Okay just to be forewarned, this is going to be a long post. I have been wanting peoples' opinions on this for awhile so please hear me out.
So heres how it goes. Lynsey and I got together 3 yrs ago about. Her me and my best friend would always hung out and I would never think anything of it. WE would always have a good time. A year into the relationship she kissed another guy (a peck) and told me on our prom night. Somehow i got over this. But that isnt what this post is about - that is just some background information.
Last may of 2008 Lynsey and I went through some rough times. There were some times where she was angry with me and didnt want to talk to me so she hung out with Evan. In the beginning of June, There was a night where I had invited Lynsey to go to the theme park the next with me and some buddies. She told me she couldnt cuz she had to work, so i purposed that we hang out when I get back. She said okay that'll probably work. ON my way back from the theme park i text her to tell her that i am on my way home. its 10 at night and she tells me that she is just gonna do her own thing. I was a little frustrated by this but i just blew it off cuz she had a curfew at like 1 so she wanted to go hang out - whatever. I got a weird feeling so i texted her around midnight to ask what she was doing. She told me that she was smoking with my best friend and his friend.
I have had distinct conversations with her about how I hate weed, and that I dont date people with weed. But basically I came to the conclusion that she put smoking weed with two guys above me (because we essentially made plans). I confronted her the next day and told her i thought it was completely disrespectful and that I was not gonna put up with it. If she thinks smoking weed with two guys till 2am when we made plans ESPECIALLY is okay, then thats fucked. She was bawling....blah blah blah.. and we made up but i did stay assertive about it.
About 5 days later She has having a hard time at work and calls me during her shift. I talk to her to calm her through it and invite her to a movie that me and my buddies are going to see. She says she cant cuz she works till 10 (the movies started at 9:30. SO i said okay I'll just talk to you later, let me know if you need anything.
I call her when the movie lets out and i dont get any answer, call back, or text all night. This is very out of the blue because usually we keep contact pretty well. I get that same gut feeling the next day. Now let me explain I am not a clingy boyfriend but when I have a gut feeling it is almost always right.
So i feel the need to text her and ask her what she was doing last night (cuz she never answered the phone). She at first says "hanging out". So i further question and say "with who?" SHe tells me "Evan". I have the urge to ask her "Were you guys drinking"? She tells me "Yes but it was only a little bit". I tell her "so wait you drove home after you drank?" She tells me "Yes but it was only a little bit".
So she confirmed that she drove home...but I didnt believe her. I tell her "You spent the night didnt you" (Evans friend was house sitting a house last night and thats where they were at). She tells me "Yes but i didnt tell you cuz i thought you'd get mad"
I point out that she drank at a dudes house ( dont care if its my bestfriend). Tried to avoid telling me about it, didnt answer my phone calls that night and to top it off spent the night?
I forgot to mention that me and her broke up for a couple days before the weed incident.
Anyways that same day that I talked to her about that incident I broke up with her and we stayed broken up for 2 months. After two months, we started to talk again and casualy dated. Eventually we got back together. But before we got back together I asked her if she did anything physical with any guy or went on any dates, she said very easily "no".
I told her that I did go on a few dates and kissed a couple of women. I was very upfront with her and it was very hard to do.
Two weeks into us getting back together (This is the beginning of OCtboer) She gives me an IM saying, "since you were honest with me about Nicole I need to be honest with you." SHe told me she kissed evan while we were broken up.
I knew it was more than that so i called her. She still tried to tell me they kissed. I told her "You had sex with him didnt you?" she said yes....... We had a 2 hr long intensive dramatic conversation.
SHe told me that they were both drunk and high - doesnt matter I told her.
I had eventually come to find out that evan texted her the next morning asking her if she regretted it, she said NO. The next time they hung out she told him she had feelings for him. WHen i confronted her about this her reasoning is cuz "he was just there". She is unwilling to explain it pas tthat point.
It is now 8 months later and I have been known to bring it up in conversation sometimes cuz she hasnt fully explained it. She constantly gets mad at me cuz i cant get over the past but she needs to understand that is a huge emotional burden. Anytime I tell her that I have thought about it she crys and crys because she thinks she is depressing me.
Recently things have been hitting the gutter again. Just recently a text conversation we had
** = me
no stars = her
**Are we doing better or worse than a month ago?
Honestly? Probably the same.
**I'm starting to think you'd be happier with someone else
I think the same with you
... We dont talk as much anymore and when we fight and argue sometime I'll think about the past. Sorry for the long post I felt like I needed to explain anything. Below is the myspace message evan sent me, evan, and my brother to be completely honest because he felt very guilty. I'd like to know what I can do to get her interest back up? Right now it doesnt seem like she shows nearly as much affection as she used to.....
Travis, Lynsey, and Jason,
I’m writing you three because this story is getting out of hand and I’m getting tired of it. This is the story as it happened. There is no bullshit attached to this. You all know me very well and how much of a straight up guy I am. If I say something important it’s 100% honest. If I’m not sure of something then I’m going to let you know, if I don’t then I’m saying nothing but solid factual truth. So, here is the story.
