I've never really been close to that many guys before in that way. When I befriend a guy, I have no problem at all conversing with them and spending time with them like pals. But when it comes to getting closer to them, I always tend to make things awkward. Everytime a guy hugs me, I freeze up or make things very odd between us. I can't have intimate moments with boyfriends because I always act nervous or ruin the moment by something awkward.
It's not just with guys. I am just not good with touchiness in general. I can't joke around in disgusting ways. I can't say "I love you". But as I am heterosexual, this won't affect my friendships with females.
I really want to get out of this because I feel if I don't, I'm pretty much doomed. Every guy I've been with has ended it because they thought the nervous/awkward thing was just a phase, but it proved to be otherwise. I've always had beyond low self esteem and feel that either too ugly to get close to, or there's something on my face, or I might be carrying an odor etc. Could that be linked? And if so, is there anything I can do to exercise normality?