I am seeing a guy who also has a daughter. She is 13 and he has basically raised her by himself. Her mother left when she was 1 and left forever when she was 5. He never remarried, and is "unexperienced" in the relationship thing. We chose to move in together, and I LOVE his daughter, she is a typical 13 year old, girl questions, girl probs, she comes to me with all of it. She is very fragile imotionally, and her dad is very harsh. Her "imotional weakness" drives him nuts, and the two of them bicker like 3 year olds. My kids were raised VERY different, they are independant, strong willed, and NOT afraid to speak their minds. Yet, that is beginning to drive him nuts too.I am very happy with how my kids are doing, they are involved in sports, volunteer at a horse rescue, play music, and are raising some of their own amimals ( includes, doing odd jobs for neighbors, crocheting to sell items, and such to PAY for the expenses of their OWN animals) Quite busy kids, but, they are also honor roll students, and help out around the house and such. His daughter on the other hand (not that there is anything wrong with her) STRUGGLES in school, argues about doing any of the chores, and because she is so fragile, she cries at every confrontation. normal kid stuff so far...Here is the problem...Finally!!!He and I are starting to fight about the kid stuff. His insecurities about me and my friends are starting to show through, and I am finding that even though we get along on so many other points, these 2 things are HUGE...and I consider breaking up with him, but stay often times because of his daughter. Weird, I feel like she REALLY NEEDS ME, but don't feel that my kids NEED him. He isn't bad for them, but they don't need a father, they both have one. I try talking to him, without damning him, but he is VERY defensive about his positions, he bickers with his daughter, makes her cry then yells at her for crying. This hurts everyone, and flat out pisses me off! She deserves better. Last night, he screached at her because "dishes should have been done 15 minutes ago". When she said she was done, I said COOL! and she whined out an Im sorry to him, and he flipped! He is tired of hearing "im sorry" and according to him "not improving". They faught for like 15 minutes because she is "too slow, too whiney, and better figure out how to do better". I asked him if he has always done this to her and he said yes....scary.. then I asked him if she has changed at all...he said no...I said that it isn't working then, maybe should try something else...he said that he would keep doing it his way till it did work!To me, "insanity-is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result". Can't say that his daughter is the only reason I stay with him, but our relationship is on a downhill slide, because I have male friends (actally, all my REALLY good friends are male) and he is getting jelous of them...I think its because he and I are having probs, and I turn to my friends more now, because I need the support, but I am not insecure about that stuff, so I don't understand him...that is the thing that will probly break us up...Is it wrong that I double my effort, and patience, and put up with stuff that I ordinarilly wouldn't because I care so much for his daughter? Do you think it will be damaging to MY kids to continue this? I am a grown up, and so is he, our shit is on us, but what about the kiddos, they unfortunatly are just along for the ride..
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No Games please, this is serious!!
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A blended family is often extremely difficult to make work. Only through couciling for your boyfriend and his daughter is it possible to start to heal. I mean they need help NOW! They have to work together on the same page or things will get much worse later. I'm not telling you to leave him, but if he refuses help, you will drag your children down into mess and they will need counsiling too and you as well.My first marriage lasted 10 years of hell. We had our first daughter at 19yrs old. My ex was very messed up due to childhood rape and physical abuse. So she was hard on her physicaly. Everything happened while I was at work, but I knew she was also mentally abused too. Once we had our second daughter, she seemed like a better mom to her. I tried very hard to help my ex to be a normal person. She went to therapy which made it worse. Eventually, after three breakups, we separated the final time. I have both children living with me full time. At a visitation with her mom, my oldest daughter was molested by her boyfriend.Thier mom hardly ever calls anymore and hasnt had a visitation in years under court order they have to supervised.I met my wife a year later. She has two children with both different fathers, only one of her children live with us. My daughter is very messed up due to her abuse. She is doing much better now after many therapists and councilers. But she instantly grew attached to my wife and wouldn't let her go, although they may argue a little, both love each other. We are a family unit now and no one is treated better than the other. My wife and I trust each other not to cheat and lie. I never have to question her if she goes out. I also have been going to counciling with my daughter so we both can come to terms and cope with the past, and to bring us closer. Things are actualy working great now.Your boyfriend MUST help himself seek help before he destroys his daughter's humanity. He should not be that inncecure himself, it is bad for your relationship. Tell your boyfriend to go for help or you will leave him. That may sound harsh, but maybe it'll be a wake up call for him. It's too bad that you can't just take his daughter with you if you breakup, unless he would agree to it through court, but that would be another whole can of worms. Too many ex's and or fathers spoiling the broth is too tough for anyone to handle without help. Good Luck
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yeah counseling is right. I have seen this before and when the couple came out of counseling they were so happy. So I fully approve of that being a wise course of action.
