I was faced with the "move back home after graduation" situation. I went to school almost 9 hours away (it was the closest school I applied to.. I wanted to get away!)... I knew I would be moving back home after graduation. I plan to move to NYC in the next few years, but I don't currently have the financial stability to do that... So I knew I was going to have to live at home again in order to save up enough money (which is still going to take me another few years to give myself enough of a safety net financially, unfortunately).
My situation is a little different though.. I'm not just living with my parents again.. my grandfather has been living w/ us since June b/c he couldn't afford to live where he was living anymore. That has created an entirely new dynamic in the house... One I'm not fond of. Things here are VERY strained.. and if my goal weren't to save up as much money as quickly as possible to move to NYC, I would get a place around here ASAP.
But I do agree with something OldFolks said... though I won't be able to say it nearly as well... Just because you're back home (in your hometown or otherwise) doesn't mean that you have to try to reconnect w/ old friends from the past. The situation and the experience will be what you make it. Seek out new friends. I've finally started making new friends around here which makes being here a little less of my own personal hell.
So, in short, I think you CAN "go home again".. you just can't expect things to be the same on the second go-around... nor should you want them to be.
You could go ice skating or bowling if you have either of those facilities in your small town (you mentioned the pro-hockey team, so I'm assuming there's a rink nearby.. find out when public skating hours are)... I see you're from Canada, so I'm guessing you have snow on the ground.. you could always go sledding. (The bowling idea may not be the most romantic idea, but it's fun.. and the other 2 ideas can be super sweet and can lead into going for coffee or hot chocolate afterwards to warm up!)
Well, we're not getting all the snow you got.. it's turned to a mix of snow and freezing rain... so, we're only supposed to get 8-12" of snow, but the roads are nasty.. I had a doctor's appointment today that was canceled, and I was supposed to go into work later today, but the store closed... so I'm at home cleaning instead..
ahh yes.. I went to a college that was located in the snow belt by the great lakes... we had significant snow from October 1st through late April (sometimes May) all four years I was there... trudging through that snow was the biggest pain in the ass..
...but now I'm home in MA and we haven't had significant snow fall yet this winter... though I probably shouldn't complain too much b/c we're supposed to get 12 inches tonight w/ lots of freezing rain and sleet tomorrow... which is still not much of anything.. except for the fact that I have to drive to work in it.
I'm going to weigh in on this issue and say that I agree with starfish. I'll recap briefly so that I'm not just being repetitive with what has already been stated in earlier posts...
I consider sex an important part of a relationship. It's not "the most important thing," but for me, physical intimacy has some level of importance in my book. I think emotional intimacy is also important (and perhaps I'd go so far as to say "more" important)... a mental connection needs to be there too... but for me, personally, the physical connection is something I need in a long-term relationship. If I were to have someone in my life that I thought I might be with "forever," and I then discovered that sex would never be an option, it would be something I'd really have to think about. I'm not saying I'd end things on the spot by any means, but I do place some level of importance on physical intimacy. (...If I were with someone for a long time and he then got into an accident that left him disabled and unable to have sex, I would probably stay regardless, which somewhat contradicts my earlier point, but at the same time, it's tough to really say for sure unless put in the situation...)
And I don't consider myself narrow-minded. As starfish stated, some people see sex as more important than others... I don't consider that narrow-minded or superficial or anything of that nature. Physical intimacy has every right to be a factor along with emotional and mental intimacy.
As for the issue of whether or not this topic should be discussed for fear of hurting people's feelings..... Many of the topics on these boards could be considered controversial... If the world tried to be "p.c." enough as not to offend anyone, we wouldn't be saying a whole lot. The point of this community is to ask the tough questions... ask the questions you wouldn't be comfortable asking otherwise... This thread is not bashing or hating on anyone with a disability, nor is it putting them down.
To say that you wouldn't want to be with someone who was incapable of having sex... it's a personal preference. I remember when I first started coming to this community, I saw a thread about people who wouldn't want to date someone overweight. I'm a size 16... I'm probably a good 50 pounds heavier than I "should" be. I am, undoubtedly, overweight. A part of me was a little sad to see guys posting that they would never be with an overweight person... but at the same time, it's the reality of the situation. People have preferences. People know what does and does not attract them. And before you say that my issue isn't something that consumes my life like a disability might, I will argue that for me, it does. Every self-esteem issue that I have stems from my weight. I've been a bigger girl for the majority of my life, and I have no doubt that my depression (clinically diagnosed as type-2 bipolar) stems primarily from my weight. So does it sadden me a bit when someone says they wouldn't want to date someone with a characteristic that I have (overweight, depression, etc)? Sure.. But I would never expect someone to censor him/herself on a forum such as this just because I don't love what s/he has to say. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and on a site like this, as long as someone isn't out-and-out bashing a particular person or group, s/he should feel free to express that opinion.
For every person out there who doesn't prefer a certain "type," there's another person who does. We've seen that in this thread. We see all walks of life here. I don't like everything I read... I'm sometimes offended by the things posted here, but I absolutely defend the right to say those things. I see no hatred being expressed here towards the disabled, therefore, I see no reason that this thread should be locked because of it.
I also apologize for going somewhat off thread topic, but I did reply to the thread questions within my long-winded post.
Oh, I've often had the feeling that I loved him more than he loved me... though he did do a lot for me that I didn't mention in my original post... almost every time we saw each other, it was him driving 5.5 hours each way to see me.. and my freshman year of college, I lived in a double in a dorm, so he would pay for a hotel room for several days every 3-4 weeks when he really had very little extra cash to work with... and I know, paying for stuff doesn't necessarily equate to caring about a person, but there were just lots of things he did do that I left out of the equation. Regardless, I do see where you're coming from and a part of me does agree... especially with how things have been for the last year or more... And trust me, I do try to keep my mind off of him... it's just tough when I find a way to associate just about everything with him in some way. But I do agree with much of what you wrote, and I do appreciate the advice.
Hey there Miss Moderator... nice to see you're still around, even w/ a different user name.
As I said to Helms, I do know that I need to just push myself into a new relationship.. get out there.. meet new people... it's just so hard... and I constantly make excuses for myself. I'm currently working in management at a women's clothing store (not at all what I want to be doing long-term, but it's full time and I have benefits, so it works for now)... So the only men I see are married or shopping for their girlfriends... So I actually have to make a point to go out socializing in order to find men... unfortunately, I'm never really going to just bump into an available guy where I'm working right now... But then, I think, do I really want to pick up a guy at a bar...? ....And so the excuses start. heh. I just need to work my way beyond the excuses...
haha I don't know that "that's where I've been" per se... I've been more so finishing college than anything else. Though, admittedly, that guy has consumed a good portion of my life...
I have a feeling that, as you said, he and I will always be a part of each other's lives... though he seems to want less to do w/ me when he's in a relationship... but we'll see where time leads things. As you said, I do need to get myself into another relationship... I need to just force myself to try or I'm gonna get stuck in this rut for longer than I'd like to be.
Thank you for the advice... and thank you for making me feel like I was actually missed around here... :smile:
I'm sure similar issues to this one have been posted on here in the past, and I should probably check through old archives before posting this, but here goes anyway... (warning: this is going to be extremely long because I want to give the back story that I think is necessarily to understand the situation)
In 2000, I met a guy online ("Shawn"). We chatted frequently for the next two years. In that time, I also became online friends with his real-life girlfriend who he was living with (along with 2 others in a 4-person apartment.. all single rooms). In August of 2002, we started talking on the phone. Conversations frequently lasted 7+ hours at night. By October, he broke up with the girlfriend (who quickly stopped chatting with me) and chose to be with me. We met in October (he traveled to see me at my college, but had to bring the ex because it was her car).. It was awkward with all three of us meeting, but I didn't care because I finally got to meet this guy I had been falling for... So, he and I were officially "together" at that point. We dated from October 2002 until July 2003. He got his own vehicle in November 2002, so he drove up to visit me (5.5 hr drive each way) once every 2-3 weeks or so. So, although it started out as an online relationship, we did see each other a lot.
After we broke up in the summer 2003, I talked to his ex online and she admitted to me that they had continued to sleep together for the first 3 months he was with me. (I had suspected this, of course, since he was still living with her at the time, but I chose to trust him.) I was devastated, but we started talking again around October 2003. He came up to see me in October 2003. We slept together. He came up to get me in December 2003 and brought me back to his home to be at his college graduation, then drove me back to my college afterwards so I could finish with finals (so LOTS of driving in a few day period). We slept together over that time as well. Meanwhile, he had fallen for a girl he worked with, but she wasn't all that interested.
In January 2004, we decided to give "us" another shot. We saw each other 3 times between the beginning of Jan and the end of Feb... spent V-Day together (which is also his birthday)... which was amazing and romantic. In March 2004, we broke up because the girl he had fallen for earlier had finally given him the time of day. He almost immediately started dating her ("Jody") and supposedly fell in love. I, of course, was devastated once again. I quickly jumped into a relationship with a guy who actually went to my college who I could actually see every day ("John"). He and I dated for over a year... I loved him, but I was never "in" love with him. The entire time, I was hung up on Shawn. In August 2004, while I was with John, Shawn called me to tell me things had ended with the girl he had left me for. He wasn't necessarily looking to get back together with me, but he hadn't spoken to me since March (his choice, not mine) and now he wanted to talk again. So, we were talking again. He came to visit me in October at my college. I told John I just needed closure with Shawn and that nothing would happen (which was a total lie). Shawn and I slept together several times that weekend (it's the only time I've ever cheated on a boyfriend.. which I know doesn't make it any better, but just saying..)
