Im so confused...and I cant keep this inside anymore. Even though im typing this, im still hoping I feel a lot better. I had a horrible child hood...I had a father that went out and got stoned and drunk all night, and came home and beat my mother. I failed 4th grade...my home burned down and I had to start all over again. The first time my dad hit me, my mom left. All my family..friends...and my whole life was left behind. So here I am now, almost 4 years later. My dad and I lost contact for 2 years and then I got a phone call from a relative saying he was in the hospital very ill and wanted me to call him. So I thought about it for a few days and decided to call to avoid feeling guilty. Turns out his liver was 80% damaged from drinking and doing drugs. The doctor told him NO MORE BEER. It was a choice he had to make..life or death. I told myself if he could do this then I would give him another chance. Well..he got out in a few weeks. One day my boyfriend and I were hanging out and my mom came back from the "store" and said "Guess who I found" and.. surprise...there was my dad...after 3 years. I was so mad...and confused. He was going to live with us to try to be a family again. But that wasnt even discussed with me..I had no say so. I locked myself in my room...and wouldnt talk to him or my mom. I started writing depressing poetry..and thinking suicidal thoughts. But the depression started ever since I left my home...maybe even before that. It got worse when my dad left. He stayed for 1 week...and just as I got used to him, and actually wanted him to be here...he left. My mom and him couldnt get along. I've been in a relationship for 6 months....and before my depression got this bad, I was sure he was the one, and I loved him with all my heart. Now that im depressed everyday..I snap at not only him...everyone. My friends ask me why I look so sad. I have certain "episodes" that is usualy triggered by me not getting my way...I get VERY depressed and start crying. And the last time I cut my wrist 6 times. I feel like my boyfriend and I have lost what we had...but I still love him. Its very confusing and frustrating for me...every minute of my life. Because I know he is the one...I've felt it...I knew it...why do I question it now? Why do I snap at him? Why do I feel so angry with him even though he has never hurt me..and does everything for me. I used to get so excited when I knew I was going to see him...now that feeling hasnt been felt in awhile. When we kiss I feel nothing...when we have sex I feel nothing. But this all started when I got depressed. I'm so confused....do I not love him anymore? Or is it the depression? I have an appointment with a counsiler on the 26th...but GOODNESS I CANT WAIT ANYMORE. I'm serious....I wake up and just getting through the day is a hassle...I actually want the day to end. Someone please help me...my boyfriend says he is going to stand by me through this all...but how can I deal with this for 7 more days? The biggest question I have is....is this depression making me love my boyfriend less? like him less? want to be with him less? is the depression to blame??-Sad and confused... ,Tiffany(P.S. So very sorry this was longer than I thought...but I needed to get that off my mind...thanks to all who read)
Yes, it's the depression that is causing most of the problems with your boyfriend. When you're back to normal things won't necessarily be completely rosy in every respect, but you'll be able to approach the situation with good judgement, instead of everything seeming bad and worthless and blank.
I'm definetly happy for you in the aspect that you have a great boyfriend who's sticking with you. I recently had someone I extremely cared about begin avoiding me because my depressive problems were too much to handle for him. So you're lucky there.About your father, I'm sorry to hear all that. I'm glad he's a changed person, atleast.The depression does makes you feel apathetic towards people you really care about. It does that to me, too. Just try and hold things together for the next 7 days and remember if you wait it out, there will possibly be good results. Good luck.
And it's you I see
But you don't see me.
thanks guys...now I can atleast have some peace of mind knowing that I havent lost interest in him...I was very worried. Thank you both