ive been depressed and suicidal for six years now, im 18 now. Its been about a year since i really started trying to kill myself, mostly having to do with my years fucking up in highschool and getting rejected by every college on the eastern seaboard. Had countless attempts, but could never let go. Which fed back through as more hatred for myself failing at yet another thing. A year ago I severely cut the food I was eating, and at times ate nothings for days. When that first started I weighed about 150 pounds, now im about 105. I can hear my bones creak when I breathe and it feels like my insides are in a grinder. I dont know if I really want to die but Ive never been happy and probably never will be. I dont even know why Im writing this, dammit im pathetic.
One way or another im gonna die soon
No, you're not pathetic. Things haven't happened as you expected them to, but that often happens in life, and we can do something different instead. Often the "something different" turns out to be much more exciting and satisfying than the obvious thing we were wanting to do. So how about doing something different? Volunteer work abroad, perhaps?
maybe, but i dont know if im strong enough to actually fix anything...i mean i let it all happen knowing full well that it would go this way yet i stood there and did nothing to prevent it
We all make mistakes - pretty big ones, often. It doesn't mean we are useless people. Being a human is to bumble along, falling down often but picking yourself back up again and going on. It's important not to get stuck on regretting the past. What's past is past, and instead we need to look forward to where we are going to, which can be a lot better than where we have come from.
when i try to look forward i dont see anything i can feel another attempt coming its like im possesed or something, part of me wants to get it over with now and part of me is afraid to
When we're depressed, good shrinks so we can hardly see it, while bad increases to fill our whole field of view. But it's not an accurate picture of the world.
I want you to find happiness, uselessbystander.
I've just read your post and im sorry to hear that you are feeling so crappy. you can get through this, you just need to give it time. life may seem bad as it is right now, but it will imperove and will get better, you just need to give it time. and also try and help yourself. go out and do that you know you can, you probbly have many talents, show people and yourself what you can do and what you are capable of.
I know how you feel when you feel like a failure at everything, i am the same, never do anything right, always let the family down all the bloody time, always feeling ashamed of myself. i suffer from depression too, but at the mo its not at its peak thank fuck. cutting down on your food isnt the way to do this, you need to eat, otherwise if you wanrt to die it will be slow and painful, and surely thats not how you wanna go?? do something with yourself, go out and make a diff, and die happy and old, and fat! hehe.
Look, if you wanna talk at all, im always around, just give us a shout!
Lots of love, Becky xxx
you once said that a problem halved was a problem shared, but i couldnt tell you coz i didnt know you cared
I miss you
I read your post and the first thing that came to mind was one of my favorite gospel songs "Trouble don't last always" and saying that my most favorite is "It's Over Now" remember suicide is premenat, problems aren't. As far as school, try a community college or trade school which you don't have to be a scholar to attend. Futhermore, please actively seek help from family/friends, scream, shout, break shit if you feel you have to because if you actually complete your mission I'm positive they will be very sad.
~*~Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder~*~