I hate when it gets to the point where i post here... but i'm here again... So here goes...
First understand, i'm not doing what alot of the emo's here do and threaten people i don't know with my own demise, that said.
I will begin, I still deal with suicide and depression on a regular basis, it's more of a dull numbness thats always there.
But more recently i've been good, i haven't let things get to me, I let life be life and let things happen...
It seems that by hiding/ignoring all the bad in my life i've driven away everyone and everything i love. I haven't spoken to my best friend in weeks...He was living with me and we had a falling out, he now wants me dead...
I'm a severely untrusting person, there are only 3-4 people i really talk to, or should say talked to.
Second is my VERY longtime friend, who i realize i've been driving away slowly, without realizing.
The third is a girl who I feel deeply for, and most of the reason this is being written, Until today, it's been, at least i still have her, But today she said something, that changed everything, She made me smile, she made me laugh... God i think i loved her... But now thats gone too...
So here i sit reflecting, and bitching on some forum...
I don't want to kill myself, which is somewhat unusual for me... I've come to realize life is an amazing beautiful thing, It's my life i can't take.
Everything that makes me happy is always out of reach, or not possible.
I'm sick of waiting for something better. i'm tired of being so numb... at least when i wanted to die there was some passion in it, I can't even fucking cry...
It seems everything i do lately is me trying to kill time, Like when you're waiting for something to happen and just wasting time... Until i stop and think about it, and realize i'm not waiting for anything.
I'm not sure if it's related, but i'm not even horny lately, it's like i'm not even allowed that joy anymore...
I'm so sick of this, Sick of waiting for something better, Sick of it never coming, Sick of feeling dead inside.
I just want to be happy, seems thats to much to ask...
So here i sit, typing away, so a bunch of people who don't give a fuck can read this...and pretend to care... and for some reason that gives me relief and solace.
God i feel so alone... I look at my phone, and think of all the people who used to call to talk to me, and everyone i would call... and realize, theres noone for me now. I'm truely alone.
Sorry if this sounds cryptic, or whatever else, i just wrote... and kept writing, And i needed to put it somewhere... Sorry for wasting your time.