Im going to be open here
Yes, like VERY open, but I do want feedback... Words of people who dont even know me... Third person help..
So please reply.. This is a long read, but I believe a worthy one. Id especially hold dear responces from girls, for perhaps they can give me a better reply, or more objective one. But please, everyone who has time, please read through and reply.
Im trying to convince myself that this never happened, for it seemed somewhat unbelievable, but here goes... This is about me, and a girl, and those ten days where we walked together. Im telling you people this because even though its over, it still burns and still hurts in those moments where you remember. She was dark haired, slightly below average in height, beautiful girl.
As a sidenote, before this, Ive had two girls. Im a 21 year old student, and I broke up with my last girl about a month before xmas, it just didnt work out for me.
I was getting my life back on tracks, and studying went real well. But things tend to change overnight in this life, and that was one of those days. Day before, I had commented a girl in one of those "rate-my-pic" sites thats very popular in my country. I commented her for she was my coursemates best friend, the one he called his sister-he-never-had. They are really close. So I read her description that was written by that same guy, and commented her, saying that I envy those who know her.
No I did not expect to get feedback.
But there she was, the next day jumping into my MSN account. My coursemate panicked, but it didnt matter. There she was. Now, this was one of those instances that seemed strange, felt strange. I dont know why, but we got really close really fast. I mean, we didnt talk about things like life or weather or school or anything. It took us about couple of minutes to touch the matters of soul, dreams, beliefs. That felt weird, kinda shaky, but it also felt awesome since it was something different. Actually, for years people have said that I have this skill to get really close to people in short amount of time if I put my heart into it. Been said that I know persons deepest fear, or happiest dream without knowing where he or she works. But this was not the exact case here, for she seemed like the same way. So we talked, up to 4AM in that night for six hours straight.
Next morning she sent me some mobile messages, and there was a brief phonecall the day after that. We talked all but one night after that for four days on MSN. Really got to know her. It also got very personal, and I learned of facts that later on forced this cold shower to come down.
Im going over the line here, but Ill paste some lines from our MSN chat, so you could perhaps understand it a bit more.. Its not straight timeline, just some things worth noting down.
(this is all translated to english with the best of my capabilities) (* is my comment)
[22:08:03] christina: firstly... Im speechless
[22:08:11] christina: secondly... Im still speechless..
[22:08:25] christina: thirdly...
[22:08:38] christina: I cant still say anything but miaow
(*she used to say "miaow" when she was like "touched")
[22:12:55] christina: You can make girls blush...
Honestly, the last time I blushed behind a computer was in
ninth grade, if not before...
(*How I did that, Ill really not go into details, but it was
[22:20:31] christina: I thought people like me are gone from
(*We were really similar in ways that are hard to describe.
This was one of those instances where it was recognized)
[22:47:56] christina: no.. I dont like kids...
[22:48:00] christina: õnnel: I adore them...
(*something that in one bad way is part of the heavy rain that caused it all to end)
She may not ever have kids of her own... She has a threat to get a cancer, which would result that her (medical name of the place where kids grow inside) has to be operated and removed. The thing was that she at this very moment had the chance to have a child, since she doesnt have the cancer yet, and she has planned to get one this year with a guy she knows for a year. This guy though is a bastard (according to my course-mates words), but christina has planned this for so long and has decided that she would grow the child alone if necessary. But Ill continue with some paste's:
[23:18:31]Chris /välk : And Id be there listening to your every word..
[23:19:12] christina: You are so sweet
(*She said that I should stop her everytime She talks about
kids, her aunts kid in particular, whom She raised past
[15:25:01] christina: I know Im going to be late, but
I cant leave... I know Im going to be late, but nothing
wont change, for its good to be here with you...
(*these are lines of a song she said to me before leaving
[22:13:59] christina: Honestly, Ive been sleeping most of the
day... Got to rest.. My brother with his friend came over here
tonight, and prepared for party with Thomas... But I
slept... If their noise troubled me I snuck to the far
corner of my bed, blanket over my head and read your
messages... Smiled and fell asleep again...
