Really deep depression

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i dont know but i was really depressed last night and i thought if i posted here i could get someone to help me. i used to do drugs a lot and i missed my 3rd year of high school and i almost didnt graduate. during that time i had a lot of mind games being played with my druggie friends and i dunno i ended up doing all this shit ah too much to talk about....but um recently ive been really depressed about how i cant move on in life. im 18, live at home,dont have a job dont have a college to go to, and most importantly i dont go out a lot. i have a small amount of friends sincei stopped doing drugs a year ago and even though these guys are great, im just not cool enough you know? everyones moving on to great shit and i duno maybe thats how they view me? yesterday i went out to the city with 2 friends and after i came back ( i whined and acted stupid a lot, like a little kid......i even look like a little kid as a matter of fact...) i realized that i was a little bitch and ruined the whole day for everyone.....every time i talk to them they just dont treat me like they do with everyone else, its like im a retard or something.....what do i do? how do i cope? i wanna move on but i cant not matter what i cant put myself to do it.

also i know i have a problem and everything and at times i could almost come with a solution to make everything better but i just cant the next morning. its like im having false epiphanies or something

Take small steps, 18, but in the right direction. First, don't try to be cool, but do try a bit (don't overdo it) to be friendly and accepting and to go along with your friends. Get out by yourself, too - just to the mall or somewhere near.What are you interested in? What sort of work would you like to do?

well i first wanted to be a video game designer when i was small, then i wanted to be a film maker then i wanted to be a psychiatrist because i wanna help people who have mental problems and now i just really dont know or care, i feel useless

Don't assume any of those are out of reach, though of course the first thing is to get the depression under control so interest and self-esteem return. Small steps are important, and any paid work at this stage will help you to feel more useful.

Don't be afraid to use anti-depressants to break the black mood and be more yourself.

I have to back up what ineligable said, the use of anti-depressant helped me to be able to step back and sort out my problems one by one, without feeling overwhelmed, hopeless and helpless..........I know i wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for Anti-depressants.

i dont wanna use anti-depressants.......you see im really silly and immature around my friends and sometimes i can be a jerk and annoying but when im alone...i start to have all these thoughts. if i cant overcome my depression without anti-depressants arent i just some guy trying to balance out his chemical balance in his brain? i want to live a life where people dont judge me and dont treat me as what i exihbit myself as....a funny little kid that has no future.

well im sitting here all alone in my house........all i keep doing is looking at my messenger window.......my friends arent on which means their out having fun.......while im here.............fuck i hate myself

Antidepressant drugs are not the be-all / end-all solution to depression. They don't help everyone. But they do help a lot of people to function and get on with their lives. If you take them, it doesn't mean you have to take them forever. I don't know why you have such strong feelings against them.You could seriously benefit from professional help (couselor / psychologist / psychiatrist). It may be helpful to share your experiences and feelings, but I seriously doubt that you will find a cure for your depression on a message board. We wouldn't be able to fix someone's broken leg either.

Don't say that. I bet you are a wonderful person. You just need to get out there and try to have some fun. So cheer up ok? I hate seeing people like this. Or it might be the fact I deal with people who are like that. Yup that.

i cant have fun by meself.........all i do is smoke non stop...its a beautiful pain the yearn the love of others but a pain that gives itself off as a dream...you want it to be real but you know it cant happen

You need to try to control it. Find a close friend. Tell them about your problem. Or a sibling. Tell them so they can help you. Sometimes you just can't do it alone.

yea ive ALWAYS wanted someone close to me to talk to about these things but there isnt anyone...my relationship with my sister is horrible and my friends just dont wanna hear about this kinda stuff...but im finding that whenever i sit down, listen to some jazz and smoke a cigarette all my problems are gone and its just so nice....

Listen to "The Nobodies" by Marilyn Manson - that'll make you feel better.