Watching her smile, everytime makes my day. I wanted her to be happy and in the end of the day, i always have a smile on my face. We were something that was not meant to last forever, but i had a wonderfull time, a time i would never forget. It has been more than 4 years now and there doesn't go a single day when i don't miss her, her smile, her laugh, everything, as if it was stuck in my head. Seeing her with her new boyfriend, i sometimes wonder, why did our relationship not work out ? I thought about this a lot for the past 4 years, we dated only for 8 months but those special 8 months meant a lot to me but i finally realized why it didn't work out. I was always too selfish, wanted everything my way, i lied to her every now and then, lied to her, by saying i loved her while i did not at the moment, i was not able to keep her happy and we usually fought because of me. Even when she broke up with me, i tried everything to talk to her, just to let her know that i finally began loving her and this happened to me for the first time. After a month she started dating again, met this guy and she is with him till this date. I am not jealous, i am acutally really happy for her, all i wanted was her to be happy but the thing that bothers me every now and then is, i was never able to tell her that i really loved her and if i had the power, i would had sacrifised my happiness, just to see her happy forever.
Days passed by, then months and years, i was always unhappy for a reason, yeah i missed her a lot, never wanted to date again, but slowly and slowly i got over her but i knew for sure, she always will have a place in my heart and i just need to move on as she was and is happy, and it's all i ever wanted. I finally met someone but before i describe what happened between me and her, i think i have to be honest. I been told i am an attractive looking guy, i have a good network and many friends, both males and females. So this girl i met, was actually a model, i really thought she was a sweet kind of a girl, as my parents knew her parents but something happened, we shared a kiss but then she breaks it up for me that she was already seeing someone else, someone who had money, a car and was also quite known. And i immediately knew what kind of a girl i am dealing with. It left me at a place where i just had been going through. I was heart broken again. It really hurt and i almost gave up on dating, there was something wrong with me but i lost that self confidence that i used to have ages ago.
A year passed by and thing were not going good at the love section, i was never able to speak to a girl, i was never confident about my looks, about what ever i had to say to them and this had to happened while i had to start college. I fitted in pretty well, i knew many from college, i had a good network over there, met many girls and guys and was socially active a lot. I wasn't looking for something serious but it had to happen, a girl whom i barely even noticed was about to change my World in just 3 months...
She is not a girl, i would describe as hot or sexy. She is pretty though but has not the perfect number 10 figure. But what was it that caught my eye ? It was her personality, her charm, she had this spark and i am so glad to notice it that day, sitting in class, watching her smile and just glanced at her sky blue eyes, i was curious to find out who was she.
We barely spoke back then, i mean never spoke, i kept my distance, she was something i had to find out about, i wasn't even sure what was happening to me, but i just could not stop thinking about her. I remember at our intro college trip, where me and her had this gaze for like 3 seconds, and all that night she was in my head. Going to the bar afterwards another girl, offers to buy me a drink and i eventually got drink from one drink to the next and so on. She grabbed my hand and was planning to take me to her house as she was also a student and we were all at the same intro trip. As soon as we got there, she opened the door, and i just said ' I am sorry but i can't do this ' I don't even know why i said this to her but i did, because i just could not stop thinking about her, i ran as fast as i could back to the bar, just to see if she was there or not. Our intro trip ended and we got back home, and i was sure, i had to speak with her because i was having these thoughts about her.
So at our college party, i finally bought her a drink, and we started talking but something wasn't right, even though we had this eye contact present but the vibe was so negative, i just don't know why. Days to come, i noticed her watching me every now and then, looking at me as i used to come in class, when i used to go to the toilet and come back, during class and i caught her many times and she all of a sudeden acted upon it but sometimes we just looked for a second and then do what ever we were doing. I knew the signals were right, and i had to find out, so i confronted our common friend told her in a way that she looks at me all the time does she like me ? Our common friend tells me that she had a boyfriend for over 3 and a half years and just started a long distance relationship with him in August. This really broke my heart, i was so heartbroken and nervous at the same time, i just responded, just tell her i don't like her and she is not my type. And she was told about this...
