You don't have to read this or respond... in fact it's just here because I need to get it off my chest. Advice would be nice though.
I don't know how to get close to my dad... I feel emotionless around him. I don't even feel right calling him dad. I haven't seen him in a year... I don't think he remembers me...
My stepdad is turning into Wolverine again. I don't know what his problem is... he's so emotional... or maybe too aggressive. He's been having strange mood swings lately. Last time he threatened my sister... He threatened me for something I didn't do. I think he's with another woman too because we haven't seen him lately. He has another phone, I saw it, and we can never reach him on his cell. He's always "busy" working. But when you work you make MONEY. "where da money at???"
I feel like another "statistic". Another black child being raised in a single mother home barely making it and angry at the world. I'm not angry though. I'm actually pretty happy. But somebody said something to me today. I know I shouldn't have taken it seriously but... it kind of hurt. They said "at least I have a father" and then another person said "she probably doesn't even know who her real father is". I don't know... I just feel... I don't know.
Past Truth (feel like bearing it all I guess): My mom married my real dad and divorced him when I was like...4 because he threatened to hit her. My sister and I share the same dad. My mom never married my little brother's dad. My brother's dad who is not legally my "stepdad" had my oldest brother with a different woman, and my second oldest brother with another different woman. But somehow we all happened to come and be a wonderful happy family. LOL can't say that with a straight face. My sister used to be beaten and abused by my real dad when she was younger and she would even take beatings for me since I was so young. Of course he used to beat me a couple of times but not as much as her. That's how she almost lost her eye because she had glasses on. She was only...13 at the time I think. She never told my mom until she got older and moved out the house.
My stepdad almost seemed by bipolar. When he was happy he was like a kid. When he was angry he was verbally and physically abusive. I've been beaten, my little brother has been beaten. My two older brothers have been beaten. My sister was threatened but she's independent lol she wouldn't handle that nonsense.
I'm not saying getting beat is wrong... in some cases it is wrong. But it's also good discipline. When my mom beat me it was for a reason. I lied, I stole candy from the store, I rode my bike down the forbidden hill and almost got hit by a car. That's a good reason to get beat. But when my "dads" beat me it was out of anger. Playing with a strange cat is no reason to beat a 5 year old till she turned bright red and her skin became sore.
I didn't realize how messed up my family was or myself. It's funny and depressing at the same time. I'm ok though. I think... I'm pretty sure... I don't know why I started thinking about all this. I saw a iron burn scar on my leg and thought about it. My teacher has been more of a father to me than anyone else. I wish he would adopt me lol. He's only 27... and he's white... but who cares he's awesome.
I realized that every single one of my friends are missing their fathers. My best friend's mother is a lesbian and in rehab for drugs and alcohol and she's only seen her father at least 3 times in her life. She's being taken care of by her aunt. My other friend's father left the three of them (her, her sister, and her mom) not too long after her birth. My other friend's mother and father divorced and he moved on to be with another family and constantly verbally abuses her and her mother. Another friend lives with just her mother and brother. Their parents divorced because he used to abuse the mother. There's more than that but I'd rather not mention anymore. You get the gist...
We're really just a bunch of statistics aren't we? That sucks.... I guess that explains why people don't expect much out of us. I mean... our pasts don't define who we are does it?
I think I turned out ok....