(*Thomas is the guy whom shes been with for a year)
[22:48:34] christina: haige: theres nothing special in me..
Im a regular person...
[22:49:02] Chris: You make me smile...
[22:49:30] christina: haige: And You make me smile...
[22:49:40] Chris: You make me smile in my heart...
[22:50:21] christina: haige: You make me smile in my heart too
[22:53:54] christina: haige: And You are so dear to me Ive
never said anything like this to someone I know just a few
[03:27:03] Chris: I feel relieved... Go to sleep
darling, and see something good in dreams...
[03:27:21] christina: aww... that letter You sent was so
[03:27:42] christina: Ill go to sleep only if You will
and promise me that youll meet me in Your dream...
[03:28:11] Chris: Promise.. Always
[03:28:18] christina: thanks
[20:23:30] Chris: If you ever have enough of me
or if Im bothering You, just say something very very
[20:26:14] christina: U wish
[20:26:33] Chris: I wish for many things
[20:26:58] christina: things like.. ?
[20:28:15] Chris: Things like You... Things like
happyness and joy, family and kids, wish for love...
[20:31:55] christina: miaow
[20:32:23] Chris: Why so sad?
[20:33:16] christina: Because... miaow
[20:33:58] Chris: And why "miaow"
[20:34:32] christina: Because... Hard to say...
[20:35:19] christina: Just that you want the same things
that I do.. I dont... miaow... Lets not speak
of this, not today, not here and now...
[21:27:56] christina: :$
[21:28:32] Chris: Dont blush... Smile
[21:29:34] christina: no one has for a very long time
told things like this to me... No one has given me a
compliment for so long.
[21:29:50] christina: You make me feel special...
It did go personal though I didnt expect it to go so far before actually meeting her... But this was a situation of two souls dancing, nothing more to it..
[21:45:31] christina: And I fear I have to stay away
from you... But after these few days its really hard and that
makes me sad...
(*this is a series of hard-tough points during our chat one
evening that went a bit too far)
[21:52:39] christina: I cant say that... I can say
that I can not, but I cannot say that I dont want to fall
[21:53:48] christina: But Im not afraid... For some
reason I know you would never hurt me... Dont know why, but
Im so sure of it...
[22:14:36] christina: Because.. You are too special
for me... But Im not available... Its hard to explain,
even harder to live within it... But you shouldnt
understand the line "im not available" wrong... Im
involved, but :'(
[22:14:46] christina: Why does it have to be so hard :'(
(*too far like that)
As I reply I said that I understand She has found someone special, and can accept that. She replied:
[22:25:22] christina: "Youve found someone special" -
You dont know how much that line hurts me.. How hard I want
someone special and how far away I am from it right now...
Maybe its closer than I think, but its not Tom
[22:28:37] christina: No You did not scratch my heart...
You did somethng much much worse... You touched it...
[22:28:57] christina: In the way no one has done in a
long long time...
It went way too personal for my taste... But it felt "right" in the every step, even on this hard one..
[22:44:20] christina: Maybe because... Maybe because
I would want that someone like You, that You would fall in
love with me... Maybe that made me sad, maybe that took the
smile off my face
[23:05:48] christina: And I will smile. In the night
when I wake up and read the messages You have sent me, that
will put me back asleep with a smile.. But right now I cannot smile,
not through my tears...
Can you believe something going so deep deep inside with just couple of days in the MSN? This felt unreal, but nothing could help it.. But I got her mood up again...
[00:37:06] christina: And if You want to know
something, then ask! Ask whatever you want without worrying
that it may hurt me. WIthout worrying that it would lose my
smile, because even if the smile may go away and I may be
sad, but it will pass because Ill feel You are here with me
(*this sort of innocent happyness)
[03:24:06] christina: Please try to sleep darling..
[03:25:03] christina: And know... That You are in my
thoughts, and in my heart..
A small bit from the email She sent me:
"But right now Im smiling, for Im happy Happy in the
purest meaning of the word. Since losing Mike (*her first
love, three years) I could never imagine that I could meet
someone who could make me happy like this But right now,
[20:08:10] christina: Yes I know You are there... But
it would be better if You would be here
[20:11:06] christina: Right now? Id sing about You
[20:11:14] christina: About kids and love..