Travis and I were going through a rough point over the summer. I didn’t like how he treated me due to his situation with Lynsey. He would listen to my advice about things but never followed through with it. I understand why though. Love just takes over sometimes. We weren’t talking for good amount of time, I’m not sure how long it was, my guess is at least 2 ½ to 3 weeks. He and Lynsey had broken up at some point during this ordeal but continued to hang out with me. She and I went over to David’s house to have some drinks with a few friends. We were all hanging out in his room at his Dad’s house. We were all drinking pretty heavily and the party was getting pretty crazy. Eventually the three girls that were there had their shirts off and started making out with each other. I don’t know exactly how much everyone had to drink but I think it’s safe to assume that if that was happening then everyone was pretty tipsy. The night went on, David and CeCe were talking to me and Lynsey separately egging us on to kiss. The drinking continued and then David brought out his gravity bong and started smoking weed. I took a good solid 2 or 3 hits, not exactly sure how many but I know that when it was all said and done I was high as a kite. Lynsey took either one or two hits. I honestly don’t remember if she took the second one, I remember her coughing from the first one though so I think she stopped at one. More drinks followed. Lynsey and I were sitting on David’s futon and I initiated a kiss. This progressed. Eventually Lynsey suggested we go somewhere, the first time she said “Let’s go somewhere” I acted like I didn’t hear it, but the second time she suggested it I decided on the bathroom. We went to David’s bathroom; someone knocked on the door and slid in a condom. From there we had sex. After that we left the bathroom and somehow I ended up passed out on David’s bedroom floor. I woke up, everyone was gone. David was sleeping on his Dad’s bed but came in a few minutes after I woke up. I don’t know who texted who first, but somewhere along the line that morning I got a text from Lynsey saying “Regrets?” I said something like “no, how bout you?” or “no,you?” not sure on the exact wording. She replied “None.” We then decided on not telling Travis, however, I had every intention on telling him later on when he was over Lynsey and onto another girl. From there, Travis and I ended up just being good again, we never really talked things out or anything, it just kind of happened I guess. That’s usually how we work. Then, just recently, on Sunday, Travis told me that he and Lynsey had been together again for the past two weeks. I was disappointed but I understood his reasoning and still to this moment back up his logic on getting back together with her. He said that they both talked about what had happened when they were apart. Travis told Lynsey about things that happened with him and Nicole and about the other dates he had been on. Although, now that they were back together, I felt Travis needed to know what had happened. I sent Lynsey a text that same day saying something like, “It was your decision to get back together with him, you have to tell him what happened.” Travis told her what had happened in all honesty and I knew that she had not because if she would have then I would have a fist in my face. She refused to tell him so I told her that if she hadn’t told him in one week then I was going to tell him. It wasn’t fair that he told her everything that happened and she did not. Arguing conversations reoccurred over a few days between her and I about whether or not she had to tell him. I didn’t give an inch, she had to tell him or I would. Then one night she ended up calling or texting him or something, I have no idea, and told him what happened. I got a call from Travis that same night and we talked for a while. Nothing really got accomplished. I said sorry and apologized which is an extreme rarity for me. Words can’t even describe how sorry I am. In all honesty I don’t see any reason for Travis to want to be friends with me. He said he’d call me the next day but alas, no call. A few days went by and I got a text from him saying that he considers what I did RAPE regardless of how Lynsey was acting because she was smashed. Rape. If you read above there’s a part where Lynsey admits to having no regrets about what had happened. I might be an idiot but most RAPE cases don’t go without intense hatred and massive amounts of regret. Rape is not what occurred that night.
That’s the story in as much detail as is necessary. What I have said is 100% honest and I have not attached and bullshit or vague details. This is what happened. Now, I have messages for all three of you and you all will see each other’s messages.
Travis: I’ve known you and been extremely close to you since 7th grade. That’s roughly 6 years. When I say I don’t regret something it does not mean that I am proud of something. I don’t regret anything because it’s a waste of time. I can’t change what happened, but I am truly sorry. I never say sorry and I will fight to the death to make my point clear and you know that. So if I am apologizing to you, then I would hope you know that I am sincerely and whole-heartedly sorry. There were no intentions of it ever happening again and you know that I would never do something like this in a clear state of mind. On another note, I will not stand for you accusing me of something as serious as rape. That is not what occurred at all. If consented regretless sex is what you define as rape then I think you need to read up on it a bit more. I understand you are extremely angry with me, but if you are going to be mad it sure as hell better be because I slept with your ex, not because you think that I RAPED her. I am sorry for what happened and I can’t imagine how hard it is to handle, but I felt that you needed and deserved to know about it. Continuing your relationship with Lynsey would be ridiculous without you knowing. I didn’t want this burden on my shoulders in the first place and when you told me you got back together with her I knew I had to get it off. This situation is not one that I feel you deserve to be in and I understand if you do not want to continue a friendship with me, but understand that I wanted you to know and Lynsey did not.
