I don't know where to begin but I have a terrible problem. I finding all of my attractions to be towards men. I am extremely frustrated because I used to like girls genuinely. Since I was a little kid and before I even knew what "gay" was I liked girls and wanted to have a girlfriend. I remember getting erections from seeing Disney "princesses" when I was little and not knowing why.
My teen years were terrible. I was socially awkward, always by myself, girls ignored me. There were girls I liked but I never knew how to approach them. Sometimes there would be a girl I was attracted to a lot and then I'd gradually watch as she'd just flirt with some alpha male and I'd get more and more depressed as I eventually knew the two were having sex and I was still a miserable, lonely, virgin. Even if I got the courage to ask a girl out, they never said yes. I wasn't ugly but I was convinced I had something physically wrong with me. I was bullied and alienated all the time. I had extremely low self-esteem.
I spent this time masturbating several times a day to pornography. Jenna Jameson was the first pornstar I became familiar with probably around age 15 and from then on out I got really into porn and jacking off. My arousal was completely from the women on the screen and I thought if I would never be with a woman this was good enough. In my later teen years though I'd occasionally get a gay thought that would occur just before orgasm when I was jerking off. I just kind of ignored it then.
This later progressed though to looking at gay porn, talking to gay guys online, masturbating anally, phone sex, and even sending pictures to guys. After I ejaculated from these thoughts I immediately crashed and felt disgusted with myself and dirty. I still did these things though like a pathetic heroin addict. There was a guy I talked on an off with for about 6 months. One night I had just convinced myself no girl would ever want me so I might as well enjoy myself with a guy. I met up with him and he had sex with me with me on the bottom, it was wonderful sex and it felt so good but after I cummed I felt disgusted and excused myself to leave. I talked with him online for another year but whenever we made plans to do it again I just stood him up, on purpose just to make him not want me.
After this act I felt so dirty and disgusting. I thought that only by having sex with a girl I could "reverse the gayness," however irrational that may me I thought it would at least give me piece of mind. The girl I was with did give me an erection. After kissing and touching I would get hard enough to penetrate. I've had 5 female sexual partners in my life, never any girlfriends. The last girl I was with, I couldn't even get an erection and just chalked it up to being drunk.
I am a mess now. I don't want to be gay. Since the time I had sex with a guy, I never again did anything with another male. For a while though I looked at both gay and straight porn and masturbated anally, now I resolved not to ever put anything in my ass again or look at homosexual material, so far I have abstained for about 6 months and it's been 3 years since the sex incident with the guy. I think of it like an alcoholic says they've been sober for x amount of time.
I don't know if that all makes me gay or bi but I always thought I had been attracted to girls. I did genuinely get erections thinking about girls but lately I can't. Thinking about gay sex instantly gets me hard. When I tried to have sex with a girl, my penis got smaller than it's default size.. is that even possible? I guess being bi is not as big of a deal. I don't see it as a fail like being gay, at least I can just choose to do girls. Also if you're in Europe people it seems more popular than being straight.
I want to be a successful man. I want a wife and a family and I need to get over this in order to do it. I do not believe homosexuality is 100% genetic, there has to be environmental influence as well. I feel that because of my low self esteem and rejection by women, my sexuality started drifting towards what was more familiar. If that's the case then I should be able to change it.
Either way, I refuse to accept the "hand that was dealt." I would rather slit the dealers throat, kill the other players at the card table, and steal their cards to build myself a royal flush. If I have to, I guess I will just kill myself. I cannot picture myself living as a homosexual. The idea of having a boyfriend or "partner" makes me sick to my stomach.
I expect to be flamed, criticized, and called a "coward" by open homosexuals on this forum but seriously "fuck you" if you feel that way about me. I don't care how you live and I'll give you all the support you want but I want to live as a heterosexual and I want help and advice to do that. I think I still am at least a little attracted to girls and maybe I can build on that?
I'm an atheist and hate god so I guess the conversion therapy wouldn't work. It all seems like Christian bullshit to me anyways, but please someone help me. I don't want to kill myself over this but it's destroying me.