I feel not good

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A few years ago when I was still going to high school everything was totally different. It was a totally different kind of life.
But then everything progressively got worse. Back then I was already afraid of diseases and shit like that but so far I was healthy or at least I had not yet any symptoms. And then I went to university and made some mistakes and also bad decisions because I thought that what I was studying wasn't the best for me and that there might be better things and then I ended up studying shit which is much worse than what I studied before. I really pretty much messed it all up. I totally hate what I am doing and it's also pretty worthless. Even if I finish this shit then I don't know what to do with it. I simply feel so useless. There is nothing which I am really good at or where I feel like I am better than others and I am also not interested in many things. I also have no broad knowledge of things cause I am not interested in much. I also don't follow the news. It simply does not interest me. I do not have this crawing for knowledge and becoming intellectual. I despise this shit cause it's so pointless. There are people who define themselves over their job or how much they know but I'm not like that.
But I really ask myself how am I supposed to make it in life? Where am I supposed to work and as what shall I work? Everything really seems totally dark to me. I think if I had had a vision years ago about where I'd be today I don't think I could have taken it. Today I only have stress and worry about graduating and have this really huge pressure and feel like I'm standing before an abyss and either I make it and graduate and then get a job or otherwise my whole life will be over because there's nothing else I could do or study it's simply too late for that now.
And my health is also very bad. I have a few things which are basically incurable which all depress me and which I also cannot ignore because of the symptoms which are always present. And then I also worry about my family cause my parents are also not in good shape. I feel like everything is simply a ticking timebomb. I've become cynical and often ask myself why am I even doing this shit why do I even get up in the morning? I despise everything which I have to do. It's so ridiculous somehow because I have so much pressure because of studying and at the same time compared to my health problem this is once again a rather small problem in my hierarchy of problems. I also started drinking (beer and wine) 2 years ago during a time where I had insane pressure because of a damn paper I had to write which I had to work on for months and it were months of agony and suffering always between hope and fear of not making it and felt like losing my mind which also isn't good.
I don't think that I can do much about my situation. I'm already depressed and not without reason and I'm not one of those people who are into real deep shit and still they are positive. I am not like that I can't simply be like that. This whole positive thinking crap doesn't appeal to me.
I feel really sorry for myself. I feel like I messed it all up and needed to apologize to my former self for creating such a mess even though I can't do anything about my health problems. They weren't caused by anything I did wrong.

You can do something about your problems. The first thing o be treated is your anxiety issues, which are preventing you from enjoying life and from taking control. They are treatable, and once dealt with you can start living again.

This is not about anxiety his is about realities! Do you think popping a pill changes anything about my situations!? I am depressed because I have so many reasons to be depressed in fact not being depressed would be strange in my situation. I live only for things which I hate there is nothing which I enjoy or look forward to.

Reality is important, but how we react to reality depends on how we perceive it, and this is not fixed. When depressed, for example, our perceptions of reality are skewed, so that bad things seem to fill space and time and be the norm, while good things are minimised and considered as feeble ephemeral exceptions. But this is a false perception.I think your perceptions are skewed by anxiety problems. You assess tiny risks as unacceptably large, which stops you living as you want to - this is disabling, since all life involves taking risks. You also live with a lot of fear about not being good enough, or about small problems, so you have a lot of distress. Even if the underlying issues can't be fixed (and sometimes a more positive attitude does allow them to be fixed), a lot of the way they impact your life comes from an unnecessarily anxious attitude to them.

Quote:And then I also worry about my family cause my parents are also not in good shape. I feel like everything is simply a ticking timebomb. I've become cynical and often ask myself why am I even doing this shit why do I even get up in the morning? I am going through this too. I feel like hell.

This is not about anxieties. I think my perception is pretty realistic. How can I be happy when everything sucks? Nobody can be happy when he has shitloads of pressure and has to do crap which he hates and also feels like he ruined his life. Not to forget the bad health. Everybody wants to do something meaningful and learn something which is worth something and what I do is worthless shit. It's like studying philosophy or other useless crap which you can't use in real life. Every baker, farmer, engineer, butcher, mechanic, lawyer, doctor, teacher, personal trainer, musician has something he can apply and use for his benefit but not me I study senseless, boring, disgusting, worthless CRAP!

I wana know two things, it's ok if you don't wana say anything.1. What's wrong with your health? 2. What are you studying?If you don't like what you are studying then you can always quit and start studying what you like. If you have any talents or skills like painting or baking, then you are free to follow your heart and be an artist or baker. You still have a chance to make a change and do what you like. If you are not happy about something, drop it and pick something that makes you feel better. Don't do things you hate just for the heck of it and feel sad and pressured. You are free to do as you like.

You got a PM, saya.What's wrong with my health? A lot of things. Some of them have clear names but other things can't be really given a name but I just sense that something's wrong. For example I often have pain in joints and the doctors can't find anything or I'm also really weak and feel feeble kinda like Mr.Burns. I think the low male hormones could play a role in this. Then I also have the ocd crap which I have been having since childhood which is most likely an imbalance. A few years ago I also started getting floaters which get worse over the time and already now it's totally depressing and I stay at home as much as possible. Having to leave the house during summer when it's bright outside is totally depressing. And a few years ago I went to a dermatologist in a clinic because all over my back and chest I have white elevated dots on the skin which could be confused with clogged pores but he said they are a rare form of fibromas. Later at home I googled the name of those fibromas and they are linked to a rare genetic syndrome. I read the symptoms of this syndrome and it totally fits to me. I have those fibromas exactly in those areas of the body where people which have this syndrome also get them and this syndrome seems to be very rare. I don't understand why I have so much crap all at once. I've already been worried about my health before I got any of this and after more and more stuff showed up I got even more worried and had even less confidence in myself.

No one has the "perfect" life, but i'm guessing that u are still relative young? It is NEVER too late to change things around, especially with your studies. I understand that u have health problems, so do I, and I, like you, have to deal with these health issues 24/7. Its important to know tonym that depression is a disease and i think its very important that u talk to someone (friend, family,doctor). You do have time on your side. As others have said, it is YOU that has got to make the turnaround. It IS possible and once you start doing things u enjoy, the confidence in urself will come back. Taking that first step is always the hardest, but never feel alone. As i said, i too have health issues that can dampen my spirits quite often, but i get myself together and do things that I enjoy and hang around poeple i enjoy being with. I do what i can, while i can.

The 1st thing u need to do is speak to ur doctor. The next thing is to talk to ur parents about ur studies. If u want to chat some more feel free to PM me. I WILL certainly reply.

Hi, my GP is totally against antidepressants and stuff. Asking him would not help very much and I am also not a fan of taking chemical substances which mess with my brain. If somebody has a lot of problems and is depressed because of that then is simply popping a pill to become number to the problems really a solution? I really have a lot of reasons to be depressed it's not just me and my problems but also family problems. I could write a lot of depressing stuff only about family issues. I also have no things I enjoy. I enjoy working out but I also cannot do this anymore because of my health.

I cant work out either because of my health issues as well. If u want to go into more detail about ur problems feel free to PM me dude. I hope i can help u a bit.

If it makes someone who is depressed feel better and more in control and able to do things, why not? When something is wrong with the brain chemistry, modifying it seems sensible to me.

Yes but I am worried of side effects and also don't trust those companies. I read that many of the people who were involved in massacres like Littleton were on antidepressants. I don't want to lose control over myself because of such a drug.