Its just me!!

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I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I often escape reality by daydreaming too much. It affects my everyday life but its the only way I know where I feel better. Sometimes I find it extremely hard to communicate with others verbally and they dont make sense of what I am saying, they dont understand what I say.An example from my past: I asked my ex bf what he would do with me if he had more time to spend with me.......he replied he is a normal guy.I dont know why he said that and I keep confusing myself with the replies people give me.I am finding it more and more difficult every day to talk to others verbally and my words are getting mixed up often. I am shutting my self out from reality again. My personality is split up into stages.......(this I know only from records my mom, dad and doc kept) it divided into these few stages....one is sorta like a hermit and very silent more calculating and studious (its the normal me), then there is one which is more childish and totally stupid, the last one is filled with only anger and hatred, self harming or harming others.You may think I am crazy if I said that I have a totally different world in my brain, a place I often escape to......an imaginary one, where people I love are the way I like them to be.I have been doing a lot of stupid things lately........cos my self image has changed again in my mind........I am wearing dresses and colors I usually hated and now I seem to hate what I loved the most. I hate red color but I am wearing a shirt in red right now.......my fav is black and I threw out all my fav dresses which were in black!!!Since past few weeks I have been having various thoughts of how I should end my life and what steps I should take to reach my goal of killing my self........I got some horrifying ideas like making an incision in my chest and rip my heart out with my own hand and see it beat one final time before I die.I am feeling lost and betrayed.........very angry and depressed.......all my emotions are in the extremes and mixed up. I feel very happy out of nowhere and for no reason at all. I feel guilty all of a sudden........I feeling like I wanna cut myself and add a few more scars to the old ones.......start doing drugs or drink too much so I can escape reality.I am hurting too much.......I feel like I am losing my mind.I wanna scream and cry but I cant cos I will disturbing everyone.I am having a relapse of epilepsy after a break of 1 yr.......I am losing consciousness more often, dizzy all the time and my eyes arent focusing well.......I am sometimes seeing 3-4 images of my surroundings sorta layered one upon other which is very disturbing and there is blurring as well (it lasts a couple of hours everytime).Whatever I think or read I often get an auditory voice talking aloud in my head and there is also simultaneous visualization of things I am thinking or reading about........its like a movie running in my head. If anyone disturbs me when this happens to me I feel very angry and get irritated.......In past I punched my mom and she lost a tooth....only cos she just tapped me on my shoulder so I would have some food.......later I cut my hand cos I felt guilty for hitting her though I didnt know she was even there or why I punched out for no reason.I am finding it hard to control my emotions.......and though I am very depressed I am unable to cry.I keep smiling for no reason at all.I dont feel I have any solid reason to live for in my life.......I am trying to find a reason to live for but I am losing hope as I am unable to find any. I have lost hope.I am not feeling any interest in any kinda activity and I am not paying attention to my sweet puppy too.......I love her a lot but I am unable to play with her these days........I am ignoring her for no utter reason.I have been grinding my teeth while sleeping cos I found cracks on my teeth.......even few are breaking down into tiny chips........my jaw is hurting and so are my teeth.I have even fallen out of my daily routines.........I have made a mess of my wardrobe and bookselves........everything is lying around everywhere.......on chairs, tables, on floor.........I have even torn few of my clothes and favorite books. I burned a hole in my carpet when I set a book on fire.......(if mom hadnt put water on it maybe my rooms would have gotten burned).I am not eating well.........just one small meal in a whole day.......not drinking much water either.I know I am in a bad shape but I dont wanna see any docs for it........I have been seeing them for more than a decade but none have helped me so far.My mom is kinda pesting me cos I aint normal like others and not agreeing to do "normal" things like going to movies or having some fun, making friends etc.I am getting totally irritated with everything around me........I dont wanna go back to drinking way too much, overdosing myself with drugs.......and always end up in ER, getting a lecture for my actions from strangers and docs.I dont understand much about the real world or how people actually live........its so confusing for me.......esp relationships.If I fall in love with guy or a girl I tend to be obsessed with them way too much and always have high expectations which they dont keep up with and disappoint me........I end up with a secret desire to kill them.I am getting really sick of my life.......I cannot pay attention to or understand reality or this world........I am perfectly at peace with crunching numbers and paying attention to inanimate stuff.........far away from people.I tried over and over again to be "normal" but I feel nauseated by it.......I cannot keep up with such a stupid label as "normal" and I dont wanna be someone or something who I am not.Though my brain makes the right choices for me......I often go with my stupid emotions and suffer cos of it. And the voice in my brain laughs at me saying "I told you so, didnt I".........I have a hell living inside my brain........my own voice and images (in my head) are irritating me so much that I have started getting severe head aches.......I cant get the thing to stop or leave me in peace.I dont know what to do and I know psychiatrists cant help me.......they will only put me on meds that make me feel worse than I am right now.Without my own knowledge I bite my own hand when I am frustrated, recently I tried to tear of my ears and found they were bleeding when I got my senses back.......my mom and dad are getting tired of my behavior and are getting very depressed too. I cant live alone (only cos I may do something very stupid like chop my own fingers or hand off if I lost my control) or I would have left my parent's home long back. I am feeling so guilty for hurting them.I feel alright only when I am doing research on something (for my own interest) or when I think of working in a lab of my own.....doing experiments. I had the wish to work at a lab since I was 3 yrs old.......I cant shake it out of my system and I really cant think of doing anything else other than what interests me.I have way too many talents and a photographic memory (its doesnt work well if I am depressed or taking meds that make me sleepy)........I know I am wasting my life trying to fit in with others and trying to be normal for the sake of others.......its annoying the hell outta me.I was pulled of college cos my doc thought it would make me feel better cos I was under heavy medication and needed hospitalization........some of my parents friends and visitors make fun of me for the reason that I discontinued college and was unable to attend to my studies for years due to mental and drug related reasons............it hurts me so much........even when I begged my dad to let me attend classes he didnt agree to let me attend college for many years.The assholes who came to me for help in studying (in school and college) laugh at me these days.........it hurts me so much. I was the damned top scorer in my class and the youngest one too. its hurting my self esteem way too much and I kinda feel like I cant score well if I attended any exams even when I know I can do it.....I am lacking my confidence.I dont wanna live like others, I dont wanna be social, I dont wanna be normal or try to fit in with ohters........I just wanna fulfill my dreams, my aims.I am feeling very confused about what to do. Anyone help me please!!!

