Depression, many questions...

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So, Ill try to explain and be as brief as possiable... Guess I find myself posting here to get the opinion of random people who dont know me, I can let all of my skeletons out, and see what happens.... Let me appolgize for this in advance....To start off, I have never told, in my late 20years of life, anybody who wasnt involved with this, this.... Its to the point now where its plagueing my mind so hard, I cant imagine where I will end up in life, and I can never find myself letting go of the past to move on...Thins I longed for in my youth no longer matter to me, Im just affraid my past may prevent me from being able to experience of a child and a loving life partner... No woman would want me given my past....When I was 17, I was really intoxicated which lead to a fist fight with a so called friend of mine. I lost all self control one has... This kid suffered massive head tramua and is now in a wheel chair.... Which I didnt know at the time it was that bad... Later in the night, His friends retailated, with weapons,a baseball bat, and 5 of them held me down and knocked some of my teeth loose, in my enbriated state, I pushed them out with my tounge.... so I could continue fighting.... this happened many many years ago.. After this, I kinda clamed up into a ball for about 4-5years, stoped all contact with every one of my friends, and pretty much never left the house....After tens of thousands of dollars in dental surgery, I find myself, with false teeth and Im not even 30 yet..... I try to tell myself to let it go, but I cannot... Everytime I try to smile, it kills me a little bit more inside, and Its to a point now where I dunno if I can take another look at myself in the mirror.....I did however managed to find a girlfriend after a few years, which I in turn find out was just used for sex to get back at her boyfriend, and during the midist of all that, she gave me HPV and clymidia..... Thanks I guess.... to compound everyting, I have no health insurance, well, havent had any untill a week ago to get myself checked out, and Im worried of what may result from many years of no doctor visits....I also had a few other encounters of the above, being used, then repeaing the consequences I wasnt aware of...Fast forward some, Had some major life changes.... and I find myself "talking" to another woman, who, I have a spark with I have never felt in my life... We talk alot and have agreed to not have sex, atleast for the time being...So, that about sums it up for the most part.... I find myself stressing weither I need to express these details of my former life before it goes any further, feelings wise or see if I can be loved for the person I am today? Am I wrong to just try and live and see what happens or will I be plagued with having to devulge details of my life to a potential mate before we even have a chance to really be a couple.... explore what might be.... How do you devulge such intimate details without fear? How do you let go of a tramatic past so that you can live the only life you have, without such toughts??I also suffer from thoughts of being alone, like whats left of my family for my entire life and I think, well I know, I cannot live that way... being alone...( Side note, I have never felt true love in my life, nor had somebody who actually cared for me as a partner would)Anyway, Thanks alot for reading, Would love any insight people may have....Last thing, Im posting this here because, just the thoughts of all things above plus some combined create a major depression cloud thats hard to let go... SOmetimes I wonder, people do accept me now, but I find myself dooming myself to suffer and not allow me to move forward..., I will not let myself be loved or hurt and thats the really troublesome partThanks for letting me vent this again, I do feel somewhat better, amazingly

Welcome to A2A, Lostone.I don't think there are hard-and-fast rules about whether to bring up the past with a partner, but in this case, where I think it hangs much more heavily on you than it would on someone else, I believe you should. It would be good therapy to discover that your past does not prevent women from wanting you.

Hey thanks for the welcome and reply!I fear rejection so much.... More then words can ever decribe... We have been taking for about 2-3 months, but only dating a few days out of the month...Im so worried of her reaction, of something I have no control over anymore, and which Im forced to live with fo the next 60 years....I will consider your advice, but I do not think I can at this point in time... I need to find out how I can deal with it 1st I guess before I can ever expect somebody to accept the "shot to the head" of hey we gotta talk talks...Just over-whelming sometimes ya know...

"Sometimes I wonder, people do accept me now, but I find myself dooming myself to suffer and not allow me to move forward..., I will not let myself be loved or hurt and thats the really troublesome part"
I wonder the same thing. Until Shannon I hated the word love and denied the shit out of it. I got it so bad for this girl.. She's got my balls in her hand. It's (it =love) so bad I go buy her friggin tampons. Cry when she does cus I can't make her stop. We are the last voice we hear at night. Every night the first to go to bed calls the other and we say good night. Sometimes it; just that and sometimes it turns into a conversation. We have even fell asleep on the phone. (our mom's want let us forget that) As much as I love her when I'm depressed I can't help but question her real feelings. When it come down to it - I'm scared of her hurting me. I know I wont be able to handle it.

She knows about my traumatic past. No matter what anyone says a traumatic past does have to do with the present. It can't just be gotten over - that's why it's called traumatic. She's learn to read me pretty well. She can tell when a fun expression turns into a worried scared one. She's seen me do things I don't remember doing. She's learned how to try to get me back into reality. She's vary patient when I go into freak out mod.

Unlike you and her, Shannon and I have a past. We started dating as we were turning 15. I had a bad dirt bike wreak and was put to bed for about a month the motor also burned a big place on my leg. I still have a circler looking scar. I avoid looking at it as much as I can but even she remembers it. We used to (and still do) lay in bed holding hands.. (but now I just hold her).. She remembers the bitch trying to make her leave to change my leg bandage and she remembers me holding her hand tight. I wouldn't; ask her to stay but I wouldn't let go. At first she would go when Casey asked her too but I asked her one time not to go and that when she stayed. I paid for it after she went home but.. Even now when we talk about some of the things she'll say comments like even then I felt something wired about her.

your past does not prevent women from wanting you.
He's right and he reminds me of that a lot, specially when I dought her love for me...

Because our situations are different I dk when you should tell her. I don't think you should think- I have to tell her tonight or a month form now.. I think you should let it out when it wants to come out. My therapist tells me that. I can't tell you how many times a silent moment or watching some tv has turned into to me talking to Shannon about my past.

Like to add...

But Don't know how to start it off...

Once your comfortable with each other , she might tell you of her past. I never asked for it but one time as we were talking about some of my shit she let me into some things I didn't know about her. She broke up with me the summer after I moved and tried slitting my wrists. We were 15. From 03 till nov of 05. We were apart for a few years and only saw each other a few times a year at a horse show. During those years I had been threw two girlfriends. She dated no one., But went on a few dates. She said she always found something wrong. She told me all that was wrong was they weren't me. And she told me that on one date he tried to date rape her. She said she got away and ran - that it scared her so much she wouldn't say yes to another guy. She told me the fear she felt then was probably nothing compared to what I feel. I wouldn't have known that if she hadn't opened up to me. She didn't have too. I don't know if it helps her with her being so understanding or not.. I dk.. We had been dating for near 4 years when she told me this.

I stand behind what CR said, speak about it when it comes naturally. Don't try to force it or do the, "we need to have a talk thing." Given the short time you all have been together it's not something that needs to be brought up at this time anyway, ...I don't think. It's never a good idea to dump all your trash on a new boyfriend/girlfriend all at once, it screams "issues." In time, let them root threw your trash on their own and while they are down there you can point to some of the more foul pieces without alarming them.

Thanks a lot guys. Just having somebody give me honest thoughts about something I fear is really, how to say..... A stress re-leaver.

Ya know, adults always told me to listen to them when I was younger... Im like yea right, Im "grown"....

I see now, they were absolutely right... The phrase "if I would have known then what I know now" really fits...

Thank you very much again.