And here I am again, haven't posted here in atleast a year.Basically, here's a quick synapse of the past 8 years of my life:Got chubby and overweight starting at age12, struggled through middle school and highschool with it, always teased etc... Never accepted myself for looking so horrid. First semester, ran for an hour everyday and lifted weights, and lost 60lbs in a semester, been going to the gym ever since. Not in the best shape i'd like to be in, but certainly went from overweight to 'in shape'. Took me 7 years of failed attempts however.Now in college(20), have no clue what I want to major in. A quick side note, I did shrooms a few times and since my first trip, I wanted to learn the guitar. And I did. I've been playing for a bout a year now. Have a friend who has been playing for 7 years, and I play everyday for hours to try to get to his level(and one day possibly even better).I really want to start a band with him. He is amazing at guitar, I want to take voice lessons and we have a really good drummer/bass. But they're leaving for a year or two to get their college degree, it seems only I want us to 'be heard'. Yet everyone who hears us just starts dancing like they're back in woodstock.Anyway, I had a lot of old friends who I no longer speak to anymore, it seems we've all grown apart and moved away, or just dont share common interests anymore. 20 and still haven't attracted a female yet. It definitely can't be my physique, I look and feel great now, but it still seems i'm lacking something that everyone else has. I have had this feeling for years now and still can't figure it out.I am highly attracted to this girl I met last year, but she lives quite a distance from me and I wont see her for another 6 months, yet I wont be able to sleep a single night without thinking about her before being able to drift into another dream.Me and a friend were following these other 2 girls for over a year, always drinking with them and other people, always giving rides etc, only to be treated like complete shit in the end and realizing they were never really into us, and took advantage of the fact that we were into them.Ive seen alot of my friends completely fuck their lives up, and most of them are younger then I. And i'm only 20.Have you ever seen the documentary "The Secret Law of Attaction"? I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who feels they are in the same boat as me. It just feels that for every question I finally answer, more questions arise. I guess in the end that's life, but it seems my questions have already been answered by most people I know.I have no clue where I want to live or what I want to major in. I have no clue where and when i'll find new friends, since most of my friends have downgraded to meer acquaintances.Where do I belong? All I know is that I want to play guitar and be able to tell my story. Deep down inside I know that everything happens for reason. The reason I am not attracting any girls where I live, is because there's someone a thousand times better somewhere else. Yet I have no clue where to look.My old friends dont hangout with me anymore. Yet I feel the universe is telling me to move on. Yet I don't know what to move onto.Most people my age here are all fake, listen to fake music, and put on makeup to make themselves be even more fake. When did being yourself go out of style?It feels like I am going crazy... yet I know I am not. Music is my deep down desire. I want to pursue it. But it will take years. But I know it will be worth it in the end. I can't fail.But seriously... what the hell is wrong with me? All the signs are telling me to go somewhere else and follow my dreams, and I will eventually get out of this damned place. But seriously... i've had more lonely nights then I can remember. I thought things would get better when I got in shape and started feeling better about myself. And it did for awhile... but now I have a new problem: my destiny, and what the universe is trying to tell me.Where the hell do I begin? Where do I fit in again?
Where do I belong?...
I hate to tell you this but some of us will never know where we belong or exactly what it is we're supposed to be. I'm 35 and still haven't figured it out. It's frustrating sometimes but as I have gotten older it has mattered less and less.
My own advice is to quit trying to find a place to fit in. Just be who you are and let... I don't know. People expect you to act and be a certain way before they accept you, fully. But being something other than what you are, even if you don't know what that is, never works. It's wasted energy that only leads to more frustration and in the end your no better adjusted or closer to knowing who you are.
If music is what you want to pursue then pursue it. Have a back up plan though. Better yet find a way to pursue that it produces a reliable income from. Work toward opening a coffee house that stocks books and old, classic and obscure vinyl. Put in a stage have live performances some nights throughout the week. Stay in bohemian areas or college towns and cater to that audience. You get to work around the field of what you love and provide your own venue for when you want to play. Keep it artsy. Do something like that.
There is no punishment. There is no reward. There are only consequences.