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    asdfhelpasdf

    My dad, to put him a few words... the most ignorant man with anger issues. My whole life I hated him, the things he says to me, the things hes done to me. Just thinking about all those memories with my dad just makes me into an angry person. He always hit me when I was young and always says he is going to bruises my body. Those comments and actions have built lots of rage, insecurity, low confidence and most of all hatred for my dad. But I was too afraid to tell him how I feel. Now that I am 19 and bigger than my dad, I just want to pick him up slam his head to the ground and smash his face in, I can't stand him and I want him out of my life. I always have thoughts of fighting him even killing him... one of my greatest wishes is to just beat the shit out of him but without all the aftereffect. My dad is the reason I always come to this website and bitch about my problems. I don't have anywhere else to vent. My dad is the reason I was once suicidal. I am slowly becoming a more mature person and now I see what my dad has done to the my life and my family's lives. At least I can say that if I am ever a dad I can learn from my own dad's mistakes in raising me. Thanks for reading.

    posted in Teen Life & Health read more
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    asdfhelpasdf

    I can't take it anymore... nothing, absolutely nothing is working for me. The past few months has been a downhill roller coaster and i just reached a new peak. I keep screwing up and doing these small little things and they keep getting disappointed and angry at me. I swear god hates me. I have the worst luck in the world. It's like I'm destined for failure. I blame a few people for my depression and low confidence. But the one person I blame the most and I absolutely HATE, is my dad. My dad always makes me feel bad about my self and everything. Honestly he has never said one good thing about me... ever since i was small i remember i always tell my self to hate my dad and i try not to speak to him. But im too nice and I just forget about it. I remember when i was elementary school, i got into a fight with another kid and my clothes was all bloody up. And when i came home my dad went totally crazy. He lifted me off my feet picking me up by the neck of my shirt and yelling while I was crying. To this day i still think about that day and have even more hate in my soul. Messed up thing is that I seen my dad do worse. All this negative energy is building up, and i know i'll be miserable for the rest of my life and I have a horrible future ahead of me, i know it in my heart and my instincts has always pointed in that direction, I don't know why. I hate to think like that, but i just can't help it. I know its too late, I've changed too much. I keep asking my self, whats the point? Seriously i got nothing to live for... I'm not close to anyone in this whole world. I've never given a hug to anyone that i felt comfortable with. Every hug was an akward one, and I never hug any family member in my life. Im not smart at all. I lost all motivation to succeed in life. Im in terrible shape... Im the most unhealthy person in the world. My cigrette smoking is increasing, i always eat unhealthy foods and poor eating habits, i over sleep(but i always have low energy) All my old friends left me for school and had better lives. Recently it just feels akward to hang out with just one person. I know i give off a negative energy and i can tell in their faces and the way they talk. Im not good at anything, i used to be very active and had a passion for soccer, I would keep telling my dad that i wants to do things like fishing, join a soccer league and go places. He would promise me to do it, but never has. Thats where i developed a new interest and hobby, the computer. Wow... its all making sense now, all the pieces of the childhood puzzle is fitting in after writing this. But the only thing i show interest in, my dad thinks negative of it. The one thing in the whole world i have any genuine care for is my mom. But im not close at all with her. I try to give all these signs to my parents that im sad and angry. Like not talking as much as usual, taking deep breaths, putting a angry look in my face. But they never acknowledge it. I wonder if they know. After reading all this i know what everyone thinks sub-consciously, wow this dude has a pretty horrible life. So whats the damn point... should i hang my self now or a when im alittle older. Even before i was depressed, my instincts tell me that im destined for failure, i don't know why. I know im eventually going to do it. My life story is exactly what you would see happen to a middle aged man who killed him self because of how shitty his life was caused by a bad childhood. I have the motive to do it... but i just need the courage. Im trying to do what i always do, just ignore it and get along with my life but i can't help but feel depressed. I can't fake it in public anymore, when im depressed I can't talk. I feel a social anxiety starting to lift off. Im depressed and im going to act depressed in public, i can't help it. Nobody likes a depressed person, my bad energy is just going to unattract everyone. Im not motivated to seek help like therapy. I actually dread seeking help and doing anything. Why me... my life sucks. The happiness is my brain has depleted and its hard to be happy.

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    asdfhelpasdf

    I posted a few threads on how shitty i feel and stuff like that and i still do. I'm wondering if I should just go to a doctor and try to get anti-anxiety or anti-depression pills. For about two years or so I've been getting feelings of uneasiness and uncomfortable especially in public. Sometimes it's so bad that my heart is beating like crazy and i get extremely lightheaded suddenly. I'm usually in a bad mood and I get mad at everything, especially to my family. Right now I have problems with my college and it is overwhelming me, I feel very stressed and worried about college. I feel worthless and I'm always blaming my self. If something is bothering me It's hard for me to stop thinking about it and making my self feel bad.Lately I have so much in my head that I have trouble thinking what to say in a conversation and I would just stutter. I got more problems than this, but this is enough. I was thinking i should just drink alcohol till i get tipsy every time i go out so i can calm my nerves. I'm pretty sure i do need some kind of medication... but i have a few questions.
    Can i go to a family doctor for my case?
    and
    How much are the pills?
    I live in Canada if that matters.

    posted in Depression read more
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    asdfhelpasdf

