MY PAIN JUST WON'T GO AWAY..... A laugh can hide a cry A smile can hide a teareveryone knows i wanna disapearmy life is screwed up i hate the worldlife is just a twirleverything changes nothings the same my life is so grey the pain wont stopit wont go away i cant take it anymorei wanna get away take me out of this dark black holeI need a savior to free my soulso please help me if u can i really need a hand my life is so grey my pain just wont go away ....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~thanks 2 those who talk w/ me thru my difficult times - you know who you are ...Dad is acting wierd today i not sure why, i hate when dad is paranoid... he is back 2 measuring dirty footprints on the floor , going thru my email and mom's , listening to my phone calls ..calculating how long it will take Mom and/or I to get home, and if we aren't home on time - he has a fit. I just wrote an long entry and it got erased, that pi$$es me off.I hate my dad ... sure i do love him sometimes when he is sober and not paranoid - which is hardly ever anymore.. i wish people who see thru my emotion mask and see that i'm crying and screaming inside so nobody can hear me . there are days i pray for GOD to kill me or take me " home " early ... there are times i wish he would answer that prayer .. and there are times i thank him for not answering that prayer.when someone says Anna how are you , and i say i'm ok - that usually means i hurting inside but don't wanna worry you . the next time i say i'm ok , i give you permission to ask if everything is really ok .next week , i think Tuesday i'm suppose to get my guitar .. so far in my guitar fund i have $ 502.78 saved up , i'm so proud of myself to be able to save that money up and not spend it .lately i've been thinking about changing my mind about starting my 1st job .. the yelling has got worse since he found out i got hired .. the less control he has over me the worse the yelling gets.i wish someone can see thru Dad's emotion mask , and get him the help he needs.. if though he won't admit he needs help.i'm thinking about when i go to California in October or November 2005 about staying there, so i can get out of this house ...i can't deal with this sh*t anymore .i'm thinking about going back to SI .( self injury ).. because i feel its the only thing i can control anymore . sometimes i injure myself as a release , sometimes i injure myself as a punishment .