Lately.. more and more, I've had a rage towards my parents.. I've never gotten along with them.. They have always commented anything I'm interested in was "weird" or "abnormal".However, something I've begun to think about more and more lately.. is how growing up, they would always make a big deal about grades.. Lately I've come to realize it wasn't that I wasn't learning that bothered them.. it really was just that I didn't have good grades.. At any rate.. my failure to make good grades meant I received a million lectures on an almost daily basis reminding me how "if you don't make grades your going to end up digging ditches!" and other things which equated to their loving way of saying "your completely worthless!"I don't remember when I originally found out.. but, later on my parents actually told me I was dyslexic.. something I had completely dismissed as irrelevant at the time. I was 18 or older when I found out, and I had just assumed if I hadn't had any problems till then, it most likely wasn't a problem.It wasn't until I dated my now ex girlfriend and realized just how many communicatonial problems and well how flat out dyslexic I am that I really began to think about the situation. My parents had never told me I'm dyslexic because, they didn't want me to use it as a "crutch" which is actually a decision I understand and respect.What I do not respect however, is the fact that while knowing I had academic problems, after like first grade.. they never made any effort to get me extra help. For a breif time in 6th grade I had math help but, that was only for a few months and nothing long term.My entire life I was held accountable to making good grades which were clearly beyond my reach without help, and they made no effort to get me the needed help. Everything I did was subject to major criticism. I was always told I was wasting my time playing video games and getting nothing productive done. When I tried to do my homework, I usually ended up giving up on it relatively quickly because, I couldn't pay attention and focus on it long enough to really get anything done..I think some of this would be more forgive able if my parents had ever spent any time actually being around me or my brothers.. But, aside from random lectures about why what we are doing is worthless.. whatever it may have been at the time.. Or randomly being told our interest are a waste of time and worthless. Perhaps if my parents would have been actually interested in our lives.. they may have caught some of the issues I have and actually tried to do something about it.I will never forget their hypocrisy either.. One day my mother yelling at me over how embarrassed she was I made an F.. then turning around to call her friend and tell her I made an F on the report card..The irony now.. is if I ever try to explain it.. people usually end up totally unsympathetic which really makes me wonder if perhaps they just don't understand the situation or perhaps they just don't care because, it isn't them that it happened to..I mean.. it wasn't until I moved out that I really even came to realize a lot of this.. It kinda sucks I've had to move back in with them however, it is a bit awkward because, even some of my friends seem to waiver on the topic.. One day they will be completely understanding and sympathetic.. another day, they will tell me the past is the past and I need to just forgive and forget..I really don't know anymore.. But, I will say this.. I am sick of people acting like I should completely ignore it and let go of it because it is in the past. I still ahve problems in school, and I always accept full responsibility for my screw ups that I've made however, in a lot of ways me accepting full responsibility is a bit unfair to myself.. I've had a huge disadvantage all through school that was never even addressed so now, I'm having to struggle to make up for material I never learned or never learned as well as I should have in previous classes..when I get my grades.. I accept that I am 100% responsible for them.. and I never blame my parents for my bad grades.. however, the fact that my parents are never going to have to accept responsibility for the mistakes they made annoys me as well.. My friends tend to just blow off any points I make about my parents putting me in a position to fail..I hate that no one wants to give my parents any credit for my poor academic performance.. If a kids parents broke their sons leg and the kid lost a race because, he wasn't able to practice for half a year.. there would be no issue blaming the the parents..So why does everyone over look the fact that I was in a few ways academically crippled...
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Hate my parents.
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There are no tests that anyone has to pass to become a parent, and some parents are certainly unsuitable for the job, and can cause a lot of damage. And even more normal parents can make bad mistakes, either because they were brought up some particular bad way and think it's proper; or because they were brought up some particular way and hated it, and in over-reaction they go too far in the other direction. Perhaps your parents were brought up over-strictly, with no allowance for weakness, all criticism and no encouragement, and think that is proper parenting; or perhaps they felt their upbringing was too lax and indulgent, and reacted against it excessively.However there is no effective way to hold parents accountable for bad parenting. It's not something you can forget, either, as the pain is too frequent; to forgive is important, but difficult.As a society we have raised school grades onto a pedestal it does not deserve. Many of the world's greatest achievers had poor grades or did not complete school. School grades only measure how good you are at academic school stuff, and there is far more to life. Unfortunately, because school grades are held in over-esteem, not having good ones has now become an undeserved handicap in itself.How well established is that diagnosis of dyslexia, BTW? There is nothing in your writing that suggests it.
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I honestly can't answer how well established it was.I do know as much as my mom can be a bitch, it isn't something she would lie about.And to be honest, I actually while at work one night had a couple notice it.. I for the life of me couldn't get my numbers right I kept confusing a 6 and a 9 and they actually randomly asked me "so got dyslexia?" and then proceeded to tell me their daughter does the exact same thing especially when she gets tireder. My ex girlfriend noticed it enough for her to badger me and say that I need to get help or find out if there is anything that can be done about it. As to my writing, I have been using forums for over 10 years, I can write well enough for casual forums or to satisfy a teacher so long as they aren't harping on punctuation or grammar.. however, math really tends to taunt me lately.I don't know if someone with severe dyslexia would ever adapt to typing regardless of how much time given but, I must confess I've spent the better part of my life behind a keyboard. Hell, even now as I go over my writing quite a bit I usually notice it almost instantly but, I have to actively pay attention for that red line..So if anything, I might attribute spell check and years upon years of forum/chat usage to minimal effect on my writing.
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I would say that now you've realized everything and now your old enough to have control over your life and the decisions you make. Think of tomorrow as a fresh start and whatever wrong your parents did is bundled together in the past. The present and the future can be yours, or you can at least fight hard to make it so. There is a wealth of knowledge on the internet that can point you to the help you need to conquer dyslexia.
Try not to focus on forgiving your parents. You will know when it's time to let go and forgive. That's what happened to me. I struggled with it and then one day this message came to me. It was that I can't go back, that my father is old and has lived his life. Any hope that I had of him being someone is not possible because of that. I had to accept that he was never going to be the person that I wanted him to be.
Honestly, it's too late now. You can't go back and neither you nor your parents can undo what was done. No matter how hard you want them to accept and acknowledge what was done, they are their own person (have their faults/imperfections) so you have to also accept that they may never 'get it'. They may never be wonderful parents to this happy ending that will one day try to do right by you.
So when the time is right, forgiveness will come and it won't matter whether they acknowledge and apologize or not.