Your best joke.

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Alright people lets here'em. I need a good laugh in the morning.

I've got plenty of funny jokes, so I'll post a few tonight.In reply to:EquipmentA couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her."I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. In reply to:Amish HeaterAn Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.Again, the next day, the boyfriend is driving with the daughter and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid." She once again, gave her standard advice.Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?" The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered ... do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?" In reply to:Daddy's Home!"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?""No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!""Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now.""Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house.""Okay Daddy!"A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy.""And what happened?""Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore.""I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?""He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."Long pause.Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?" Remember, these are all jokes so dont get offended.

ok. none of u ladies get mad at me..ok but here it goes.wight i forgot that one. lol ok so how about this one. i bet almost every one's heard it thought.3 women are at home sitting down stairs. 1 is a red head, one is a blond and the other has dark hair. (it's just easer to say hair color than lady 1, lady 2 bla..bla..) so the blond gets up and sais her friends, i'm sleepy. i'm going to go to bed. she gets up and goes up the stairs to her bed. but she stops half way and askes. where was i going?. the dark haird lady sais, to bed. so the blond goes to bed.the red head gets up and tells the dark haird lady , i'm thursty. she goes into the kitchen. In the kitchen she yells back to her friend (the dark haird lady) why am i inthe kitchin? the dark haird lady reminded her she was thursity and was getting something to drink.then the dark haird lady says to her self while knocking on the wood table, i hope i never get like that. THEN she gets up to answer the door.LMAO!!!

Lmao that was good

I thought these were funny (no offence to anyone)...Joke 1:3 nuns were sitting on a bench at a park one day. They're sitting there talking when all of a sudden a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third nun's arm was too short.Joke 2:It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church toask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finallythe priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", hesaid, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me whatyou did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest andsays, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did youdo, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up atheaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink theholy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietlyunder her breath.The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for Ihave sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was drivingmy brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighborsdog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. Bythis time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for Ihave sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Lastnight, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven fora full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holywater." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tearsrun down her cheeks.The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."Joke 3:One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg."In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones."Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin."Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who isyour redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones."God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin."Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!""Amen," replied the congregation.Maybe those will make you chuckle ^_^

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?He used to lie in bed at night wondering if there really was a dog.

Ha ha ha ha! That was a cute one HelmsmaN ^_^

I've been using this a lot lately.My close guy friend will say, "So, what are we all doing tonight?"And then I say, "What do we do everynight? Fuck your sister!"Not the best joke, but everyone gets a kick out of it except him. heheh.

I love the fist joke, Unforgetto lol Heres moreIn reply to:Large PlaqueOne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex.""Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque."What is this?" Alex asked."Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?" In reply to:New BabyMichael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.The doctor walks in and Michael asks "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."In reply to:Van Gogh's FamilyAfter much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:His obnoxious brother, Please GoghHis dizzy aunt, Verti GoghThe brother who ate prunes, Gotta GoghThe brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' GoghThe grandfather from Yugoslavia, U GoghThe brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue GoghThe cousin from Illinois, Chica GoghHis magician uncle, Wherediddy GoghHis Mexican cousin, Amee GoghThe Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin GoghThe nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar GoghThe constipated uncle, Cant GoghThe ballroom dancing aunt, Tan GoghThe bird lover uncle, Flamin GoghHis nephew psychoanalyst, E GoghThe fruit loving cousin, Man GoghAn aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto GoghThe little bouncy nephew, Poe GoghA sister who loved disco, Go GoghHis Italian uncle, Day GoghAnd his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay GoghIn reply to:Ugly BabyA woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.""You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!" I'll post more later

haha! Let me hold your monkey that cracked me up

OMG !!!! Keep them comming LMAO!!!!!

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."49. "That works better the other way around."48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated"46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."45. "All right, already. I came!"44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!" 42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position.36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."35. "Bring in the Gimp!"34. "Hold that pose!"33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."31. Sing "Shake your bootie."30. "A little to the left."29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?" 28. "Is there room for two in there?"27. "Two words: penis extension."26. Invite others in as a cheering section.25. Charge admission at the door.24. Make and hold up score cards.23. All of them should read 6.9.22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.21. "Maybe it would help if you..."20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."19. "That's what you call erect?"18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"14. "May I cut in?"13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'7. "Let's make a sandwich!"6. "Is that hard enough for you?"5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"4. "I think you dropped something."3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

lol, I have a really corny sense of humor....well here goes:

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9..... (get it? seven ate nine)

Why couldn't g-unit get on the bus?
Because they didn't have 50 cent!

lol, I hope Last isn't too upset that you told his business.

LMAO, thats funny! I love that joke, I'm gonna tell everyone that at parties!!!

Superman was sitting in the bar, drowning his sorrows. Batman walked in and said “hey Supe, what’s up buddy?”Superman said, “It’s Wonderwoman, I’m so hung up on her and I don’t think she even knows I exist.”Batman puts his hand on Superman’s shoulder and says, “That’s rough buddy, but sitting here and drinking won’t help. Why don’t you head on home and things might look better in the morning.”Superman agrees and shakily takes to the air. On the way, he gets it in his head that maybe, if he goes to talk to Wonderwoman, maybe he can get somewhere.He lands on her balcony and looks in. To his amazement, there she is, naked on her bed with her legs spread wide. His hammered mind starts thinking… hey, I’m Superman, I could be in and out before she even knows what happened.So he quietly pushes the door open and ZAP-BANGA-BANGA-BANGA-ZOOOOOM he’s gone.Wonderwoman suddenly sits up and says “What the hell was that!?”The Invisible Man screams “I don’t know but my ASS SURE HURTS!!!”

LMAOTwo guys are in a bar on the top floor of a large skyscraper, and one turns to the other and says, "Ya know, at this height, if you jump out that window the air currents will catch you and throw into the floor below us." The other man looks at him and says, "Yeah, right!. Prove it!" So the first guy stands up, prepares himself then runs at the window and jumps out. He dissapears from view. Then 30 seconds later he comes strolling through the door and sits back down at his seat. "Thats incredible!!""Go ahead and try it, its so much fun." So the other guy stands up, prepares himself, runs full speed at the window and jumps. He falls straight down and splatters himself on the road below.The barman turns to the first man and says, " Ya know, you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman."

Heres a stupid joke.Knock KnockWhos thereOrangeOrange who ?Orange ya glad i didn't say banana silence

You messed that joke up sooo much!!!!Knock KnockWho's there?BananaBanana who?Knock KnockWho's there?BananaBanana who?Knock KnockWho's there?BananaBanana who?Knock KnockWho's there?OrangeOrange who?Orange ya glad I didn't say banana!

Sorry , i heard jimmy from South Park say it the other way.