[20:11:25] christina: about warmth of home and family...
Chris: Dont want to make you cry...
Dont want that my questions cause you harm...
[21:00:19] christina: No, its good to talk about Mike...
[21:00:52] christina: Havent told anyone... Havent found
anyone I could talk to about this...
[21:01:00] christina: You are special..
[22:09:09] Chris: Panic? Why are you in slight
[22:09:25] christina: because of tomorrow
[22:09:37] Chris: Yes, but why?
[22:10:00] christina: Somew: Im thinking... Who would get here
first, You or ralphie (Ralph - the coursemate I was talking
[22:10:11] christina: And what to do in both cases...
[22:10:54] christina: At some point I think itd be better
if Ralph would get here first... I could be nervous
together with him, and hed just laugh at me and it would
make me feel less tense... :P
[22:11:45] christina: But then again it would be better if
Youd get here first, so we could have a couple of minutes
to adjust with each other, without someone else bothering
[22:12:11] christina: But, if youd get here first, my
panic would be tripled :P
[00:41:29] christina: Somew: Thank you I dont know what I
have done to deserve You, but Im happy
These were the last lines conserning the first four or so days of our ten-day ride. It began on 10th march, evening, and we finally met tuesday on 15th. We decided that I would get to her place half an hour early. So I did, with a long red rose, which is her favorite flower. Didnt say a word, got into her apartment, thanked her for the chats and gave her the rose. Then we hugged for five minutes straight, without a single word...
It felt weird. I mean, after those days in MSN, actually meeting her and already knowing her so deep inside. We didnt talk about much during those twenty minutes before others arrived. We had planned an "Alias" evening" and my coursemate would come with some other friends. But yeah, we talked then about school and such, nothing really special, just to get being comfortable with her. The evening went fine, game was good and such. But yeah, one must have been stupid not to see what went on between me and her. Constant glances, this sublevel flirting, slight whispers or just sitting with her resting on my shoulder, or slowly grabbing the hand and such. I didnt expect it before, but so it did go and I could not have done anything about it, for it felt good. I did remember exactly what She had told me on the chat, that she is not available and that she cant go through this relationship this way, but this is the way we were that evening.
This was not all though, that evening. When others left, me and my coursemate stayed with her. It was her own apartment, so we watched tv and listened to music and such. They were two best friends, and got along really well with eachother. Nevertheless, apparently SHe didnt want us to go home that evening and when night arrived and she got tired, we opened the bed and went for sleep for the night. It was big enough bed for more than three people, but yeah. After thirty minutes of trying to sleep (she slept between me and my coursemate), and not being able to, I noticed she was looking at me. Deep deep into eyes. SO I returned the glance, and we were like this for many long minutes. Then She turned her back and cuddled herself against me.
I do want to repeat that Ive had two girls before, whom Ive loved. But this moment, with Christina, felt so much more special and deep.
Later that night, when she woke up, silently we flirted which ended with a soft kiss.. And this for more than once during that night.
So morning came and me and my coursemate had to go to lectures. Her work was still couple of hours off, so she didnt wake up. But when we got dressed she didnt want me to go. However, I was a bit confused after all what had happened and did decide that I need some fresh air, so I left with my coursemate.
Yeah well, theres a bad side for anything. When I was at university, I talked to her through MSN. She said that she can NEVER see me again. She said that she is afraid she will fall in love if this should continue and it is not what she wants. She said we can never meet again.
Later in the evening we talked on MSN again. Soem chat pastes here again, promise that these are the last ones:
[17:51:41] Christina: I just sat here and watched the screen, thinking wether I should reply the "hi" or not.
[17:51:44] Christina: hi
[17:52:16] Chris: Why were you thinking about that?
[17:52:44] Christina: Cause I dont know how..
[17:53:00] Chris: Neither do I..
[17:53:58] Christina: It was better at school... I wasnt crying..
[17:54:15] Chris: Dont cry sweetheart..
[17:54:33] Chris: I would like to wipe those tears..