To condense it, because I have to go to school myself, soon, then do just that. Accomplish what you want to, not what other expect you to. Normal is just a label, and no one is truly normal anyhow. Don't think you've heard the last from me...I'll be back!

I believe you and I already talked about when its right to end your life vs when its just fucking stupid.Get off the how to kill myself ideas. They only drag you down into a mire of bullshit and negative thoughts that do nothing to stimulate how to get out of the situation your in and improve your life.

What you've described is not all that unusual, at least I don't think. You've described exactly how my mind works and how I live my life, less the self harm.I live in my mind... I like it there. It's often better than the shittyness out here. As long as you keep your real life moving forward in spite of shit, I don't see anything wrong with retreating to the better places you inhabit in your mind. I don't interact well with other people. I don't like other people in my personal space. I don't like people period.... I don't know it doesn't bother me. If someone ever told me I couldn't live my thousands of lives in my mind, it's then I wouldn't see any point in going on.This is just off the cuff, so don't put a lot of stock in it but I get the impression that you think you should be certain way mentally and if your not that way, your not happy. If that is what you think, I say this with all the kindness and care in my heart, it's bullshit. Be the way your comfortable mentally. Don't think you should be a certain way. We all experience life in our own way so go with what works for you. Don't limit yourself to the constraints of how you think or others think your mind should work. That's just a formula for confusion, frustration and failure and all it'll do is add to your feelings of depression.Like Chance said forget the self harm and self loathing it's counterproductive to everything and just worsens what's at hand, regardless any temporary relief.Allow yourself to be you at least in your mental world for god's sake. I live in my own little world. I like it. I see no reason to change. I do this realizing it doesn't excuse me from pursing my real life, my real life is just something that has to intrude on my dream life every so often.Folks can debate the philosophical implications of this but ya know what, fuck 'em, I'm happy.

I prefer my mind, where no clothes are allowed and the girls are always desperate to take a load.

I only have ideas of dying but I havent been putting much effort to do it yet and I dont think I will try to kill myself. I am often frustrated with my life so much I get the idea to die and I often scream it aloud to release some pent up frustration. But thinking about it gives me some peace and cools my mind a bit. I have people who I care about on this planet and I love them very dearly......I dont wanna hurt them.My frustration comes from many things as I stated above. I am too fast and cant control my speed........I am fast in everything I do that kinda makes me feel bored and left out. My reactions (mental and physical) are very quick and like they are on autopilot or something.......it surprises me more and more when I do something without the knowledge of it. My senses are too sharp for me. My mind works so fast that I am unable to keep up with myself.......thats pathetic. I wish my body could be faster than it is.I keep concentrating on many things at any given time, doing all of them simultaneously and that makes me happy. I trained myself to do this to keep my mind occupied at all times.I donot find any interest or the drive to slow down a bit......I am getting sick of people.......more than I was before. There are very few persons I really like and guess they like me too.I havent been able to keep up with reality for yrs. Reason is very simple ignorance from my parents to some level--the exact level where I want their support--they wouldnt help me or try to say "yes dear go ahead".........all they want is....for me to get married, fuck some guy and make babies--which I totally detest that makes me wanna die. I hate a life like that......I hate babies......I have a phobia of babies--I scream at the sight of one. I dont find them cute never did in my entire life.I told my parents a million times that I wont do what they want me to do........and they start crying cos I said no--its emotional blackmail--I love them a lot and cant see them crying.......it damn hurts and it confuses me more and more.I know where my happiness lies but others dont allow me......they and their stupid customs and rules.......always restrict me and I hate it!

