Hi all. I'll try to make this as short as possible, this is actually short for all the crap i have to say. LoLI moved across the U.S. (3,000 friggin miles) years back when i was going into my sophomore year of High school. I found this very hard to cope with lsoing all the friends and i decided my life was over. Anyway, i had basically no social life outside of school then, I was very negative. I didnt want to make friends, and hardly anyybody was interested in me. Near the end of the schoolyear, about 8 months into living alone, a girl that was sitting next to me in one of my classes had a crush on me. Before this was a low point in my life, i told myself i'd be dead in a few months.Now i know this is about where all the mental health alarms will start going off but please bear with me.I never asked her out or anything but i knew she had a crush on me. I met a few guys from school during the summer, they brought me to a Basketball court hangout so i decided i'd come back myself. I basically spent my entire summer there. The girl came there too a lot, we never reached the level of being "friends", but i met some of her friends, and i have no doubt in my mind that she liked me, please take my word for it.One thing thats been a major problem is i was obviously a loser and she's a bit more popular of a student. Some of her friends i've known knew that she had the crush but a lot of them i dont think she ever told. Her friends seemed to imply secrecy, remember they never told me flat out that she liked me nor did she and we never got seriousIm not going to make excuses, i was an idiot, never had the guts to ask her out or approach her much. A few months into the next school year i realized i had screwed up completely. I asked her to the prom (after not talking to her for a long time ), she had a b/f she was already going with. An hour later she broke up with the guy temporarily.This is where the crap really went sour. I hardly saw her outside of school and didnt know her well enough, but i didnt know what else to do. I asked her if she'd "talk to" me, remember this was basically out of nowhere except for the fact she'd liked me before. Anyway, i was honestly pretty respectful to her, i approached her maybe 3 times a month, i tried to not invade her privacy because i knew it could scare her, we hardly knew each other. I figured she was angry at me for ignoring her before plus the fact that i was still seen as mostly loser and for her to suddenly like me in front of her friends like that would have been a social no no.She eventually got back together with the guy, then got a new B/F but she would never talk to me. Eventually she told me to leave her alone. By this time a few people at school began to talk about me, i was labelled "weird", later a stalker. 'Friends' left me. I swear, when i approached her again i wanted her to stop that, yes i still liked her but i was really desperate to stop my reputations destruction. I really was respectful i think, the most aggressive i got was i dogged her out in a parking lot after a school game in front of some of her friends asking her to talk to me. I havnt been anywhere near the neighborhood she lives since (cant help notice which way she walked home now can i?). This added to me being a stalker. After about 4 months I had a discussion with the dean, my reputation was destroyed and we've hardly talked period since. Throughout all that i honestly felt she still cared for me while she has denied it through all of this. On a few occasions when i "stalked her" we must have stared at each other for full minute intervals mostly from afar at sports events and such, i know what its like when someone else's eyes meet your's, when the pledge to the flag is being said, and shes looking at me instaed of the flag from 30 feet away. I did not imagine this. I remember the summer after that year (1 1/2 years ago), i told one of her friends that i was moving back home, I remember the nite I was 'leaving' (was actually going to a funeral), her and her friends were having a big arguement at this basketball court hangout. It almost appeared that they were pulling her towards me. Could she still have cared?? I coudlnt approach her though after the stalking accusationI know ya'll're gonna tell me i have problems, i know it, but i love her. Im mad at her for doing this but before i met her i didnt want to live. From the moment i looked into her eyes i felt hope, sometimes i wonder if i'd even have survived if i hadnt met her. I've never actually got to talk to her (about all this), i've seen other girls, had some crushes and such, but i've always lived for her. I met her 3 years ago almost, 2 years about since the stalking accusation. I talked to her a week ago online about nothing in particular, but she blocked me when i called her mommy. She's got a new b/f that she's had for about a year, it actually makes me feel a little good that she seems happy but real shitty at the same time. I still have the urge to talk to her, to express my feelings. Or to at least explain myself. But i dont see any way i can. I cant "pursue" her, her friends treat me just about the same as she has, they still avoid me. I dont want ya'll to think im a nutcase or anything, yeah i was obsessed with her but if we like each other then why should anything get in the way? And im sure she did like me through much of this but could never manage to openly admit it in front of all of her snobby friends. And no, i dont stalk her. I dont know a whole