[17:54:34] Christina: I dont have a reason not to cry
[17:55:08] Christina: I dont want anyone to wipe them..
[17:55:22] Christina: Ill let them come as they come...
[18:08:44] Beebi ja tem: I told of you to Thomas
[18:10:36] Chris: I didnt mean to come between you two, grab what is his..
I did not expect this to happen..
I was afraid, and even more so this morning..
[18:10:56] Christina: Why were You afraid?
[18:11:21] Chris: Stepping out the door, seeing Your happyness, Your peace..
And then seeing at school how broken You are..
[18:11:32] Christina: No You dont have to feel quilty about it... Because "us two"
has never been and never will be..
[18:12:03] Chris: But You would have liked to?
[18:12:40] Chris: Of course You would... Sorry..
[18:13:26] Christina: I would... Still do... But with every passing day I know it
shall never happen..
[18:20:26] Chris: But last night, I want to know if it was true
happyness I saw in Your eyes?
[18:21:51] Chris: No, dont reply... Perhaps Youll tell me this yourself one day..
[18:22:50] Christina: Yes, I was happy...
[18:55:01] Christina: And will light two candles...
[18:55:30] Christina: No, actually three candles, one for myself..
[18:55:38] Chris: Christina...
[18:55:48] Chris: No Christina... Please...
[18:56:24] Christina: And will reread all the letters...
(*Letters of Mike, love whom she had lost a year ago)
[19:29:12] Christina: I dont know what I want, I dont know what to want...
[19:29:39] Christina: But I do know what I dont want...
[19:29:54] Christina: I dont want You to see me like this...
[20:23:41] Chris: Dont know how Thomas accepted all this and how
much harm I have caused You, but I hope that Youll smile at least
once before I see You again...
[20:24:20] Christina: He didnt care...
[20:24:55] Christina: Said just that if I want to leave him then I should do so and not wait..
[20:25:02] Christina: But I did not want that...
[20:25:13] Christina: Come here...
[20:25:46] Christina: No... Sorry... I dont know why I said that...
See, Im not even crying anymore..
[20:25:59] Chris: Ill come sweetie...
[20:26:15] Christina: No... No You dont have to...
[20:26:26] Chris: But if I want to? Would You open the door?
[20:26:54] Christina: I would... Always...
At that point I honestly was confused...
But I did go to her that evening. When I entered the room there were two candles lit, and those letters all over the floor next to shoebox. And she, by the bedside, wrapped in blanket, eyes tired and crying. We didnt talk. All I could tell her, when she rested on my lap, was that there will be a day when all this will be easier on Her. But no we did not talk. She was just there, sometiems crying, at other times grabbing me strong. For two hours or so, and she fell asleep on my lap. I let her be, right there. I was just thinking, hundreds of thoughts rushing my mind. At that moment I felt Id stop anyone and anything from waking her. She was so calm when dream took hold of her. An hour later she woke though, looked better though still tired, hugged me and then we went to bed for she again didnt want me to leave. I couldnt sleep that night, I held her, and looked after her sleep. In the morning She was happy. I mean, really, really happy. Full of energy and smiles. She called my coursemate and woke him up eearly in the morning just to tell her that shes happy. Coursemate was confused for he had no idea I was at her place, but yeah. I sent her to her workplace, and we departed with a kiss, and then went to university. Where my coursemate told me that when She is happy, the entire sky is much much brighter.
And no she didnt panic that day about what had happened. I was over at her place next evening as well. WIth coursemate, for no special reason. Just being together and such. We said hello with a kiss, and that was perhaps the moment when coursemate got the "bigger picture". But now, looking back to it, I do understand why he was surprised.
Nevertheless, the next day I wasnt at her place. We had planned to meet before her going home out of town on next monday, because during the weekend her hands were tied with other matters. But that monday got canceled since apparently she got an opportunity to go home day before that. So she called me on saturday and invited me to her place to have the last evening with me before leaving. So I did. This was perhaps the first ordinary evening together :P SHe was at her puzzle, and I helped her putting it together, and then we watched steve martins movie of some sorts (which had kids in it, so She loved that). We were just talking and enjoying being with each other. Again She didnt want me to leave and I spent the night.
