@idklmaolol HI! Welcome to A2A.
As Readytogo mentioned, I believe that having those kinds of feelings is all part of growing up and becoming who you are. I also can totally relate to growing up in a small town. My family is from a very, very small farming town. coming out and saying you're actually gay would make it super difficult on you and your family. They would get just as much crap as you would from everyone talking in town about your business. I get that.
I knew from a very young age that I was different. Times have really changed since I was that young. We didn't have the internet, YouTube, snap-chat, or anything remotely close to what you have access to. When I was growing up, you learned about sex from your friends, your big brother and steeling your dad's dirty magazines and reading them with your buddies behind the back pasture corn crib while drinking beer. When I was a teenager, it seemed all my friends were saying they had sex with a few girls, but I was never that lucky. I did get to jack off a few times with some of my close buddies up in the hayloft or after skinning dipping, but I alway knew I was different. My friends loved talking about tits and ass. Sure the girls looks good, they were fun to hang out with and dance with but they didn't get me excited or hard.. I played baseball and wrestled in school. I begin to realize when my friends would talk about girls and say "Shit have you seen Kathleen today? Damn she looks so good. I would love to see her naked!" I would think to myself, she's no big deal.... But them I would see one of the guys in the locker room and think. Wow! He's got a nice butt! I wish I had one like that... I realized I was becoming more attracted to men than women. Long story short, coz I'm rambling. I didn't come out to my friends and family until I was 25. I fought it and tried to be the straight man I hoped and wished I was, but I hurt so many people over that time for not being true to them or myself....
My advise is don't worry about it. You will be who you will be and you can't change that. But don't add stress to your life trying to figure it out now. there's no need for the added stress. Soon much is going to change in the next 5 years you'll look back and not even recognize who you were when you were 15, so just enjoy growing up and understanding your feelings, you're heart and you'll grow up just fine. A lot of guys look at porn like you do because you can relate to what a man looks like and you are identifying with that. It doesn't make you gay. Being gay means your physically and emotionally attracted to the same sex.... Just because you look at gay porn, to jack off with your friends or touch some dick. It doesn't make you gay. It just falls under experimenting and finding what works for you!
Hang in there buddy. If you need to talk, we're here. Think before you do something so you Don't give the town people something to talk about.