I started to move on after some days, and started hanging around my new college friends which were her friends as well. By this we got even closer and i always had this feeling that she would break it up with her boyfriend at some point, i don't know why and it did happen but i would describe the mixed signals i received from her during this period of moving on. As i said we barely spoke, but eventually as i had a good network, i always looked up for my class to have a good time, so we went to bar and went to concerts and games. And she always came along. We always had fun, but she would never joke around me or start a conversation with me or do the same things as she did with my friends. I always wondered, if i am a friend of hers why would she not do things the same way, why act soo different with me ? I never knew but, she always was the one, to text me or call me whenever we went out to drink because i always got lost, and drunk, and she texted me all the time, saying where are you or called me. No one else was bothered but always her, she always had to do this and then sitting in the train, all of a sudden she looks at me and i look at her and we had th longest gaze ever known to mankind, and i thought to myself, i would never believe if she never felt a thing because it was so real. She would lean infront, just to see if i got off the train or not. I mean i was getting all the mixed signals and she never knew i was being hurt inside because of her relationship with her boyfriend at that moment. But things changed, i found out that she broke it off with him for some reason. And things start to become really crazy from here onwards...
I almost had a tear of joy when i heard about this, i knew i am back in plan, i could wait and give her some time and i had to act upon if i already was friend zoned or was not and how to take things from there. I knew 2 months would be good enough to be able to ask her out for a dinner. But things were not the same as before, she some how used to avoid my messages i texted her, even though i knew she saw them as we both had iPhones and used the system iMessage. She sometimes ignored me for some reason, as there were rumours about me and her going on every time. I never cared and i knew i had to act well in order to ask her out, so at our college party again which happened last friday, i wanted to talk with her and flirt a bit to see how things were going, as soon as i approached the bar, i look to my right and there she was kissing another guy. A guy i actually know, and to me he is nothing, i just said in my head, seriously this guy ? I was already drunk, i called her out side and i thought it's now or never and i told her, that i like her which was not even a part of my plan. She never said a word, she had this smile on her face, held my hand but i shook it off as i was in pain to watch her do that. I just left the scene. Found out yesterday that after i told her what i felt like, she went and hooked up with another guy...
I actually texted her the same day, saying that this was not my part of the plan, i would had asked her out in some months and not while drunk and all and she just replied, ' You don't have to worry about it. And things won't be awkward between us, if we both don't make it. And we can still be friends ' I replied her saying that i am sorry but now i look at you, as more than a friend and i think its for the best that we stopped talking. I even told her whatever i said, felt right and i don't like to live in regrets, i never forced you in anyway, never made a move on you, always acted like a gentleman. She never replied to my text. Next day at campus, we both ignored each other, while i didn't wanted to, she acted as if nothing ever happened.
Yesterday i found out from a friend, that she didn't think of me as the same way i do, and that i was a No from her point of view but she never said that to me. And my friend tells me that because she cares and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Now we had been ignoring each other for the past 7 days and she never had the courage to tell me this but told a friend about this, not only him, turns out, half of the college knows about it. Now the problem is, that she is talking about me in a way, that a guy like me asked her out and she is all happy as if nothing ever happened because there was nothing at all to begin with. It is really breaking me apart, i am ignoring her and will continue to do so, it's not because she rejected me but i told her to be honest and mature about it and she could had told me whatever she felt like, but she told everyone, people whom she never even speaks with. And it is really destroying my image, self esteem and confidence level. I would had given anything i own in this World to had known her better but look how things turn out to be, she breaks me, and acts as if nothing happened and i know its true but i failed to understand it from the start and i fell for her. Not saying that if she doesn't feel anything for me now, maybe in the future she will, but i don't even know if ignoring her and not saying hey or bye to her will be the correct way but i have to do it, i don't want to talk to her as this will land me back in the friend zone and i will just be forgotten... Please people let me know what should i do ? Why is she acting this way... :frowning: