I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I’m going to anyways. I have been struggling with this problem for a long time. I guess I should tell you the whole story…I grew up with a very close knit family, in a very small town. I was never allowed to spend the night anywhere until I was in Jr. High (Which means I was about 13 at the time). I was invited to spend the night over my best friends house (we’ve been best friends since 2nd grade), and that’s when my problem started. She lived with her little sister and her step-dad (her mother was in jail at the time), and when I went her house I got the feeling that something wasn’t right in that house, and I didn’t know what it was until sometime later. Her step-dad would look at me funny and say things to me (which I now know wheren’t every apporpriate for a 36 yr old to say to a thirteen yr old girl. He’d tell me I was so pretty and that I had very beautiful hair and sexy eyes. I’d tell him thank you and just tried to ignor him the best I could. I just thought he was being very friendly because I was his daughters best friend. Well I started spending the night over there more and more, and things got worse and worse. He began touching me, and making it seem like it was an accident. He’d walk by and touch my butt or grab my breast and then say he was sorry. One night we were playing with shaving cream and water balloons (Katrina and I) and we ran into the hallway and he grabed my wrist and threw me against the wall and pinned me there. He started mumbling about somwthing and then he started to kiss me. Well I just turned my head and he ended up kissing my cheak instead. Then he let me go and said “I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t mean to… I had a little to much to drink.” I believed him like an idiot. Why wouldn’t I? He was an adult and he wouldn’t hurt me right? Wrong.After that, I told Katrina I couldn’t come over for a while because I was very confussed. Well one weekend she convinced me to come over and that was the night I found out he was doing something far worse to her. She whispered into my ear that night as we were getting ready for bed that he was molesting her and she made me promise her I wouldn’t tell anyone. As we laid in bed he came in and made each of us kiss him good night and then he left the room. About five minutes later he came back in and kissed me again and said “Wow, you’re so beautiful.” I just mubbled thanks to him and he left us alone to go to bed. I cried that night as Katrina slept and vowed to myself I wouldn’t let him hurt her while I was there.Over the next year things got worse and worse. He’d just come up to me and start messing with me, kissing me, and telling me how much he wanted to be with me. One night I woke up with him laying beside me and I don’t know if he did anything while I was asleep or not and that really scared me. I was really scared and so was Katrina. I didn’t know what to do.When her mother got out of jail, Katrina promised me she would tell her, but she never did. It continued, and finally Katrina got pregnant. Both of us broke down and told her mother what was going on and he ended up going to jail. She kept the baby and moved away. Now shes 19, into drugs very heavily, and shes sleeping with a 32 yr old man. She keeps telling me shes okay, but I know shes not. She went through a whole hell of a lot more than I did and I’m not okay. I want to help her, but I don’t know how. She went to the hospital because she tried to kill herself, and it scares me. I’ve even thought about killing myself because even after 5 yrs, I’m still not over the things he said and did to me (and I can't say what all he did because its just too much for me to handle). I’m scared of everyone and everything now, and I don’t want to be. I’m even scared of a guy I grew up with and have known all of my life. I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone to a counsiler, but it didn’t work. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of not being able to be there for my friend. I hate myself for not being able to stop him from hurting her or myself. I don’t know what to do...
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I don't know what to do anymore...
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This is one reason I've never been able to be 'close' with a boyfriend. I'm very scared of guys at the moment... I mean I really want to be with a man, but I'm scared because all of the crap I've been through and I don't know what to do... how can I move on and build myself back up. I'm tired of running when ever a guy wants to talk to me. And I'm tired of running from my friend when she needs me...
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Thanks for posting this, Katie Lou. It must have taken a lot of courage.Probably the best you can do for Katrina is to be there for her if she wants you, and let her know you're there for her. That's often the best we can do for each other, support each other as best we can as we stumble brokenly through a broken world.
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It is hard to talk about, and no one ever really does. I've asked advice before on a diffrent board a few years ago and people just told me "Get over it." So I thought that maybe if I asked for advice here, I'd get something useful... It's a very painful part of my past and although I didn't tell everything, I'm pretty sure you all get the picture. I'm trying to be there for my friend but its so hard. I want to be there for her when she needs me, but then again I want to move on and just let go and forget about everything I went through with her. Does that make sense? I want to be there for her.... but I keep wondering, whos going to catch me when I finally fall?
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What you say makes a lot of sense, Katie Lou. Don't forget that you can support your friend by being a friend about anything - you don't have to be a therapist and take her through the experience again: you can support her by laughing and talking together about anything. Perhaps she can support you the same way, if she is able to. Do you have other friends? Anyone close you can trust?
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I have a few close friends, but not very many. I lost several of them because for a while I didn't trust anyone. I'm just now getting to the point that I can look at people in the face again, and starting to be able to trust (some) people with my whole heart without being afraid. My friend and I do talk sometimes (but not very often anymore), and there is always a bit of tension between us when we talk about certion things that happened during that time period (even if it had nothing to do with what happened). I do try, but I feel so lost and confussed. I just don't know what to do. There are some days where I can wake up and I'm so happy and I feel like nothing can touch me... but some days I wake up and its all I can think about. Its like the plague or this cloud of doom that constantly follows me around and I can rarely exscape it. It's hard, and very tireing.
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Listen to me please. You can not help your friend any more than I'm going to help you now. Go to see a therapist. You may need years of help. I was in therapy for over 10 years and still from time to time go and talk with one. You need to talk about this with someone that can help you. That is really the only way to get passed it. You can take it as slow as you need to. If it helps you can tell the therapist one word a session about what happened. That way the first time you talk about it it's only words and not the story. Because the first time is the hardest. Each time after that is easier. After a while it won’t hurt to talk about it. In fact the whole subject is kind of boring to talk about.And when you stand up and face the demons they will stop chasing you. It can only chase you when you run away.Please take my advice. Big hugs to you. And if you want to talk privately feel free to send me a personal message and I’ll give you my home e-mail.
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It's very hard to talk about and I've seriously been thinking of seeing a doctor. I'm starting to believe that that will be the only way I can get over this. I've only shared my 'little' secret with a few people close to me(well now more but it's not as hard because they're strangers) and it's helped that I've talked about it. It makes me feel better just talking about it. I usually write my pain in poems and I ended up writing a few about my situation. I've found out that it really helps me alot.Inside by Katie LouInside it boilsSo deep it almost hurts to breathTears flow freely from her eyesShe smiles to mask the painHollow laughter fills her earsDrowning out the screams insideNo one knows the ache she feelsA tortured mind warped with painThey can't see it buried beneath the surfaceThe agony is only seen through her sad eyesYet no one ever noticesThe fire that was once there has slowly burned outEmbers are all that's left inside a smoky hazeInside she's all aloneA world she's no longer a part ofA lifeless cell drifting through the fogSlowly her soul begins to crackTwisting and turning, slowly unraveling within Death's vile claws squeeze at her heartWatery eyes and trembling lipsDrowning in sorrow and griefBitterness and anger consume her worldSlowly eating away at her mindSecrets hidden deep withinAnger and hatred pulsating insideShe can't escape There's nowhere to hide but deep insideLostBy: Katie LouI sit in my room and wonder about youHow did you get inside my headHow did you make me believe your liesWho gave you the permission to enter my life And turn it all upside downI used to be comfortable with peopleNow when I’m around someone newI can’t help but think of youWill they pretend to know meOnly to use my trust against meWill they abuse me both mentally and physicallyWhen I’m with themWill I be afraid to be left aloneBecause of youI can’t look people in the eyesBecause of youI no longer feel safe You took advantage of my trustYou tried to brake my spiritYou slowly slithered your way into my lifeAnd because of what you didI’ll never be the sameYou took away my innocence By a single touchYou ruined my ability to have faith in peopleYou may not have hurt me as you did herBut you still hurt meYou wont win thoughI will survive and I will grow strongAnd when the day comesYou will lose it allThey're not really good, but it gets me through. I'd really like to talk to you, it's nice to know there is a friend out there ^_^