It went much further from kisses though... We were up the next four hours, petting.. Kisses and hugs and tender care... It did go far, but not that far... In the moment where I could have taken that step, intercourse, I didnt. It felt weird, from one side I knew that this is something Id want and it would be special, but from another side, I felt afraid how it shall affect her. I was afraid she would be more afraid than ever before, since everything that had happened still had this Thomas issue over it. I told her I dont think that is the right time, and kissed her. She hugged me and then after some minutes she cuddled again and fell asleep. In the morning she was happy again, and I sent her to work once more. I asked her the same question that I asked her during the night, I asked if shed forget me when shes far from this town. At night she said shed leave everything behind when shes at home. But at that morning she kissed and said that She could never forget even if She wanted to.
That was the moment when I fell in love..
And that was the day when it all had to end..
This was the tenth day of our meeting. Ten days, from the evening when she came to my MSN up to that letter she sent me later in the evening.
She wrote that she has never been happier before in her life... But she said that she cannot start believing in it, that she cannot change the things that she needs to change...
She said everything like that was over between us..
Ive never been hurt so much before in my life. And so confused. So I investigated the matter more.. And I found out the truth. Because she has the threat to have this cancer that would result her not ever having a child of her own, she has planned for a year to get one with Thomas. No matter what. She loves kids more than anything else in her life, and fears most that she will never have one of her own. And she knew all too well that Im not ready, for we knew each other only for ten days, and I was still a 21yo student in university while Thomas was 25. She had plans with him, plans she would not change.
It took another two weeks until we met again. Another Alias evening. But this was cold. Even in the MSN chats before, we didnt talk about "soul" anymore. Talked about basic stuff, school, work, whatever. It was too hard to look at the road where we had come from. Too hard to say something that touches a soul knowing the road it would lead to, knowing the pain it would cause. The ecening itself was fine, and me and my coursemate did spend a night at her place. But as I said, it was over. We didnt talk privately even once during those hours. I dont think I even touched her.
After that, we talked some in MSN and at some point things did touch those ten days again. I also wrote her a letter about my concerns and questions, but all that was hard to read for her. Then coursemate told me not to write her for some time so I didnt. Couple of days ago, she herself broke all ties and I didnt see her online in MSN anymore. I gave it ten days, to think, to gather my thoughts.
And I reached a conclusion that dreams cannot happen in real life. And that dream would always weigh heavily on me whenever I see her, or talk to her. I know that I could not bare looking at her and not holding anything back. It would be too hard, and too painful. for when souls dance, they are not meant to depart each other. This was painful, but with those ten days I had time to think and come to a conclusion. I knew that I cannot ever see Her again, that Id hurt her like I did with those questions and letters. I felt that this was something that is not really capable of breathing in this world, and even though it felt with those ten days more than I had felt during those long months with two of my previous girls, I knew it cannot happen, cannot live. It was not meant for this world.
So I decided to say goodbye. Get everything off my chest, and heart, and write a final letter of goodbye. A letter that would give me the chance to look at the future without doubt. It was a long letter, and a definite goodbye. This letter hurt her though. Coursemate became extremely pissed off. He said that she had not been hurt like that for many years. That she was in deep pain. And all I wrote her was what I wrote here. That I could not look at her without feeling those ten days, that I could not think of her and not think of what she has said or done. I said that all Ill have of her with me, is whats in my thoughts and whats in my heart. I told her that I wish all her dreams would come true, for I believe she is the only one in this world who has the "right" for her dreams to come true. Told her that I hope She finds what Shes looking for. TOld her that Im sorry that I promised to few, but still so much. That I gave her so few, but still too much. Told her that Im not strong enough. Then quoted the end of a poem she had herself quoted to me with a mobile message one day, with that last line stripped... This was the ending line, goodbye type of poem line. I also told her that I fell for her in that morning. And then I said 'goodbye'. Letter ending with my name entirely spelled, and not just the initial as was my custom.
