Hey all I'm back and I think I need your advice again: heres the story for those just tuning in In reply to: The reason I ask is because this happened to me. And after it kinda fell apart I've been questioning what happened to me. How did she transform from a mere friend to some pure form of elegance, slowly corrupting my mind until my infatuated nature got the best of me? How does this crazy and spontaneous person I've known for months suddenly turn into this "Girl Next-door?"A logical answer is that the emotions just developed over time as we interacted with one another. That I saw desirable characteristics in her that I hadn't initially picked up on. But I don't believe this is the case because I have known her for quite some time. From the get-go I had always felt closer to her then the other women in the group but there was no desire for a relationship, she was just "best-friend" material. But I guess after I had become best friends with everyone in the group in which we all met, and still hang out with, things sorta got a little wierd.Long story short we had "the talk" and decided to stay friends. She said she doesn't know why she doesn't like me because she said I'm one of her best friends, a great guy, and really cute. After my cheeks stopped turning red I had realized she didn't know why she didn't like me, which means there is something I did subliminally to make her feel I was less suitable as a boyfriend. Another theory I have is that she really doesn't like me that way at all and does have a reason, but she knows that reason would cause me some degree of hurt\pain\embarrasment. Can any of the fine and intelligent women here on the boards shed some light on this? Any idea which of the two possibilities is more likely to be true? There has been like no progress from there really at all. She still hasn't told me why but I've never pressed the issue or really brought it up...I'm afraid she'll just get weird about everything again.UPDATE:Ok to start: I've started to like her again despite my very best efforts to not like her, but in all honesty how do you ever just turn off your emotions like that? To talk about the next problem I must first say me and my circle of friends are really really close with eachother. Another guy in this group also likes her. He thinks it isn't obvious but it's plain as day. Let it also be known: there are 7 ppl in the group, 3 girls and 4 guys. 2 guys are hooked with 2 girls which leaves me, my friend here, and this girl we both like as the only single ppl.She is usually really comfortable around any of the guys in the group. No problem with slinging an arm around her, or cuddling up during a movie at someones place, or sleeping together (I know that sounds bad but it's just sleep heh...I swear). The other girls in the group are like this too but since they got bf's in the group it's always just me or my friend who are close with her now.Lately tho this guy that likes her has been getting close like that all the time. And she still seems pretty comfortable about it even though he's laying it on pretty thick. The issue is that she gave me a big talk about how she isnt ready for a relationship and this and that, yet she hasn't been acting that way with this guy.And it's truly confusing because I regard myself as being closer with her, I talk with her more, I connect and agree with her more, we have more in common, I'm taking her to grad still (i hope), etc, etc. And not to rag on my friend but I'd also say I'm better looking. So why is it she's never chosen to spend a night with me but has every other get together with my friend? When I questioned her friends about it they insisted they know she doesn't like him and that she would really like to be closer with me the next time.So I threw my own little party and guess who was the only one who got drunk (kinda mellow party [also she doesn't drink or like the smell of booze at all])? It was him. So she had the choice between me (a sober guy who has all these great qualities) or him (drunk, mumbling in his half sleep, smelling of booze). She chose him. Now what the heck am I doing wrong?I'm beginning to feel a little left out now since there seem to be 3 couples forming out of a group of 7. I'm like the odd man out here and it's really frustrating, confusing, and depressing. Quite frankly I'm a little mad with my friend because he knows I like her yet he still proceeds without a care. Worse yet he seizes any oppritunity he gets to insult or degrade my infront of her and it's becoming extremely annoying. And I think my standing with the entire group has been falling.Yet I havn't done anything different at all! The only one who has changed is him so I know he is up to something. I've become paranoid that I often think they are going out and the whole group is keeping it under wraps because they know that if they hook up I'm leaving the group.It's a big dilemna. He likes her. Her friends, who originally felt I should go out with her and supported me, say she doesn't like him. She seems to be more comfortable around him. I'm always left out now. What do you think is going on now? Does she really like him? Do you think they are already going out? Am I being overly paranoid because another man also likes the same woman I do?Ack! Help!-HyperionPS. sorry for the lack of sophistication I usually possess...i'm nearing the edge of insanity.
-
I need your help.
-
once again, you're experiencing much of what I have went through. I got really paranoid with my best friend because him and my ex were flirting a lot. I thought to myself, "she has a boyfriend yet she messes with my best friend. There's got to be something up." Like you were talking about, I was on the brink of insanity there. I called up my best friend and threatened to come over and blow his head off with my 12 gauge shot gun. Eventually, he came over and he told me that nothing was going on, and I realize now that there wasn't.
This is where our stories split. You know this guy likes her. I think you need to confront her and ask if she thinks she's going to have a relationship with this guy. My ex flirted with my best friend a lot because she knew I still had a thing for her and I guess that changes things, so that may be the reason why she decides to hang with this other guy a lot more. For your peice of mind though, I think you should ask her what's going on.