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Thanx to all of you. I LOVE my girls. I AM trying to get him to go to counseling. I so beleive in it. I was married for 7 yrs to a man who had 2 girls from a previous, I still get to see them, their mother appriciates that I am part of their life...SO tec..that makes 5 girls on my team..LOLI know that I am not the greatest person on earth, but I know that this kiddo needs me. I will try some more with the counseling, it saved my sanity during my divorce, so I do beleive in it. I also know that blending families is HARD, HARD work..as I said, 5 on my team...I do really appriciate the input...More worried about the kid, than the relationship...weird huh?
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First of all, from one mom to another, hon I think you are doing one amazing job raising your girls - I think we both seem to share the same basic values and our kids sounds alike in a lot of ways. As for the relationship and his daughter, if you lose the relationship would you lose contact with his daughter? (just wondering) He sounds like he hasn't had a very good role model in parenting himself, and, he has had to cope with raising he daughter by himself, and rejection of her mother etc.....however, this does not make what he is doing to her right. I have a blended family, and it is hard, but hard work on your part may not be enough to change his views on parenting. There is only so much you can do and your girls can take before it starts to affect everyone.I think that, if you weren't such a good mom, maybe his failings wouldn't be so highlighted, but you are, and I think there is a bit of jealousy there on his part cos you have something with your kids that he just can't have with his daughter. I really really feel for you hon, but i don't think there is an 'answer' to this one, you just have to do what you feel is for the best, for everyone hugs
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Thanx hugs back at ya...I try! I don't know that he was taught bad parenting skills per-say. But he was an only child, with a mom and dad that were together and there for him while he was growing up...Maybe it is just frusterating from the getgo that he has been a single parent..Hmmmm Counseling sounds better and better!!!! His daughter is in counseling...Would it be wrong to be a butinsky and bring this to her counselors attn?
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fuck counselling, that will solve nothing. this dood thinks he is king of the castle and that what he thinks is 100% right. break up with him and pull aside his daughter and ask if she would like to come w you. i guarentee she will. and off you go on your merry way.
either that or he blaims the daughter for his ex and constantly reams her out because of it
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Last...She has to give it a try, I mean to help get him into therapy. She can't simply take someones child away and everything would be good. It never happends that way, and besides, then she will be always haunted by her new ex.
They have to try before they give up. -
Thanks ninja...LOL wish it really was that easy last! Still wondering though if I should stick my nose into his daughters counseling..??
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you don't have to stick your nose into the daughters counselling, but you can talk to the daughter about it
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never thought i would say this but i agree with last Talk to his daughter about it, she may invite you to be part of the councelling etc......i get the feeling she thinks a lot of you hon.....or just you and she talking might help, without the councelling thing being a factor. I actually think out of all of you, he needs to see someone lol this is a lot to take on your shoulders hon, but I am glad you can share it with us big hugs
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In reply to:
break up with him and pull aside his daughter and ask if she would like to come w you. i guarentee she will. and off you go on your merry way.