This letter had caused her such pain, adn she was hurt... When I heard of this, I was thinking that I should have never done that. I should have lived with my questions, with my burden for the rest of my life. As long as She feels happy, or at least better. But the letter was done, and goodbye was said. It was over, and my sould could finally move on. No dream can survive this real world.
It changed me. Ive told myself that Ill never again believe that there is just "one" person for each of us in this world. I dont want to believe that. For I know that Christina was that "one". She was the person with whom I could pull down all my walls, and feel stronger. She made me feel special.
As I said, Ive fallen in love, and Ive Loved before. I still care deply for those two girls. But Christina was different, I fell in love yes, but it was more than that. But it was not Love, could have been if it had enough time. But I dont know, She was my soulmate.. But these souls arent dancing anymore, and I force myself to believe that there is no such thing as "one".
But yeah, I got this off my chest now. To you people.
I hope there was at least one person who read through all this. Id like replies, especially from girls. Perhaps I can understand the situation more this way. But objective replies are welcome by whoever wishes. No matter what You'd say.
DREAMS DONT survive in life, feedback please :(
Im going to be open here
Wow I can't believe I just read that whole thing... took some 20 minutes :P
I don't really know what kind of feedback you're looking for... but I just think it's too bad that it had to end... while I was reading it I thought there was going to be a "happy ending" but it didn't ... too bad...
I think this christina girl needs to get her priorities straight... she obviously liked, if not loved, you ... but she still had these plans with Thomas... yuo never said how she felt about Thomas so I don't really know...
Still searching ...
Im also not sure what feedback Im looking for, just some third-person opinion since my own mind and thoughts have crumbled under it awhile ago already.
She and Thomas... Well when she lost Mike, a three year old relationship she thought was going to be her future (and her sayings where she says that she hasnt felt this special for a long time, do reference that period as the "long time"), it was the same year she found out she has a threat for cancer.
Now she lost Mike partly because of her own mistake, but thats just her own perspective and I dont know the whole thing. Mike went to the army for a year and it had its effect on him Im sure. I know it had its effect on me a year ago. But yeah, Mike was her true love, so to speak.
It was a tough year for her. She raised a kid for the summer as I said before, had custody over him, but it was taken away after the real mother started "playing good". She loves kids more than anything, has worked in the kindergarden and such.
So Thomas was in her life in the moment when she was weak and had lost Mike, and when she had found out that she may never have a child of her own. Coursemate says that Thomas is indeed a jerk, but Christina cares for him because of the plan to have a baby. Coursemate also said that she doesnt care about being with Thomas for the rest of her life or anything, and that she probably plans to raise the kid with her mom anyway.
Its a confusing situation. What I can make of it is that I came to her life in a situation where she had her future planned, gave her ten days of this what she thought was so lost in this world, but still tghis crumbled beneath her plans and hope to have that child.
I dont know what she actually feels for Thomas. She must feel something at least, no matter how much shed want the kid. But yeah, dont really know.
All I know was that I saw her eyes and I saw happyness in them. I saw hope.
All I know is that she said she had not felt this way for a long time.
And all I know is that she didnt let all this take away her planned future.
This is the "feedback" im giving myself, the thoughts I carry. The thoughts that let me write that letter.
What Im looking for here, is third person feedback, and what you guys/girls think. I dont expect all of you to give objective replies or anything, for people have experienced different things in their life, seen things different way, but yeah.
This was a dream, and I respect her for not being able to give it a longer chance. I know how much she loves children, I know this in a way that I cant really write it down. I mean, even in a dream, after ten days, being as young as I am, I doubt anyone can take such a step and leave behind the plans she has for her future.
What I made her feel aside, what she made me feel aside.. This is one year and a hope for a child compared with ten days, as it is...
I know I could have given her the baby, God knows how much I wanted to, and still do deep inside. But I also know that I know her deep inside, and that is why I knew it can never happen. She wants her planned future to continue, and even if shed want me to be there for her, I know it would only hurt because of what might have been if those days were allowed to continue.
I saw something in those ten days that I can never forget. Things Ill carry with me for the rest of my days. Things that wake me up at night and realize that she is not there. In months and years, these moments occur less, but they will always be there.