If she is liking this guy, I think it's time for some alone time. Do things for yourself and maybe stay away from the group for a little while. I'm not saying to lose the friends you have in your group, but you need some mental time for yourself. Doing that is good for everyone.
Ok, I found myself babbling. That's it for now. Ask questions by all means.
-
Well I phoned our mutual friend and apparently she has absolutely no interest in my friend who likes her. However this does not mean she has an interest in me. We did not have enough time to discuss why she is closer with him then me but I suspect the fault lies in the shitty way things turned out, even tho we said things were not going to get weird....they did....for her obviously.For some reason I am left with a sense of anger. I don't know about what exactly but I have a feeling it's due to her cryptic ambiguity in regard to this entire situation. The fact she would get pissed off at me or get really wierded out every time I wanted a serious talk was really really frustrating even though she wasn't mad at me exactly.I thought I still liked her but ya know what, I don't want someone in my life who is too scared of something that is truly a wonderful thing. Oh I'm sure I'll still desire her but I just have to keep in mind that she isn't motivated in pursuing a relationship....with anyone...ever! And thats a big turn off cuz it says "I am not confident with myself and am afraid to take a risk on a great guy." She just cannot seem to comprehend the fact that relationships can be fun and exciting, not chancy and vague. Whatever so what, even if she's been lying to me all along and does desire a relationship with someone else I wudn't really give a shit. Sure I'd be mad she lied of course and the friendship wud prolly go to hell but the way I see it the bags are packed and we're already half way there anyway.Talked to my good friend (unrelated to any of the other friends in my circle) and he thot it was rather unhonorable for the guy to be hoping for a relationship with her when he knew of the history. And he also figures the same as I do, that she doesn't deserve Mr. Hyperion anyway if she's gonna be wierd abt shit. I dunno if it's time to burn some bridges but the thot had occured, I prolly won't tho.meh, I am rambling now! I guess I have to find me a real woman Cheers,Hyperion
-
Yep, find a girl woman that's deserving. That's what I gotta do too.
-
Hi Hyperion,Terribly sorry to hear aobut your frustrating experience. Relationships are tough, especially when the lines of communication are down and out. There's no question that you've put alot of analysis into this situation. But let's clear up one issue about your problems first: What would you like to do?BestDjango
-
I say split from the group for awhile. If they call and want to hang out, just tell them you don't feel like it, or you have plans, something like that. That way, they will start to wonder what is up, and hopefully, if they are smart, they will put 2 and 2 together and realize the distance that you and her all of a sudden have, and maybe they will call the situation out, and you can get the truth. I know it's kind of weak, having them do it for you, but hey, if you can't seem to get it out of her, maybe someone else can. Also, if you bail, and she hooks up with the other guy, and noone makes the effort to get you back in the group, then they are probably crappy friends anyway, why would you want to be with people that support crushing your feelings...
-
Sorry for the late reply, I was away from a comp for a week or so there.First Django: I am assuming your implying hobbies or interests? Well I'm into biking a lot, I trek thru forests and river valleys on a BMX (no less ). I actually find comfort in being around friends, I wasn't a popular kid in elementary school and now that I have a lot of friends I like to be around them doing anything really. Always up for new experiences ya know?But then I think, what would this have to do with the situation unless your also implying I get up and do these things. Well if what you were implying was "what would I like to do about the situation?" then I'd have to say I'd prefer me and her work this out and consider the possibilities but she's made it painstakingly clear she's not interested. I guess I wanna be her friend yea, but that old gray moment of that awkwardness will always be lingering in the darkest corners of our minds...Secondly, To Huge Jorgen,I wish it was easy enough to simply part from the group for awhile. I've always been sort of secretly insecure or unsure of myself, due in large part to my unpopularity in my earlier years. If I leave the group it may be preceived as "What an asshole, he's going to ditch us all because he can't work his problems out with her???" and thats not the position I want to take. And to be honest I think I'm on shakey ground with everyone. Something seems awkwardly different...The truly sad part is that the two of us will probably never be as good of friends as we were. I can see it all now, after graduation we'll vow to stay friends but slowly over the months our time together will slowly get shorter in length and longer between visits...until one day it's pretty much gone for good. It's not something I want but I know it's going to happen.Then I ask myself "Good God man look at yourself, would you even date her now anyway?" And to that I'd have to say no because of the past experiences...everything is different. Shes not really the person I had envisioned her to be, I thinks its more my fault. I'm a romantic and I often imagine situations in which people are portrayed in a much brighter light then they should be. I can still see a part of it in her tho, when she smiles sometimes or the look in her eye when she doesn't have a care in the world on a saturday evening. But I know it's not for me, what she has in there... whatever it is....isn't meant for me so I gotta be a man and face the facts heh. If she does like my friend, which I highly doubt at this point, then let it be. Let what is to come, come....resisting the change is just making it harder on yourself.Guess I've resigned my campaign here, gotta go find another war to fight Thx for all the thoughtful and intellectual advice you guys have generously provided out of time you weren't forced to commit. It will not be easily forgotten and I'ma be sticking around to see what else there is here Digitally Yours,Hyperion