How do you know when your relationship is over?I have been living with my boyfriend for three years and in the last 12 months I have lost interest in sex. I am living away from home and miss my family and friends. At times I feel very lonely. He knows this and understands me. He is prepared to move to Italy with me next year (my native country). However, I now feel resentful towards him. I feel that he has allowed boredom to slip into our relationship and has not done enough to keep it alive.In a way, I feel he has been too passive. I have pointed out that our social life was practically inexisting, I have suggested remedies ( courses, salsa classes, etc)....Now it looks like our relationship is stale, and I don't understand wheter it is because of the boedom of because my feelings have changed
Is it over?
6 months ago, I was in exactly the same situation as you. I had been with a guy for 2 and a half years. I had lost all interest in sex. When we first got together, we were 'at it like rabbits' all the time, and eventually we had sex once every 2 weeks maximum. On your approach to loosing interest in sex, to begin, you have to think about what it does for you. Have you lost interest because you arent enjoying it as much as you used to, or because it seems a chore, or routine which gets boring. I was all three. My partner was not interested in my needs, and as a consequence, my needs and pleasure always came second to his. I climaxed maybe once every five or six times he did. This may not sound much of a problem, but when you make the effort to have sex, especially if your not particularly in the mood, you want more than this. You must try to understand your feelings towards sex.
Secondly, you do not mention your emotional feelings towards your partner. Do you love him? You may, because you have been together so long, instantly reply ; of course I do. But you must search deep down for a true answer. In the end, I was staying with my partner out of habit, and fear of what my life would be without him. I grew to rely on his company, even when that company grew boring and did not fulfill any of my needs.
Deep down, you will know if you love your partner or not. Of course, it may not be the tingly, amazing feeling at the start of a new relationship where everything is rosy an exciting, as relationships do settle down and loose this sensation eventually, and leave a firm, strong love and desire for each other.
With my partner, this was not the case. You must try to figure out if it's the same with yours.
Thirdly, regards to no social life. I was the same. I lost contact with all my friends, and we ended up staying in every night of the week, watching telly, or talking to his parents, a very boring relationship.
I got to a point where I realised the relationship was over, based on all these things, but could not bring myself to end it from fear of being alone, fear of having no one to love or love you, or to be with, or have the company of. My boyfriend told me everyday he loved me. Nearing the end, I asked him if he still did, he said yes, with all his heart. The next day, he ended the relationship because he said he didn't love me anymore.
I tried to mend things, even though deep down I was glad to be free, but was devastated from my loss. We did not get back together, and I knew there was no chance of it, but I was still deeply unhappy. Not for too long though. A week, maybe, of upset and hurt, and then it was fine. I regained my social life, and met up with an old spark, and we hit off and I'm going steady with him.
You must try to think deep down whether you see things going anywhere in the future. If you still love him, you must have time apart, socialise and have fun. Whether you do these things apart or together, it doesn't matter, but you must get out and about, make friends, or regain old ones.I too resented my ex for our lack of socialising in any form. If you have talked to him about the matter and he appears to be making no effort to improve things, the relationship is 99% over. There may be hope, but you must decided if thats what you want.
I sympathise greatly, and understand how difficult the decision is to make, especially when you feel you should stick it out, try to make things better for the sake of the time you have shared, and the good times you have gone through. Do not overlook these things in making your decision, but truly, if you are no longer interested in sex, have no social life and you partner is making no effort in improving these things, you must start thinking deeply as to whether the relationship is going to work.
If I can help any further, or you need to chat to a friendly ear further about the situation, please don't hesitate to email me.
Dear elainecox,thank you ever so much for your reply. I have always been critical of people who choose the easy thing instead of the right one. So at the moment my self-esteem is going down the drain - Not so confident and judgemental when it comes to my own decisions, I guess!Can I ask you sthg? If your ex-boyfriend had not decided to break up, how long would you have waited be4 making a decision? I feel like I am allowing myself too much time to decide(or not decide)It is so hard when you are part of a couple and you are recognised as such. By your family, friends, neighbours....I know that my boyfriend loves me. He is generous and caring. And I just love to be loved, if it makes sense...It's a comfort zone. I like the fact that he knows me, that I don't need to pretend with him.I guess I'm not physically attracted to him, though. I have started to see him like my "enemy", the cause of my unhappiness....I used to like his laid back approach to life. Now I find it frustrating. He does try to make things better. He takes me out for dinner. We go to salsa classes. But the problem is that I feel that he needs prompting, that deep down he is not too bother about being "you and me" most of the time.I miss something that I used to have, but he probably doesn't because he was never part of a close group of friends. For so many years his social life has evolved around his family. I would just like for him to be more active, more sociable, more interested/interesting....I would like a more fulfilling life. So perhaps this is an indication that I am not happy with him. But do I just let go? And what if I find out that he wasn't so bad, after all? Maybe I just want to see what's around the corner. But I am so afraid of seeing years of hopes and effort swept away.