Pinkranger4: Your belief in God is not the subject here.InSearch: It sounds like there are a lot of things screwed up in your life, a lot of which are secret, and what they are is way low on the list of things I care about. But you post a lot of stuff in open forums, you start thread about youself and how you feel, etc., and without context, you have to understand how you come across, especially when you say crap like you wish everyone (except two people) would drop dead.If I remember correctly, you fired your therapist, who you hated. It's great that you've gotten help here (one-on-one, I presume; certainly not on the open forum). I don't see how you're going to become a functioning adult with the level of help you can get over the Internet. I strongly, strongly suggest you get some real life, in person counseling. If your parents can't see this, then they must be living on another planet.If you are still having flashbacks about a traumatic incident that happened when you were 11 (post-traunatic stress syndrome?), then you need help. It's just not right to still be having flashbacks about it (it's something that often happens when people bottle up thoughts about traumatic events, rather than discuss them).