Lynsey: We’ve been friends for a long time and I still remember the days of you hating me. I never thought that we would get back to that point. You’ve helped me out immensely with my issues with Abbey and you’ve always been a great friend to me. This is why I cannot believe that you are turning on me now. I told you to tell Travis what happened, not to give him a half ass explanation. If you are going along with the idea that I raped you then I am extremely disappointed, if not then I expect you to admit to Travis that the story above is what happened. You and I both know that it is what happened, and if you decide to keep lying and giving half truths to Travis, who is family to me, then I am deeply disgusted. I am asking you to not reply to this message unless it is an apology. You owe it to me.
Jason: You and Travis are like family to me. I’ve looked up to ever since I went to the LAN in your basement at your dad’s house and pitched $20 dollars towards drinks and pizza. You’ve helped me out ridiculous amounts countless times during the time that I have known you. You are like an older brother to be but I understand that I screwed over your real brother. I had planned on telling you and Travis both in person when he got over Lynsey, but it’s apparent that that is not going to happen. I was not lying to you when I said that there was nothing going on with Lynsey and I. There was nothing going on with us up until that point and forever after that point. Lynsey admitted feelings to me after this all happened and I let her know that I did not share them. If you reply to this and tell me to come over so you can pound my face in, then I will absolutely do so. I deserve it completely.
Overall, I am sorry for what happened. I felt that all of you needed to know all of this. If you guys reply I only want questions. If I get a question then I will answer it honestly and truthfully, but I will not take any more accusations. I slept with Lynsey when she and Travis were broken up and he and I were not talking. It happened during an altered state of consciousness and if we were clear minded then it absolutely would not have happened. I think that holds true on both sides. Again, I’m not going to take anymore accusations. I think that accusing me of rape is over the line. I understand that what I did was over the line as well, but I will not stand for being labeled as a rapist. I am sorry for what I have done. I can’t apologize any more than I have without repeating myself a million times. Words can’t explain it and I do not deserve the chance to show it.
Been together for 3 yrs.... multiple issues...
Okay just to be forewarned, this is going to be a long post. I have been wanting peoples' opinions on this for awhile so please hear me out.
My personal impression is that you are too controlling. You expect an excessive standard of compliance, which means people lie to you. When you are broken up you have no claims on your girlfriend - something you find difficult to accept.
My feeling is that until you are able to be more accepting and easygoing, you will continue to have difficulties.
A real mess!! Evan seems to realize that mixing booze, pot, and hormones is a recipe for disaster. It was, however, when you and Lynsey were apart. Now any good friend in his right mind would not have taken advantage of the situation, but Evan was not in his right mind. Give him credit for coming clean, and demanding that Lynsey do so also.
A bigger question, I think, is that of Lynsey. She, too, was feeling the effects of the booze and pot that night, so we'll give her a pass for the night. Bad judgement? Sure, but so was Evan's. What concerns me is how she is acting subsequent to then. Guilty? Uninterested? You know her better than we do, but it appears you two are growing more apart than together.
I think, too, that you might examine your own intentions. If you're not going to be with her, do you have the right to be concerned with who is? I realize that you did make several attempts to include her in your life and your activities, but it appears that you two were drifting apart then and now.
I disagree. I dont think you
re controlling at all. Alot of people act the exact way you did with your girlfriend.<br /><br />They lied to you because they were to scared to tell you the truth on what happened. When you are broken up with your girlfriend.. your friend of 6 years should know better then to go have sex with her. She should also know better than that. Especially considering she was dating you for 2.5 years. Thats the same amount of time me and my boyfriend have been dating. I know I would NEVER do anything with ANY of his friends. I also wouldnt be lieing to him about who Im with. When youre dating someone for that long you need to be honest and open with them about everything. She seems to have the issue in that area.
I think you need to get rid of this sleezy lying girl and find someone who isnt going to lie to you and keep you in the dark. You deserve better and soon will realize that
Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.
Sounds like the typical case of one partner not respecting the other. And it doesn't seem new. Looks like it was happening as short as 1 year into the relationship.
You guys unfortunately are not a match, and you need to find a girl who will treat you better. She sounds like she hasn't matured enough yet to the level you want out of her. She also sounds like she is at a separate level of conduct than you. She's ok with smoking weed, you are not. If that is a deal-breaker, then *right then* is the time to break it off. My girlfriend when she was really young used to drink wine coolers with her mother. I'm a party-pooper who does not allow alcohol at all, so I told her it was a matter of dropping the habit, or dropping me, and the change had to be immediate. That was about 6 months into the relationship and she decided to drop the alcohol instead. We're now at the same 3 year mark and relatively happy (Rough patch right now though but we still smile towards each other every day, its just school and college wearing on us both).
Also what was the whole rape thing about? My twin brother had an ex like that (she was still a virgin but they fooled around a little non-penetratively and suddenly she's calling rape).
That's a scary situation to be in that you all sound too young to be accusing each other of. Keep an eye on the rumors. Don't be afraid to spread the truth. A good reputation takes a lifetime to build, a bad reputation mere seconds.
Best of luck to you :smile: