I just recently turned 20, but my life has been so F***ed up up to this point since I was a mid teen. I smoke pot a lot to get away from the stress of everyday life. I'm in college, but my grades are on a downfall due to lack of motivation. I've been seeing a therapist, and they said I show every signs of depression. I am not on any medications nor tried any. I wake up in the morning, asking myself why I am here and why I am the way I am, a loser pothead with no friends and the only time I get any calls is when people want some green. The only thing keepin me from blowin my brains out is cuz I believe suicide leads you to hell, but lately I've been thinkin my life is like hell anyways, how much worse can it get? I have no interests, used to, but now I really dont have any time to go out or join clubs, so I get high. I'm literally hopeless right now, is there anyone out there that knows what this feels like? and perhaps if youve gotten over it I would love some advice. Thanks yall
Should I blast myself?
I know something of what it feels like, and there are many people here who know it only too well.
Can I make some suggestions?
College isn't working at the moment, and of course that's going to be depressing. So take the rest of the year off - perhaps two years. Having that off your chest will make a difference. Then use the time to do something different. Perhaps you might bicycle through Asia. Perhaps you might go in a volunteers abroad program. And if you are still depressed, why not try medication - it has made a big difference for a lot of people.
college isnt working because I'm depressed, not the other way around. my social life has been suffering tremendously, and ive thought about taking a semester off but it doesnt really appeal to me b/c i dont have a home to go to while im not in school. I have problems with my social life, school, depression...its just too much for me to handle all at once. I've tried medication, but it didn't really do much.
Hey i know exactly how you feel. My college life sucked last semester. I was depressed and lacked motivation and completely failed the semester. I took up drinking to relieve stress, but it made things worse. You have to push through. I have never been through so much personal stress and strain ever. I have to think seriously about everything and my parents add drama. You just gotta go. Start pushing through it all. Right now I am fighting every urge to do what i want to do, like curling up and being lazy, but you have to stand up and walk through it. Trust this will be on of the toughest things to do, and I would know because I am going through it. Just push and keep going. If you try and be smart you can make it. Just think of when you are done, you are free, all grown up and free to work and settle down with yourself. Just keep your eyes on the prize no matter how hard it gets. Believe in yourself and you can do it.
The last guy I knew that talked about shooting himself really did it. He thought his life was hopeless, no one cared about him, and he was only a burden to those around him. Two weeks after rehab and off of crystal meth... came his funeral day. The small church was full with over 200 people. Old friends, past teachers, family, kids from the Drama club, the list goes on... we all gathered in that small place and most of us only had one thing in common. HIM.
He posted his goodbyes on a website. People are still posting in response to it. "why?" "you shouldn't have" "we love you". All these statements, questions, and more fill the board.
Do you feel that your hopeless, that no one cares about you, that you're just a burden and better off gone? There is hope, you can fill a big room full of people that care, and you only create burden when you're gone.
Hey, thanks for replying to my post, I really appreciate it.
I don't necessarily feel that no one cares about me, I know some people do, but they just say they do, none of them has come up to me with a helping hand. My therapist got fed up with me and "deferred" me to a new shrink cuz she couldnt solve my problems.
But I mean, I moved a lot since I was young, thats one of the reasons why I'm not too close to anyone, and never have been. If I died I don't think anyone would ever notice. I lived out of the country too, and a lot of my closest friends at the time when I was little are all overseas. Even within the states, I highly doubt that someone is going to drive 1000 miles to come to a funeral for someone they "just knew" in middle school or whatever. How would they hear about it anyway?...you know what I mean? Even people in my university, there's 40,000 students at my school, I'm not very close to anyone, maybe here and there...
I just recently found out that a girl who I attended middle school died a few years ago...few years ago, and my middle school only had about 200 students, thats small...and it still took few years to hear about her death. So, yea...I don't know what to say, only reason I'm not blastin my head off is cuz that would hurt my mom, but I dont want to go through hell everyday just for my mom.
I also feel like I will never be happy, because of some of the things I've done in the past. And I can't picture myself being happy in the future. You could say that I'm kinda tired of trying, and believing that someday I will get better. I always try to think positive cuz I cant stand this depression shit, but I'm tired of waiting for happiness or success that I don't even know will come to me, but I do know that one day death will come, so why not get it over with now? I havent smiled in years...maybe fake laughs when I am high with friends, but I always feel like shit when I do that.
Thanks for the reply!
It's comforting to know someone else is out there like me. I know a lot of people go through what I do, but most people have a downfall, like family or friends or club members that they can go to to talk to, hang out and get away from it all. But I dont even have that, I'm always skeptical about new people I meet, and it shows in my actions...I have the hardest time trusting people. Hell I don't even trust myself, how can I trust others?
I would love to get over all of this shit, but I've been like this for too long, and maybe I should have taken action earlier before things got out of hands...I don't even know what I want from my life anymore, maybe cuz I don't have anything so I don't know what I want...
I am exact same way, but you gotta do it for family, friends, and yourself. Life can be shit, but why take away all chances of everything being good. That could be in 20 years or 10 years or 6 months or 10 minutes, you just never know. So you gotta go with it because in the end you are better off. Hell you already have us, so you are far from alone.
Helmsman, I know what you are saying, i tell myself that all day constantly haha (that things will get better, "bright day after a dark night")...you said you got over it though, can you give me some pointers? like what u started doing differently...please dont say "give it time", b/c ive given it 3-4 years already, maybe longer...i dont even know when i started getting depressed, it becamse a part of me so its hard for me to shake it off...
There were many times when I was with my ex that I knew I would be better off dead. I have attempted suicide once, would be dead now if I would have seen a semi on that highway, I drove for 15 miles one way and drove back and there was not a single semi on that highway that normally is filled with them. A few months later, a friend of mine killed himself by the cars exhaust in his garage. I was the last one to see him alive, only hours after I left he did it.
He left behind a wife and a young daughter. They are in constant self blame to this day. He was a manic depressant and simply needed medication to "even him out". My other buddy is also a manic dep. Many years of hearing that he wants to kill himself, that he seeked help from a good doctor and was put on a medication to help and he is doing good now. Wellbutrin is a good med too.
Know that one day soon you will make a difference in someone elses life that will be a reason to live. Nobody can get to know you if you were to die. Live for today and then live for tomorrow, it takes small steps. Try slowing down on smoking pot, it can affect your mind to feel worse. It seems hard now to change, thats why it should be slow. Everyday, make plans for the next, try somthing new often.
This Shits The Shit
No, please do not tolerate yourself at thinking that way. if we, people that does'nt know you, cares about you, how much more the people that knows you and loves you? There is no such burden being put into your shoulder that you can never deal with. I don't know what's the root of your depression, but I am certain that if you faced it with all your courage and determination, you will beat all the odds.
If you ended your life, where do you go from there? Nowhere...just six feet below the ground, but being alive, you could make a lot of difference. You can plan your future, design it, decide what to do with it. There is no living human being who could say they are hopeless. Even the dying cancer patients in hospitals do fight for their lives down to their last breath because we only live once, there is no certainty for the 'other' chance of living. Once we died, we're dead, we can never come back to the world and enjoy the opportunities it could offer.
How do you get over that depression? I am not an expert, I am only talking from the heart...think of something beautiful that could happen to you. Try to know what you want. You don't want to be a 'loser pothead', the simplest thing you can do is detach yourself from that vice. When you wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that this is going to be a beautiful day, because you're gonna make it beautiful... that you don't care what other people thinks about you, what matters is what you think about yourself... and please know that above everyone else, it is what YOU think of yourself that would help to create you as a person.
I used to be shy and introvert, and always insecure, but one day I woke up and realized that there's nothing I should be ashamed about myself. I am not that pretty, nor smart, but hey, I am me...I can be what I wanna be...
be proud of yourself, if other people can not appreciate what you had to offer, they are blind...one day you will find someone who will know you and appreciate the special qualities in you
I am a nobody,
Therefore I am perfect
If I had goals, passions, or whatever, I would not be here all fed up. I truly find it ridiculous what some people say to others on this site. "good things will come" "dont give up"...saying momma prayers isnt gonna solve problems. you don't think people with issues don't think that? I try my best to be positive, but if your life consist of purely negative elements, it gets really hard to think positively (drugs help some people at it). And maybe some people are better at dealing with the pressure than others, just cuz I think positive don mean good things will come. If I have to suffer for years just to experience 1 happy moment, I really don't think its worth the effort, and the way shi has been goin in my 20 yrs of living on this earth, its like IMPOSSIBLE to imagine anything good happening anytime in the near future or the distant future. i feel dead already, really hopeless, and im losin the last piece of hope that i had.
ok, im sorry, ive been really stressed and tired and I just say things that I don't mean or take it out on others. I really aprreciate people replying to my posts, but seriously if any of you can help me out I would love it. but if youre just going to come at me with phrases such as "good things will come", please dont waste your time cuz i've heard that a million times and it hasnt done shi*
College? I know how you feel... I found college problematic since day 1 and I ended up leaving. I just wasn't ready. My problems at the time were too severe, so I took a year out and WHAM! I was able to make myself more confident and ready for my next try. I believe this helps, but you gotta look at it carefully. I still find it hard, but I've learnt I'm the only one in control.
Sometimes we say things that hurt ourselves and others that were not meant, so I leapt from my life's struggles and long running regret
In reply to:
I've been seeing a therapist, and they said I show every signs of depression. I am not on any medications nor tried any.
Why? Antidepressant meds are not a panacea, but I've seen some excellent outcomes through their use...particularly with a family member of mine.
You need to see a psychiatrist or some other MD (or nurse practitioner) who can prescribe drugs.
<i>Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.</i> -- MLK
I've seen therapists, including a PhD. I asked for pills but she actually did not recommend it to me b/c it only helps with getting rid of some of the negative thoughts or chemicals that make you feel down all day, but doesn't get rid of the elements in my life that are causing me to be depressed, thus saw it only as a temporary cure. I tend to run into a lot of people who have issues, and of course I hear a lot of people say drugs help, but most of them say it's only temporary and not a long term thing. I mean I would gladly go on pills if its going to solve my problems but its not.
In the U.S., whether or not you have a PhD, you need an M.D. (or you need to be a nurse practitioner working under an M.D.) in order to prescribe drugs.
Frankly I think you're therapist's view is a bit absurd. If you ski dangerously and break your leg, for instance, you shouldn't be deprived of a leg cast because it doesn't solve the underlying problem. Of course you should still stop skiing dangerously, but first things first.
Some psychotherapists are philosophically opposed to antidepressants (although fewer now than in the past). Taken to an extreme, it is a religious, not scientific, point of view. Suppose the underlying problem is an imbalance of neurotransmitters? You can do talk therapy until the cows come home, and you'll still be depressed.
I don't mean to attack talk therapy. It has a lot to offer. But insisting that it's the only solution is narrow-minded, and I would seek another opinion.
<i>Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.</i> -- MLK
You have no idea how much I relate to that post man. Except I don't do drugs, and I don't have an outlet, and it's quite destructive. I don't know what to tell you.
Physical injury, time will take care of it if its not fatal...some mental problems, time will take care of it as you go on, but I think a lot of mental problems aren't really cured over time even with help, and I honestly don't feel like going through years and years of this before I get better.
I recently stopped doing drugs to be able to think more clearly, but its actually made things worse. I see more clearly what my problems are and I see more vividly than ever that I have no way out. I was suicidal when I wasnt on drugs, then I went on drugs and still suicidal, and now that I am off of it I am more suicidal than ever...I write death notes as I cry, but I don't want to commit suicide cuz its a loser's way out, but lately I feel like I have no other choice.
I beat up my dog cuz I was pissed and he was irritating me (an adorable chocolate lab) but all he wanted was to go pee, and I felt horrible about it. I cant help but think that my condition will deteriorate even more and I will kill someone I dont like or random people or whatever...i will stop myself from doing those things if i have to.
All i wanted from life was simple, but obstacles and my environment made it dam near impossible for me to enjoy a lot of the positive things that so many people take for granted. I'm not scared to die, Ive been a hit target in the past so I know what it feels like to be endangered lol, but I'm really scared to think that I will die never being able to enjoy the good things in life...not sex, money or the stuff that people wish for, i mean things like having a warm family, buddies that i can laugh and hang out with for real and not have to worry about their background or what they want from me.
DAM!!!! i need help...big time, but Im startin to think this forum thing isnt really helping either...this might be my last post unless someone is able to tell me something worth while listening to. I don't need the caring hugging talk, I need real advice from real people who know what I am talking about...PLEASE!!!
FYI. I dropped outta college a month ago, but things just keep getting worse!
Im from the UK i guess you are from the US!
I know exactly what you are going through and in my experience it just got worse and worse and it sort of took over your mind and I thought that I would never get out of it. But I did and you will I promise you.
There are many ways in which you can help yourself from my experience but you have to be prepared to make an effort yourself. Surely you wanna 'get out' of all the stuff that you are going through instead of dying.
Surely you want a warm loving family and lots of 'real' friends who really want to be with you and not just want you when they want drugs. Surely you want a nice pretty girlfriend, not for sex but for her to cuddle you and wanna be with you for the rest of her life - and you will find that person, I promise you. - I haven't yet but Im now sure that I will.
Firstly I know its extremly hard but you have got to tell yourself that you're getting better, you're gonna be happy, you're gonna have everything you want. Loadsa good friends, You're gonna get married to a beautiful girl and have kids, you will i promise you. But it won't happen if you sit there feeling sorry for yourself.
Trust me if you try to be positive all the time you will get so much good out of it. People WILL start to notice you more and be friendly with you and wanna be with you more.
Secondly, you have got to stay off the drugs. Even though at the moment you feel it is making you worse and more suicidal all they are doing are given you a distorted view of life for a few hours at a time. Please, just for me, stay off the drugs?
I really wanna help you through this because I have been through all what you are going through and realise that you need someone to talk to when you are down, like I did. Whenever you need to talk just PM me and I will try to get back to ya soon as poss.
Trust me as you hav probably read on the other post I got so low as to wanna kill myself but always in the back of my mind I didn't really, it was always just a cry for help as it is for you.
If you had the choice of either dying or being happy and having a good family, lots of good friends, a lovely girlfriend I'm sure you would rather have all the good stuff, just like me.
IT WILL HAPPEN I PROMISE YOU, PLEASE BELIEVE ME.
I'm always here to talk. Steve.
Hey, thanks for the reply
Yea I'm from the US.
First off, I agree with what you said about drugs and thats why I stopped, but now I am actually worse for the reasons stated in the previous post. Feels like im right back where I was before I started doin drugs hardcore (drugs have always been around me since late mid early high school). i cant sleep much, i lost A LOT of weight...im 6ft tall and only weight 135, ive lost like 20 pounds since i was a mid teen.
I try to think positively. I'm not freakin out saying im gonna cut my wrist or overdose nor attempt such unreliable suicidal methods (i truly think people who do that are dumb, just shoot yourself or run in front of a truck, who gives a damn if youre messy, youre dead either way), but i actually say I don wanna die, if I wanted to die I would have taken my gun and shot myself years ago. I mean, if thinking positively and not doing drugs is enough to make me better then I wouldnt be here writing this...
As much as I would luv to believe that I will have a family and wife and kids and all that good stuff, its really hard and this is why. I actually had an active social life with many friends/gf/buddies in the past (perhaps with the wrong type of people), but now I just have few people i kno who I hang out with here and there...and not too long ago I met someone who I thought I could trust and everything but as u may have guessed I have a lot of issues from the past. I talked to her about it cuz I thought she would understand but the next day she started ignoring me and her friends ignored me as well, before that incident she always sat next to me in my class but then she switched seats, wouldnt even look at me, ignored me on campus when we saw each other. I ended up dropping that class cuz I couldnt take it. I just didnt wanna keep lying and hiding who I am (feels bad too), cuz I really liked her and wanted her to like me for who I really am, but unfortunately it usually doesnt turn out well. And her case is not the only time this has happened, I've had friends, classmates, teachers and bosses, not to forget family, look at me completely differently once they find out a lil somethin bout me, thats why I hate trusting people, i didnt do shi\* to them but they throw me out of their lives like garbage cuz I ain your average joe.
I keep saying this over and over, but do you really know what it feels like to be me? I know people have done things in the past that they dont want to share with others and its easy to say "thats the past who cares tomorrow is a new day yadayadayada" yea, its easy if the worst things uve done is somethin like stealin a video game from a store or beatin up the ugly kid, but not so easy if it involved peoples lives (directly or indirectly), and not to forget the fact that ive been hurt physically, and mentally, tremendouly, which is why I got away from that sort of life style, and now i am all alone nowhere to go.
dont get me wrong, ive done a lot of things people have suggested, im not like some of the people who come on this forum complaining and never taking peoples advice seriously...ive done things like writing down your thoughts, different relaxation methods, MAKING A FLASHCARD EVERYDAY WRITING 1 GOOD THING ABOUT YOURSELF haha that was some bullshit, smile even tho its fake...this is the part when my psychiatrists and therapists waved their white flag, so yea...I'm doing everything I can, but everyday I just get worse. i dont know what else I can do, im stuck.