    In elementary school and middle school i remember my self being more lively and talkative. But all the years in high school i had sum very embarrassing moments that i still think about even to this day and constant regret plagues my thoughts. I started noticing my face get red in embarrassing situations at the end of high school and when people point it out my face turns even more red and more frequent. Now i developed a new anxiety of being singled out in a public place. I hesitate to talk in a crowd or public place in fear of saying sumthing stupid or turning red. My anxiety is also encouraged by me being picked on in my high school days by certain "friends". He would constantly try to put me down and say things like how im never going to get a girlfriend and that im too small. Now that im a little older I see how i let these people run over me and if i just stood up for my self maybe i would have got more respect. My escape from embarrassing moments is being quiet. Whenever i get picked on i just go quiet and feel down. When someone feels sorry for me being picked on too much I just get even more down and i feel like i'm a lower human being. I notice my anxiety almost everywhere. On the bus i get a little paranoid that someone is looking at me and i feel uncomfortable so i start licking my lips or playing with my thumbs or w/e. When i started college i tried to put effort into meeting new friends. A pretty good looking girl that was in my class was outside alone and it was the perfect opportunity to introduce my self, but i just told my self "oh theres still plenty of time you can do it next time"... big mistake. I never even had a girlfriend yet, when i first noticed my anxiety appearing i also noticed that i couldn't talk to girls anymore. Sometimes random girls come up to me unexpectedly and talk to me and i would instantly feel red and people would ask why i was getting so red. Even if im not attracted to the girl at all i would still get red. When the teacher asks me a question in front of the class I would instantly get worried that im turning red that is the number one thing im thinking about at that time. I hate how i look im too skinny and i wear looser clothes to hide my body. I see my self as the perfect example of a loser. I have no accomplishments and im not good at anything that worth something. Whenever im suppose to bring up characteristics that describe my self i can't name any without embarrassing my self. I don't know why but sumtimes whenever i think about my future, I see my self as a bum living on the streets even though I obviously don't want to be a bum i just can't help but think that it is my future. I was encouraged to write this cause last night i had a dream that i was in love with some girl and i had feelings that i never experienced yet. It truly made me think about my life and what i was missing out on. Later in that day during school we were doing self quizzes to find more about our selves and this open my mind even more. Today i promised my self to start working on my self confidence issues, it seems painful right now, but i know it will payoff greatly in the future. Although i have a serious problem with keeping a commitment I will accomplish this goal and tomorrow in class i will sit in the front and force my self to talk to the class slowly building up my comfort level and maybe one day i'll be confident enough to talk to girls. Hopefully in 1-2 years i will read this again as a more confident and happy person. Anyways... thanks for reading my long babbling. I feel a alittle better writing this. Please feel free to give me more advice and encouragement. THANK YOU!

    posted in Teen Life & Health read more
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    asdfhelpasdf

    I don't get along with my dad at all. Over the years after we argue i always promised my self to hate my dad but i always got over it and continue my life normally. But after all the arguing it just built up to the point where i just don't care about him anymore. I purposely don't listen to him so it doesn't look like i gave into his demands. He isn't controlling, but he has anger problems and he is always in a bad mood when hes home and takes it out on me. He is always telling me what im doing wrong and how im going to be unsuccessful in life. He thinks im disappointing him cause im going to college instead of university. He has NEVER said anything nice about me ever. I never gave him a hug and i never shook his hand, no love what so ever. In the rare occasions when i do get along with him and im trying to act friendly it just feels down right awkward. He was always very strict about going to university and how if you don't go to university you will be a nothing. I should have never listened to that advice cause now that im older i realize that his is VERY ignorant and my life would have been alot easier and happier. I hide alot of my real thoughts and feelings to my dad cause im afraid if i tell him hes gonna snap and when he snaps he gets violent and sumtimes suicidal. If he wasn't so mentally unstable i woulda physically fought him many times years ago. I blame my dad for alot of my problems in life because i didn't have the balls to stand up to him when i was younger. Everytime i think about all the bad things he did i just feel like punching him. Right now though hes not violent like he used to. When i was a kid he wouldn't even control his anger. He would just do it without any thought into it. Probably because we were kids and he could boss us around easier and hes older now. But now that im an adult he isn't violent, but he is always in a bad mood and arguing. If ever snap against me or my family again im going to snap even worse.

    posted in Teen Life & Health read more
  • A
    asdfhelpasdf

    Back when i was 13 to 16 years old I used to use the computer alot... probably like more than 55 hours a week. I would rarely go out and my family would think i had no friends. I also developed a very bad case of laziness. I was so lazy I wouldn't even make food for my self. Another big problem the laziness affected me was that I would never do my homework and only play computer games. I used to be smart in school... If i had lower than an 80% i would be disappointed. Weed has introduced me to alot of new people. It gave me a more social life and without it I believe i still would be staying home all day playing computer games. Even though weed does make you more lazy, over using the computer is alot worse than weed in my opinion.

    posted in Addictions read more
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    asdfhelpasdf

    weed has gave me a more social life, but I will admitt... it does reduce ambition for other things. Laziness is a killer!

    posted in Addictions read more
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    asdfhelpasdf

    This started happening today and i never had this problem before. I get this sharp pain every 5 minutes or so. It only lasts for like 1-3 seconds. Its a pain in the same spot, the bottom right. Also that spot is more sensitive now. If i shake my head I can feel that spot in my head more. I also had a cold for a few days would this have a factor in it.

    posted in Teen Life & Health read more
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    asdfhelpasdf

    never tried ecstacy but i heard enuff stories. The usual... non stop moving, grinding teeth, better music, bonding with people and also i heard that u can't get a boner while on E.

    posted in Teen Life & Health read more