inspired works of mankind, be they written or painted or sculpted, are simply alternative mediums for the conveyance of emotion. That's the beauty of art it gives release to that which is to profound to describe or to traumatic to confer first hand. Just because a computer is a common tool doesn't mean that it lacks the power to illuminate, to extend or simply to make connections of value.

>>>"A friend, or a random person online will not be able to change my will to live. That lies in my hands, and it will until the day I die, whether it be with those hands or by some other force."

Let me offer that it's generally random people that effect or lives the most. Whether it's the guy that robs us, the love of our life we meet in the grocery, or the child we can't yet fathom. Random people are the ones who bring freshness to our thoughts and challenger our beliefs. They are the ones who most give shape to that we were brought up to believe. In a stale world the randomness of chance meetings are what we use as the building blocks of our tomorrows.

I never once said your problems are inferior to mine. Apparently you were not reading correctly. I said there are people with LESS problems and some with MORE problems. And I’m saying there is no such thing is=n SHALLOW problems. Where the hell do you get this inferior shit from? For the rest I pass. it’s not worth it. People here have eyes and can read. They can take what they want or not. Also, it's worth noting that when we are depressed we tend to make things worse than they are. It's helpful when people point out that folly to us. You know when your in that depressive state that you think, "This is shit. So I might just as well see if I can shit it up little more." That is when others are valuable to have around, to correct our journey further into our isolation of apathy.Exactly! And it’s great to have people slap you in the face and say boy.. It gets better. Remember this.. Remember that. Remember so in so. Bla bla.. People can help. And I know there is a point when a mind want let some one help… that’s when suicide is happens. That’s when the person want take the time to reach for someone. That’s when that person want hit the speed number to call some one.. That’s when the person takes a hand load of pills (or stick a gun to their head) and hopes no one realizes the person isn’t going to wake up. Yea I like what old folks said.. He says shit way better than me. Witrch also make sme relize cuz I;m such bad at this talkkgn shit that maybe I did say somthign that made you think I think I;m inferior but if I did I didn’t mean it that way at all! It really hurts when your girl leaves you, when your going to fail and have to take a class again, when a parent don’t give shit, when feelings get hurt, when the past over whelms you…… shit I can go on but .yea. Big or small.. Still hurts. Depression makes any hurt mountains and mountains higher…rivers and rivers deeper.

I know it's nonsensical don't say that to me say it to the person I was replying too.We make things out to be worst then they are? Hm I just stated that people remain quiet when they are truly depressed, and you just stated they make them out to be worst then they are. You suggest taking in someone elses opinion, but you just agreed that you don't care about someone's opinion when you are depressed.Once again the previous poster stated that their saviour was an A2A member, hence a post, which presumably must be text, correct?I've been through over 6 psychologists and psychiatrists, all strangers, None of them helped. I didn't actually recover from my first wave of depression until after I stopped taking the drugs and visiting these 'professionals.' Your response to what I said was completely irrelevant, but I just re-established in detail what I previously stated. As to random people will effect your life, well of course, your parents are random people too. Everyone is a random person so seeing as how there is no other types of people who may change your life if you are going to play the probability card then I don't see how this is even an arguement.I stated that in the end the decision is yours no one elses. This is why I stated people are there as a preventative role because often they can shape the decision that you must make. But once you get to that decision it is yours, not anothers.Also, "And it is the reason that people (especially here) will not know about even a 10th of what I go threw on a daily bases. " Sounds like an implication that your problems cause you to go through more then anyone else. Instead of looking at the denotative use of your words look at the connotative expressions you are making out by using the words.

Quote: Also, "And it is the reason that people (especially here) will not know about even a 10th of what I go threw on a daily bases. " Sounds like an implication that your problems cause you to go through more then anyone else. Instead of looking at the denotative use of your words look at the connotative expressions you are making out by using the words. ok.. so now i see where you thought i was saying my shit is more than your shit... so I’ll clarify- i meant that as in i am quite in what i do / deal with and i have those i will talk too. That was a response to the paragraph /part you were saying about attention seekers and those being quite and hiding. Ok you never said hiding but it’s a term I use cuz. That’s what it is. Hiding. i will also add that I am the first to admit I am a stupid idiot.