I know this as much as I believe in all this to have been a "dream". Because, in truth, this was a dream. I was with her and left my other life behind the doors. Like she, with me she forgot everything that waits for her outside. Thomas, her plans, everything. Something like this is a dream that could not survive the cold rain of reality when those things behind the door come marching in.
And I respect her for that, for apparently she realized it before than I did. She said she was afraid to fall in love with me already in the MSN chats. But she was the one who looked deep into my eyes that one night for many long minutes. Constantly this real life shadowing, and then letting her go again.
Until the moment she stepped into real life, where her plans were and she didnt want me to follow, to change these plans. This is where my "objective mind" tries to go with thoughts. Ill always care for her, and always will have this part of my heart that loves her, just like Ill hope Ill never see Her again for it would torn apart my wounds and hers. And I would not know what I would do.
It is how it is, and thanks for reading the post. It means alot to me.
You keep mentioning that she has this threat of cancer... what does that mean and how can there be a thread of cancer? I don't know much about cancer so I don't know how it all works..
But when you say there is a threat of her having cancer it makes me believe that she might not have cancer at all? And therefore she'll still be able to have kids? Is that right?
Still searching ...
She doesnt have cancer right now. Im not good with medical terms in this, but she has a very high-risk factor. Its about her uterus.
So because of this high risk factor at this very moment she has a chance to have a baby. But she herself is kinda in between and I didnt make it any easier for her (according to my coursemate, she had never been this confused in her life until she made the decision not to let "what we had" continue).
If the risk factor will indeed turn out into a cancer someday, then she cant have babies and uterus needs to be removed. And since that risk factor not just doubled but became four times as high as it was last year, her doctor thinks it will be cancer during this year.
Its also possible to carry a child while having that cancer, though its dangerous for the child since theres a chance that child doesnt get enough food and such. As a sidenote, a girl from my univ did in fact born when her mother had that same cancer.
But yeah, she is so frightened because of that, and even though she got so confused, she apparently wants to continue with her plan, and hope, as much as possible. This is all my coursemate has been able to told me.
Coursemate expected me to lay low for a month or so and then perhaps try to become a friend or so to her, since he said that I was very important to her no matter what. But coursemate didnt really know how deep things went that last night. Nevertheless, for some reason, he hoped that whatever there was, shall be forgotten. But it was too deep to do that, and I had to say goodbye for I knew that I could never ever be with her in the same room and not thing of "that" glance.
It was obvious that she didnt want me to "go". But she herself didnt understand that I could not stay. SHe cut the ties with me for days, she was the one who could not even talk a single line about those ten days after she made her decision. It was too hard for her, and it was so hard for me, and it would have always been so.
I know I fell in love with her. For some reason I damn not telling her when I should, but then again it may have been the right decision. I dont know. Im not even sure if she fell in love with me.. Even though I may lay on top of another all these things that happened, the glances, the petting, the tender care, the kisses, the silent words...
I cant imagine person being in such a situation and not being in love.. Its hard to write about this since its so damn personal, but those silent moments... Looking at each other in the darkness of night, hands slowly mirroring the movement, playing the game how long can they stay away from each other... Or how in the second night she woke up from a nightmare, and held me so tight that I can still feel her fingernails on my back...
but Ill always remember this shadow of real life in her... As I said in my previous post, how she said on MSN that she was afraid to fall in love with me. Since this wasnt the only instance, just like after the first night she said she fears that same thing when another night like this should happen.
Even in the last night, she told me after our couple-hours foreplay how complicated her life is because Im with her. But it was she who said that at that moment she didnt want me to be nowhere else.
But with even all that, Ill never be sure if she fell in love or not. I do know though that she would have not told me, one way or another.
And it is perhaps better that I dont exactly know. Makes it easier to let go. And it has been easier.
Damn she got hurt because of that last letter (that I had handwritten and brought to her door), but I hope that through that pain, the same pain Ive felt, she understands that it is easier for her, and for me.
Her cancer was a big factor in all this. And for this I damn all life, damn that life is unfair. Dream or not.
