Sorry for posting this giant thing, but I've been having a shitty month and I have nobody to talk to...
I guess I'll just start off with the worst of it. I'm gay, but nobody knows it. Now I didn't just find this out this month (obviously, I'm 18) but up until now, I had successfully just learned to have it in the back of my mind and just not let it bother me. But its getting increasingly hard because I have so many opportunities with girls, but I can't bring myself to act on them, although I wish I could just pretend and life would be WAY easier. Anyway, you see, I've always been like, the skater/snowboarder stoner guy that nobody really expects to be gay, I've had 18 years of excellent experience at lying and making up things so my friends have no idea. And plus even if I was gay I'd come across straight because I hate when people are all flaming, that's just not me. I like who I am, I just wish it was alright that I was gay. Its even harder because I was popular in high school (not to sound all like, high on myself or whatever, please don't hate me, I was nice to everyone in high school, so sorry if you were teased or whatever) and so like EVERYONE knows me, even at other schools, and I don't know if I could handle what would happen if everyone found out. Plus, for the first time in my life, I've actually, fell for someone, and I wish I hadn't for him, because I think I'm in love with my best friend. And that's so horrible. First off, he's not gay, Second, he's going out with my other best friend, Third, I'm GAY, he probably would hate me if he knew. The gay thing aside, I don't eat anymore. I'm just not hungry, a glass of orange juice ties me over all day long. And I should be hungry, because 3 hours of skateboarding every afternoon should definitely work up an appetite. My mom and step dad have constantly been on my ass lately, and keep threatening to send me to my dad's to live (Which I'd NEVER do ever, I'd rather live on the street because I haven't seen him in years up until a while ago) and I don't know why, like, I haven't been any different than I normally have, just all of a sudden their just mad at me all the time, and now I dread going home, cause I constantly feel guilty for something I haven't even done. As a result, I've spent a few nights at my best friends (the one I'm in love with) and although he makes me feel better just hanging out with him, when I'm not, I get all insecure and stuff, its really fucked up. And then I think his girlfriend (my other bestfriend) will get mad at him and me because we're always hanging out right, and that im not hanging out with her enough, but I always feel if I hang out with her he'll be upset that I'm not hanging out with him... and it's a mess. Plus, she's always getting mad at me too, and I have no idea why. And then like, my friend I'm in love with (I'll call him Dan) Dan has also been hanging out with or other friend (I'll call him Rob) a lot, and I get jealous, and that's so fucked. Because Rob is another good friend of mine... ARGH. Anyway, me and Dan are planning a trip to Calgary in a month because we've been offered some modeling gigs, and while I'm there I'm thinking about tracking down my birth parents when we're there. (I'm adopted) but I don't know how to bring that up to him or anything, because everytime I want to tell him, I get this aweful feeling in my chest, and I dunno, I just never really talk about it or anything and I don't know how we'd go about it, or how I'd bring it up. And I'd like to talk to my friend Dan about this stuff (just not the gay stuff) I don't know how, because I've never really talked about anything before like that. And its getting me really down because I need to talk to a friend, but he's the closest one that'd I'd trust telling, but I feel so ridiculous when I bring shit up, and plus, other friends are always seeming to have problems, and I don't want to make it look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon or whatever because its "cool" because my problems are real, but I don't want everyone to think I'm making this shit up, because my whole life I've always been the carefree funny stoner friend that doesn't get upset about things. Speaking of stoners, I've been doing way too much weed and its not a good thing, its just my only little escape that makes me feel better and take my mind of off things, I'm just worried I'm getting high too much (like twice a day) not only that, I've slowly been getting into worse drugs, like I've been doing a bit of mush, but that's been putting me in a shittier mood........ oh well. I also got a speeding ticket last night. For 200 dollars. And I can't afford that, as I'm trying to save up for moving out... with non other than my friend Dan lol. Anyway, I'm not sure I'm depressed, although I'm sure I'm on the verge. Things will get better probably. Anyway, sorry I did a giant rant.