Hello, first post woo! and all that.
Since I was at school, I've suffered from regular, severe bouts of depression. However, I always came out the other side after a few months. But, ever since I was forced to drop out of uni and move back in with my mum (which was over two years ago now), I've been in an utter mire. I haven't been able to hold a job down, as I'd always have a day (or week, or whatever) where I couldn't face it, not go in and so get fired. This employment pattern means my prospects for getting a job I might want to do are nil. All of my friends have moved on and gone elsewhere, so my social life is now non-existant. Jesus, I haven't left the house for three days, and the only human beings I ever speak to these days are relatives.
Also, I've started to cut myself again, which until the last month or so I hadn't done since I was 17 (I'm 21 now). It makes me feel so guilty and wretched, but it's the only method of relief I have. In addition, I think I might be becoming an alcoholic, and I'm regularly drinking alone to the point where I pass out.
My financial situation is dire, and I have a stack of unopened letters from my bank and credit card company, but I just can't bring myself to open them. I just stick my head in the sand and hope it'll go away.
But I know it won't go away, and I'm getting increasingly desperate, to the point where I'm regularly contemplating suicide, and I think the only thing that has stopped me thus far is my coward's fear of pain and the UK's gun control laws.
And this is the thing; I can't stand myself, and I want to just snuff myself out, but then having these feelings makes me feel even worse, as I think of what my family would go through were I to die. But still I can't shake these suicidal thoughts. Fucking pathetic, I know.
I went to the doctor, but all she did was prescribe me with drugs that made me feel even worse, as they made it impossible to sleep, and I found myself becoming increasingly detatched from the world, and prone to hallucinations inspired by sleep deprivation. I don't want to go to a counsellor, as I'm a social retard and the idea of talking about these things face-to-face with a stranger makes my skin crawl. Which is silly, as you're all complete strangers, but I find the typed word a far kinder medium than the spoken.
I'm sorry for these ramblings, but I'm finding myself increasingly desperate and detatched from humanity, more and more paranoid and unable to talk to people, and I feel I need to talk to someone (anyone) about these things before I do something dumb.
Sorry for wasting your time.
Need to talk to someone...
Hello, first post woo! and all that.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Medication - NO
Go and see someone mate, please, you don't want to know what I had to tell someone and yes it is horrible but you get used to it.
I can sympathise entirely with your feelings, but don't act on them. You seem a nice guy, why should you die?
Ren - if you need someone to spill everything out to please PM me.....I can't say that I have expereinced what you have gone through, but, I have been through some bad times (the birth of my disabled daughter for one)and a few years of depression and if it helps just to 'talk' to a stranger then please feel free..........
Get a taste of Old Time Religion..........lick a witch grin<br />
I'm new to this site although i've just read your post and it reminded me of myself. The difference with me is I've started doing drugs and drinking alot. Although I know in my sane head that this will not help, something keeps making me do it.
I have started having quite regular panic attackes and sickness and what started off as a good job is already on it's way out the door. As you said, I just can't face it and then the longer i'm off, the worse it gets. Family say there's not pressure but when asked "why did you give your job up", I reply "i don't know" and half the time I genuinely don't - people just believe I'm making it up.
I've always been very paranoid although this is getting increasingly worse, have been in the nut-house before which worked temporarily although I keep going backwards. I don't know what to do anymore either, have overdossed before which got me in there but I'm scared of suffering before I actually go and then as you said there's the family side of it - i'll just feel too guilty.
Don't know if this helps but you're not alone. Don't say sorry either, you've nothing to be sorry for (i say it all the time myself)!!!!