In December 2004, Shawn asked me to break up with John to be with him. I told him I needed time to think about it. I was scared. He'd hurt me twice already and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back for more, even if I was still in love with him. A few days before New Years, Shawn basically informed me that he was tired of waiting and he was going to try to work things out with Jody. In retaliation, I spent New Years with John in NYC and told Shawn all about it afterwards. Shawn and I stopped talking again for a period of time.
March 2005. John and I spent our spring break in San Fran. Shawn and I were talking again, and I told him how much I missed him via txt while I was on vacation with John. John and I broke up about 2 weeks after the vacation. Shawn and I talked all summer. We were both single (things hadn't worked with him and Jody the second time around.. she left him for someone else apparently). I wanted to get back together with him, but he just wanted to be friends. He came to visit me at college yet again in October 2005. Again, we slept together the entire time he was there. He still insisted on being "just friends" though. He would also mention the girls at work that he was interested in, and talked frequently about one in particular who he almost started dating (but she ultimately decided not to leave her current bf)...
(Are you all bored out of your mind yet?? haha) ....By January 2006, I told Shawn that I couldn't be "just friends" with him anymore... Since he didn't want to be "with" me, I couldn't talk to him anymore. He told me he understood, but that if I ever needed him as a friend, to contact him, and he'd be there for me in a heartbeat.
In June 2006, I decided I was strong enough to talk to him again. I emailed him and asked him to talk to me again. He said he was willing to talk via email, but that he didn't want to talk on the phone because (I'm paraphrasing here) we get too close when we talk on the phone, and we always know where the other stands emotionally after talking on the phone for a short period of time, even if we haven't spoken for months (which was the case at that point). Basically, to me, it sounded like he had a girlfriend and he didn't want to talk to me on the phone for fear of getting too close again.. Whenever he had a girlfriend or was close to getting one before (for the most part), he didn't really want to talk to me. It happened both times with Jody.
So, I agreed to talk via email... However, even talking via email didn't seem like something he wanted. I would email him and it would take him a month or more to respond. I know he read my emails within a day or two of my sending them (yes, I'm horrible.. I checked.. he never changed his pw from when we were together)... I also discovered in checking that he was, in fact, dating someone... and they're in love based on their emails to each other... and she has the same name as me which seriously kills me b/c I don't think I could ever date anyone with the same name as him.......
In November 2006, I told him that if he couldn't even both responding to my emails in a timely fashion with actual personal info (his emails, which were so few and far between, were always short and impersonal w/ almost no info about how he was doing)... that he shouldn't email me at all anymore. So we didn't talk through email at all from November until now.
I emailed him last week saying that I missed him, and that I realized over the past several months that I'd rather talk to him via email once in a blue moon than not have him in my life at all in any capacity... I know he read it... I also know that he's planning to go on a cruise with his girlfriend in May... which kills me to know............. I haven't heard back from him yet...
Ok... so now that I've written a novel... My problem....... How the hell do I get over him?! He's not my first boyfriend.. he's not even the first guy I slept with.. He's not the first guy I've loved, but he IS the first guy I was truly "in love" with (I think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them)... He's the only guy that's ever made me feel alive. I felt whole when I was with him. It really felt like a piece of me was missing before him, and that he was the missing piece... and since him, I've felt like something was missing again. I can't get over him. No matter how much time passes (we haven't been together since March 2004.. I haven't heard his voice in over a year)... I still can't let him go. I dated someone for over a year after him and it didn't help... I feel like the only way I can get over him is to fall for someone else, but I feel like I can't open up to another guy until I'm over Shawn b/c it wouldn't be fair to the new guy.
And I know, the first step would be to stop checking up on him... To stop emailing him and checking to see if he's read the emails. I need to cut him out.. but I keep trying to do that and I can't. I've tried so many times and I just can't do it. And I know I need to start dating again (I haven't dated anyone since John and I broke up in March 2005)... but I'm still so hung up on Shawn that I feel like it wouldn't be fair to another guy when my heart is still with someone else.
I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need professional help. I know it's not healthy to still be hung up on someone like this. He's not good for me. He's also obviously not interested in me. And yet, I play with the idea of taking time off from work and traveling 10 hours (now that I'm living at home again, I'm 10 hours away from where he lives as opposed to the 5.5 hours from where I went to school)... just to see him. Emailing him and saying "If I just happened to be in your area, would you be willing to see me?" ....which I know is totally unhealthy.... and I don't know that I'd truly ever do it, but I think about it....
What do I need to do to get over him? Or am I so far beyond advice that I need to see a professional therapist? ...I probably gave way more info than I needed to here.. and probably left out stuff I should have put in... but that's the long and short of it... He has consumed my world for about 5 years now and I don't know what to do....... any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry for being so long-winded with my typing... Kudos to you if you actually read this all the way through...