Come with her? Where? To live with her? You really think this guy, even though he argues with her, is just going to give up custody of his daughter and let her go live with someone else? Sheesh
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Gosh guys, I can't say it is getting any better...I got to go to lunch with my best friend, 15yrs my bf has never met him, and he's getting all uptight. They will meet, but the reason I saw my friend alone was because he is having marriage troubles, and was needing a trusted shoulder. When stuff like this erks the bf,,, he takes it out on his daughter! I am getting SOOOOO pissed!!! So far he hasn't started in on mine (kids). Feeling like it is on a downhill slope...and fast!
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I Feel as if he is abusing you and his daughter emotionally... This could soon lead to physical abuse.. I'd be careful.. maybe talk to him about going to counciling with her
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Pepsi...I am 15 years old and most parents bicker and yell at their children about small things like that...but if it is every nite then i think you should have a get together with your boyfriend and a counselor...I know in school whenever I have a problem i go to my counselor and it always helps even if it only helps a little...It seems to me that parents try to be really nice to their children(maybe not in this case, i dont know) and eventually they just lose it and have to yell at the kids. If he constantly yells at his kid and fights with her a lot, he needs some professional help from a counselor. I hope anything that I said helped and I know you probably dont want to listen to what a 15 year old has to say, but I think i can see it from his childs point of view.
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I do listen to the kids! LOL That is why this is SOOO difficult for me! I just handle stuff very differently. Like I don't "give my kids a chance to lie", he does. Example; I KNOW that there is a homework assignment that the kid hasn't done. I just tell them to get it done, and let me see it when it is. I know that the kiddo doesn't want to do it, but little argue, no chance for a lie.On the other hand, Dad will know that the kid hasn't done an homework assignment, and ASKS the kid if all the home work is done. Kid being kid, will say ya its done. She doesn't want to do it, and thinks MAYBE this time I can get out of it. Fight ensues, and persists.This is why I agree with the counseling thing. I think his daughter has gotten away with lying, and such before, and now it is worth the gamble to her. On the other hand, she IS old enough that it is frusterating to us both. But she doesn't lie to me...just her father. We do have different parenting styles, but he just gets plain abusive at times.Again thanks for the info...from all of you
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By the way Pinkranger. I DO see it as abusive, it is getting to the point that I want to get them into counseling together, and run like hell....
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i think you may have mis-understood what I wrote...I meant that you might not want to listen to me for advice...but you are completely right...I do the same thing with homework, but I still get it done...I dont think that he hasnt had enough parenting experience, but he just doesnt understand that that is not what he should be doing...If you do go with him for counseling...you should also ask him (while you are there) if he maybe was abused as a child or his parents were like that...I know its a longshot, but it might be what is going on...
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Perhaps he doesn't see what he's doing. Sometimes when you say things they don't sound the same way in your head. Try taping him. Show him what he's doing. Or what about this? If you put the files on the computer, tell him to come and talk with you about it. When he says something reply with his own words. Name the files after what he's saying and just reply to him with his own words. After a bit ask him if he thinks his daughter might feel the way he's feeling when he says those things to her. Basically the guy just needs to buy a clue. I'll send you a dollar. lol
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Hey! That dollar hasn't shown up yet! :laughing:
Anyway...weekend was busy, Bf worked saturday, and one of my neighbors came over and helped me mow, he got to really interact with the girl. There were NO probs with her. And my neighbor knows a little about my situation, he spent the evening while we were bbq-ing bragging to my bf about what a wonderful girl he had, and how she just needed to be left alone once in a while to make her own mistakes, that she is no longer a child and that she needs teaching BEFORE she becomes a rebel who can't be taught. And how that teaching doesn't come from always telling them what to do. My neighbor, let on that he heard some of the bickering and such, and told my bf that he and his daughter used to do the same thing and now she is 25 and they haven't spoken in 7 or 8 yrs.
WAS incredibly helpful for my bf to hear these things from another man...I just hope it stays in there. Thanx guys, again for all the responses on this. I like the recorder idea if it doesn't last...
Getting the bf to counseling is proving to be a challenge.