Being gay but liking straight men...help plez

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I'm extremely obsessed with this guy at my school but he's straight and I know he'll never love me like I do him. I'm gay (obviously) and I haven't come out yet so even if he turned out gay I still wouldnt be able to do anything. I'm also really ugly and he is like an angel so that makes it even worse. I always find myself thinking about him no matter where I'm at or what im doing, everything I do is centered around him. I seem so diminutive and horrible compared to him so I try extremely hard at things in order to feel good enough and in hopes that he will notice me. I try extremely hard at school and I'm one of the best in my grade but no one really cares or knows that I even exist. Every minute that passes is my brain yelling at me to try harder, it's horrible. I'm already trying so hard that I dont even have any free time anymore. My schedule for the past year has always been get home, work on hw till extremely late and then sleep and repeat. I barely have a social life or a life in general. I also have depression, if you hadnt figured that out by now and sometimes that makes it hard to follow this schedule and I end up crying a ton, not doing my hw, and feeling like a failure, which is how I've felt lately. I don't even know why I'm trying anymore...it's impossible for him to like me so why should I try, why should I even live? I've asked myself that question multiple times over and over and over again. I've tried cutting myself so I could avert this extreme emotional pain and have physical pain instead that actually makes sense and that I can see and feel. Luckily I've started going to a counselor and I haven't become fully addicted to cutting so there is a lower possibility of me doing it again but I've been taking the maximum amount of tylenol over and over again and I finally overdosed by only a few pills about a week ago. If I cant have him, then I just want to be dead. Everyday at school feels kinda like hell and I think he has noticed how I stare at him so I've also had to refrain from that (which is much harder than you might think!) And as if I didn't have enough pain, today at school something made me feel even worse. When I was in the bathroom there was this big group of juniors just hanging out in there and I was eavesdropping on their conversation. They said something gay and that they should get their dicks out and start rubbing them. Idk if this was some kind of joke among them but it really bothered me for the rest of the day because I thought most of the guys were hot and that the stuff I dreamt about was so close....but it wasnt. After hearing that I exited my stall, washed my hands and rushed out and thought about it for the rest of today. Im still extremely confused about this and idek why. Is there a way to deal with all this pain? It seems impossible that I'll ever be able to be loved by a guy in my entire life, so it's not just this guy it's every other person I like for the rest of my life. I just want him to love me...

Welcome to A2A, person16489.

I found your post very moving. Are you being treated for your depression? I think proper treatment is important, because depression tells us lies. Depression says that we are no good and useless, when none of that is true. Depression says that good things are only temporary and bad things are eternal, which isn't true either. Depression magnifies problems and diminishes solutions, casting everything in a false light.

I suspect you are not as ugly as you think you are, but even if you are, it will not prevent you from getting a relationship. People may fantasize about stunning looks, but in the end, in real life, they go for personality, because if you're going to live with a person, their looks will become familiar, whatever they are, while personality can keep shining new facets (if they are good) or keep causing new irritations (if they are bad).

I do get the impression that what you need at present is more social experience. Are there clubs at school you could join? Homework is important, but so is learning social skills, which really only come from experience. That would help you take your rightful place in school society. (You probably already have a place, and it's only the depression saying no-one knows you exist.)

Please keep away from the Tylenol. It's a slow and unpleasant way to die; and usually they stop you from dying but you end up with a liver transplant and on immunosuppression drugs for the rest of your life.

The thing with the group of juniors was one of those things where there is talk, but nothing ever actually happens. It's a mainstay of porn films, showing something happening that is talked about but hardly ever happens in reality.

Thanks, ineligible.

Yes, I am currently being treated for depression and anxiety. I actually just saw a psychiatrist yesterday because my counsellor highly advised it. I'm not on pills yet or anything, just bi-weekly counselling sessions.
Personally, I believe that I'm ugly, but my parents and friend say differently, though I don't believe them. All I gotta do is look in a mirror :( .
My parents are strongly against gays and our religion is against it so I don't think I ever want to come out which also means no romantic relationship with guys..ever.
I'm involved in 4-H and boyscouts but obviously those haven't helped with my social experience and to be honest joining any type of club at school sounds horribly frightening. I do have a small group of friends at my school and we fit into our own little group but sadly that group is the smart, shy group, which doesnt really get any kind of recognition or attention (especially since it's only about me and 3 other people). You could say we aren't a normal kind of group because we tend to talk about weird, funny stuff and books and hw so we tend to kinda be excluded from most of the other people in our grade. Except for when people want to cheat or be in a group with us so we can do all their work. Just recently I had to do a presentation for my history class and I had to do almost the entire thing, I hate it when people take advantage of me like that.So ya, were basically invisible unless someone needs our smarts.
Also, I can barely even speak to anyone but the people in my little group so it's gonna be kinda hard to gain social skills if I can't really associate with people.

I'm glad you are seeing a psychiatrist--depression and anxiety are nasty illnesses that, in my opinion, deserve aggressive treatment.

I am also very glad to hear about the small group of friends. A small group of friends who trust each other is much better than being alone, and you can't really have a large group of close friends. However, being able to handle interactions with people who aren't close friends is important. Toastmasters are the sort of group I was thinking about, that are specifically set up to help shy people communicate with others: their normal groups are over-18 only, but they do seem to have groups for young people. I think there are other organisations with similar aims. Of course, it's important not to over-stretch yourself, if you are already involved in 4-H and Boy Scouts. Shouldn't both of those be helping you get more social experience, if only be talking to, and doing things with, different people?

I'm currently going through the same situation as you but luckily I went to a friends sleepover and another one of my mates was there and one thing led to another and we started kissing even though he was straight and my best friend at the time and then we when everyone was asleep we were still awake kissing and he had his hands down my pants and I had my hands on his bum fingering him and then he started jerking me off and made me ejaculate all over his body then I licked it off so I guess I just got lucky at that point but ever since then we can't even stand to look at each other and all I want is to repeat that night again and again but it will never happen so I beat myself up about it thinking I'm not good enough

@anonymous1 It's not that you're not good enough, anonymous1; it's just that he's embarrassed about what happened and is unsure of himself.