So where is your happiness?

My happiness I guess lies in work (both ideas or practical ones)........I feel happy when I am working........esp: research, doing experiments, gaining as much knowledge as possible by studying whatever I find interesting.I am at peace fooling around with algebra or drawing cartoons or building a dog house or drawing plans for my new home (wanna break down the old one and build a new one) or maybe get a car and pimp it up to my taste.I am not happy sitting around being the doll my parents want me to be.......it sucks and its too boring.

Remember I'm not familiar with the laws where your at and not familiar with your culture either, so I'm gonna ask what's holding you back from pursing at least one of those paths? Further I'll ask for differentiation of what's illegal and what's just culturally forbidden.

Lets just say "girls are for fucking, making babies, cooking and cleaning". My ex bf used to scream when I walked fast or ran.......he thought getting me pregnant would be a danger to his baby due to my activities.The govt is helping women a lot here.......nothing is illegal here. Its just that some poeple dont accept changes.Whats keeping me from pursuing my happiness is 1-finances (dad's gotta pay my fee), 2-I am not eligible to join most of the reputed colleges due to my age, 3-my mom and dad want me married ASAP.Worst part I had saved up some money (from my allowances) and mom checked my accounts and took it all As far as the dog house and other things...........those are what I am busy with and doing right now.

What is your age?Do you think you could find a job somewhere away from your parents? You may have to come to terms with the facts that you'll have to take some scary and difficult steps to get where you want to go. But the fact of the matter is your ultimate happiness may depend on it. The comfortable route isn't worth it if it doesn't lead you down the path you want to be on.

Its 26.My parents dont let me go out without their permission for some serious personal reasons (I dont wanna talk about it on forum). I always have an escort (bodyguard in a sense....lol) with me......its usually one of my cousins or my parents themselves who accompany me or previously my bf. I wont be allowed to stay away from my parents or someone they entrust me to (for babysitting me) even for a single day.I have always been kept under watch since I was a little kid and came to live in the city where I currently live. I am not kept under watch when I go to other cities or countries......I am left free to do as I please even go out alone.

In that case wouldn't moving to one of those places you were allowed to roam by yourself be an option? Moving by yourself that is. Or is that too much?

The other place is "Iran" and its not a safe place to be right now Its an option but I am worried I wont be accepted easily there esp due to cultural difference.I have plans to move to another country (new Zealand or Canada) but its gonna take some time.I tried other cities within my country......I dont like them I wont be allowed to move alone.......if I go I will have to go with someone--my parents or my aunt.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as well. I know how you feel to an extent, especially about the people not understanding what I mean when I talk. It's like I can't put it in a context so they can understand it but I know what I am talking about. I daydream a lot, too. I think that's why I am about to be diagnosed as A.D.D. I think we will do anything to escape "reality", but I have no clue what reality is. I think reality is society-oriented. But that's just me. Anyway I hope you can make it. Just remember that there is someone out there who does care about you even though he doesn't know you. Don't kill yourself. You have too beautiful of a mind.

Originally Posted By: droppydeesI think that's why I am about to be diagnosed as A.D.D.I was said the same thing by a psychologist.......but I refused any therapies he wanted me to go through with. Quote: I think we will do anything to escape "reality", but I have no clue what reality is. I think reality is society-oriented. But that's just me.I always think the same too. Reality means nothing to me but I try to keep in touch with things around. Quote:Just remember that there is someone out there who does care about you even though he doesn't know you. Thanks......I care about you too .......I do remember you from another thread my friend Hope things are fine in your life.

Originally Posted By: SayaIts an option but I am worried I wont be accepted easily there esp due to cultural difference.I have plans to move to another country (new Zealand or Canada) but its gonna take some time.What's it going to take for you to be able to get to one of these places? What are you doing pro-actively to make that happen? You don't need to answer just think about it.

Originally Posted By: OldFolksWhat's it going to take for you to be able to get to one of these places? What are you doing pro-actively to make that happen? You don't need to answer just think about it. I will answer it. First of all I had to make my parents agree and I have been trying on that and as a result they have saved up some money too. I have been talking to people and asking about stuff, collecting info to make it happen and choose a place to go to. If I opt to move to Iran I can do it within a 3-4 months but making a move to other countries will take me a year or more I still have a few projects at hand which are a priority and I may have to divert finances to finish them.......thats whats gonna take most of my time and postpone my move.