horribly lot about her really and what i do find out is by chance, i know shes got a b/f and they seem pretty happy together. I've never tried to spy on her or anything. Im a little sensitive as you can see because afterall i had to start all over with friends after the stalker debacle.I graduated last year and havnt set eyes on her since i saw her driving down the street months ago by chance again. Really sucks, and a lot of the time im tortured by thoughts of what could have been. The rest of my life is relatively normal now. I could settle with another girl but i wouldnt even want to feel the same about them. I dont try to find her or anything like that, i really do behave. I'm afraid if i tried to tell her how i felt she'd tell my old dean or all her friends, i never get a chance to say anything to her, let alone privately. She seems very hostile to communicating with me, i think she wants to forget me. What i really need is a private conversation that'll never happen. She has no way of knowing how i feel or anything. I'm almost tempted to try and write something like this for her, but if shed be so cruel as to expose it for whatever reason then i'd suffer enormously. Also, i really never wanted to tell her that i was wanting to be dead before i met her because i know the ladies like a self confident man And i know what the girl did was wrong but sometimes people get wrapped up in things and make mistakes, i still care about her, though i am pissed. Sorry for the length. Dont even know what help im asking for, just have to tell someone as i dont talk about this with anybody anymore. Just please dont tell me what i should have done, i;ve learned my lessons.
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Nostalgia (rather long hopefully interesting post)
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Hi Laggyman,I can understand what you're going through and I think most of us who read this board can to some degree. When I was through a time of pain and upset, I tried tons of things to destract myself from this person I had a crush on. In fact, I went away, to stop myself getting to the point where I was going to go insane. But love is like that, love can be really insane, as hurtful and stupid it may seem.However for me, I ended up seeing this person I fancied again. But this time, I decided the way I was feeling and living about this issue was not healthy for me, and I was not doing things I should be doing - I was becoming a wreck. So, I analysed all the possibilities of what it would be like if I did this and that (sad but true) and came to the conclusion if I did openly tell her I loved her and tried to make things happen, it probably wouldn't work, thus making me live in shame. And if it did, I would have to put up with all the other factors such as people in my family being hurt for example. So what I suggest is you 'analyse' the possibilities and come to your own conclusion. But, if I was you and I had nothing to lose...I'd say go for it!
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It's a tricky business, think over wisely.
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In reply to:So what I suggest is you 'analyse' the possibilities and come to your own conclusion. But, if I was you and I had nothing to lose...I'd say go for it! Well i cant really go for anything as its kind of a sensitive position, you know ex stalker and all. Plus i dont even think it'd be right to. Not after all the BS i had to put up with. A lot of girls i knew avoided eye contact with me after that happened. Hardly anybody confronts you about this stuff to your face. The enormous majority of people just talk behind and then make judgements without ever allowing you to defend yourself. So i got some real bad shit over it and i really think it would be pathetic of me to give her the good feeling of knowing i still give a crap.And yeah i analyzed it plenty, looks very bad to me. Even if she did have anything for me it would never be seen as normal for her to admit it. I seriously doubt too many people even look at something like this as legitimate. Its one a those bad scenerios where you're supposed to give up as soon as you see how bad it is. Aside that i really dont think i'd get along with too many of her friends, etc. I dont even think i'll bother analyzing further because i dont think a girl like her could ever subject herself to that kind of embarrasment. I really shouldnt even be thinking about this but if me n [da bitch ] did get together i really never considered the possibility of not 'working out' but then i really dont know her well enough. Just for the fact that me and her probly would have broken the record of shit we put up with before even going on a date. Thats not a date you take for granted. Shame it'll never happen.Its not like i feel shitty about her all the time but like today is her birthday (18) and im also sick with a bad virus and lost 10lbs when im trying to gain weight and im also deppressed about my shitty job i cant quit.
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I see where you're coming from. I'm sorry, I forgot to take into consideration the 'stalking reputation', well for that I can't really give you much help. If it's really as bad as you say then it would be wise to stay away for a long time atleast. Maybe when time has passed by and people forget those things, you'll have another chance. But for the time being however there's not much you can do. I'm sorry this is like this for you