Itll be a rough week though. She'll have a birthday next week, and during those ten days we talked about she taking me to her favorite place in her hometown to watch a sunset. Something that now wont happen.
God I hope she will have a child of her own one day. I just want her to be happy.
And life is unfair. Not because real life shattered this dream we were living. But because a person who loves kids more than anything else on this world, may not never ever have one of her own.
Its painful, for me its painful. I cant imagine how painful it may be for her.
(damnit I got to stop writing those long replies!)
Saw the birds fly overhead... In line, five of them, slowly, silently in the background of a sweet orange sky...
This post here, is just some random words put together..
Its been so long now.. There was a promise I made myself a month ago.. A promise where I told myself that I shall not wear my dogtags, symbols of my identity and the only thing Ive ever really worn in my life as a symbol, that I shall not wear them until I wake up one morning believing strong that I am myself again. This same confident person I was all this time ago. Today was this morning and I grabbed my dogtags that were hanging from the handle of my closet..
They fell from my hands and I felt deep pain within me... I really believed Im strong enough, now.. I havent been this down for a long time..
Saw a movie tonight, The Notebook, which was a dreamlike movie of one couples lifetime story. And seeing Her in every shot, hearing Her laugh in my mind, seeing Her eyes.. Im not a man who sheds a tear, I may cry inside but I never really shed a tear physically... But I guess this is just a day like that.. I think that I was wrong, I cannot never really forget... And I think I must grab my dogtags from the floor now, knowing that Ill never again be the person I was before.. Needing to accept that I am, who I am, right this very moment because of what happened, things that wont go away and will stay with me for my entire life...
It saddens me though... Cause, like in that movie, this guy never really forgot for those years she was gone. . Perhaps it must be so, for something so rare in life, to hold on to something like that for so short a period, its not meant to be forgotten.. Even if Id really want it to be so..
I dont know.. For those past two months, there have been those moments each day... Just fragments of memories, these single moments.. Something so so saddeningly simple.. Ive been able to handle those things well, but just today it hasnt been possible.. I feel such a pain inside.. And for a person who doesnt really believe in God, I pray.. Pray silently that whereever She is, that She is happy.. For I couldnt bear to know otherwise..
Damnit... For I Love Her...
Dont ask why Im writing here. its just a shout in the darkness..
She was a bird.. And I was a bird with Her..
Im.. off to bed now..
Chris, you know how to be intimate soulmates, so you can expect to find another. You've experienced the 'roller coaster' nature that can be expected in such a wonderful journey. I 'm sure that you give thanks for this magnificent journey, even though it has come to an end. Or will it continue? Perhaps!
In the meantime,
treasure every tear you shed,
looking up when you want to give up,
knowing that one day you will share your bed.
Bad Dad 2
loving nurture can't hurt ya
Thats story touched me, arg i feel very sad inside
You're here to live. So live.
omg chris, you sound like the most romantic guy every girl would want. There is no doubt that the girl you find will be bery lucky. I wish there were more like you in the world.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
- Moulin Rouge (love that movie)
That actually made me feel sick - but not with romance with sadness.
All I can say is chip up man, there's more than one girl out there and time is a great healer
You're here to live. So live.
Its not like I really can be "this way" with every girl, its just one of the things She brought out in me so well. Dont want to go that road again to explain how or why or whatever, its kinda hard to talk or write about.
Ive been "fishing" again, more or less past couple of weeks. Have met some wonderful people, but it feels just like a year ago when I was with a girl for the entire summer, had fun but it missed this deep emotional touch..
So in fact I fear hurting them. There are two interesting girls I met two weeks ago, havent seen them ever since the first time I met them, but have been writing emails and such. Its like, I dont know, they email at least twice a day, having good discussions and saying some rather interesting things but I really dont know since besides fun I dont really feel anything else. Nothing that would sweep me off my feet, so Id have to go out of the room for a while, get a glass of water and then come back.
One of them actually said in the last email that every line Ive written makes her day happier.. I mean, yes, great, if Id feel the same way, but damn... I really feel hurting them and I will ever never take advantage of anyone..
Ah I dont know.
Thanks though, especially you Stacey, you made me smile with your line