N A relationship w/ some 1 w/ a kid

---

this is directed for some of the older crowd on here. so if you've ever been with someone that already had a child prior to you starting a relationship with them, then i'd love it if you'd share your experiences/advice.okay, i've been seeing this girl for about three and a half weeks... she has one son. i'm really feeling this girl and all. but like her having a son with someone else, kinda ties her to the baby daddy and keeps her from being able to just pick up and go anytime she wants. i dont want to leave her just b'cos she has a kid. but i dont really like the inconveiniance of us not being able to see each other as often as we could. man i wanna be first with any girl that i'm with (until we have kids together then yes put the children first at all cost) and if they have a kid(s) then i know i'd never be first in their heart. i know it's selfish of me but i'm just not comfortable with stepping into a ready-made-family, sort of speak. so my question is. how can i get over this selfish feeling? and if i'm feeling this way should i even be persuing this relationship?

I haven't been in this situation, but I know someone who has. To do it, you have to be prepared to treat the child on an equal footing with any of your own, while at the same time accepting that he won't see you as his father. From what you say, it doesn't seem that you can do that, so I don't think you should be pursuing the relationship.

If you want to be first with any girl you're with, as you've said, you'd be better off forgetting about having a relationship with any woman who has a child, as her child will always be first in her eyes, I can tell you that as a mother myself. It's only natural and in no way selfish on her part.Having said that, if you rule out all women who've got kids from prior relatoinships you are being fair, least of all, on yourself. This is the real world and you've just got to accept everyone you meet has got history. If it isnt a kid, it'll be something else. Myself and my boyfriend have three kids between us, and none with eachother. We're happy and in love and we accomodate eachother and eachothers kids. If you love her you'll make it work.

well i know it's not selfish on her part.... any woman that puts anyone other than their kid first would be a bad parent in my eyes. it's selfish on my part... i'm not trying to compete with her child for first place in her heart...thats unrealistic! also, as for ruling out any woman with kids...well that's just close minded and shallow. which i 'try' not to be (not to say that i see my self as being) i just wanna know if there's anyone out there that has been where i am now, and how things worked out. cause i can except that in our relationship we'll both (along with the baby-daddy) have to put the concern of their child first. i just have this apprehension that i wanna get over cause i'm a grown adult and am will to except things for what they are...i have to be right? i just wanna be able to hear from someone else what to expect. cos all this is new to me. and i'm willing to put forth all the effort i can muster. iguess i really asked the wrong questions in the original post. i just wanna hear from someone that has been, or is, in a relationship with someone with a kid/kids and has no kids of their own... not, well i've known someone... or i heard that... blah blah blah.

thanks starfish for your reply....i'll pm as soon as i get a chance. cheerio!

Well, when I met the man I'm with now, I have to admit I was a bit perplexed as to go about how to have a relationship with somebody who had kids, as I'd never had the experience before. That may sound a bit strange as I've got one myself, and had been in two relationships before I met this man, with men who had to accept that I had a kid, but well, it was just new to me.I just had to accept that there were other people who came first in his life and I suppose I got a taste of what the last two men I'd been with had had to get on with. It turned out it really wasnt a big deal, it didnt affect our relationship nearly as much as I'd thought it would, but in my case my blokes two kids were thirteen and fourteen when we met. I'd imagine things would have been a good deal more stressful if they'd been babies!

i'm just wondering how am i suppose to treat her son (whose 5). it's not like i can treat him like my own, cos i dont have my own child. i have nephews. but like i dont have to get on to them, or do anything other than play and have a good time with them. also, i dont wanna be seen as an mean step father or anything like that. mainly cos this relationship seems to be moving toward a serious note. not that we're rushing things. we just see eye to eye on a lot of things. though there are a couple of things that we disagree on. but of course, that's to be expected. i've just been use to all those girls that were shallow and superficial. and try too hard to be about something. she's not and she also moving in the same direction as i am. which i might add is very hard to find. granted she's not anywhere near the looks of my ex's but that's not a must in my eyes. i just have a good feeling about her. i never met anyone as well grounded in train of thought as she is. i mean she isnt trying to reach for anything that she dont need. unlike the lot of girls i'd seen in the past. she herself is wondering why i'm not trying to jump her bones or impress her with stupid antics like the guy's that chased her in the past. and i feel like i'm getting too old to be trying to impress her with trying to be a certain way. (it's feeling more natural this way anyhow) i'm just not for sure how to treat her kid. b'cos, so far this is feeling a lot like the last serious relationship i had. and if thats the case then i wanna start out on the right foot with her son... i've just never had to deal with this type of situation b4. will it just come to me naturally?

I think you're lucky on two points; first that he's a boy and second because he's five. Since he's a boy it'll be easier for you to relate to how little boys operate, what sort of stuff they like to play with etc, relating to him on that level will come more easily to you than if he'd been a girl.Also five is a great age, ideal I think, because you've missed the really stressful baby period yet he's sill young enough to form bonds with new people with relative ease. I'm in a rush here, have to bring my own son to the hospital for a check up. Will pm you about all this later, x.

Speaking from experience...It can be very complicated, but it can be very good, if you're ready for it. The child will probably have some trauma from the divorce. So will your girlfriend. Kids are also brilliant at setting one parent againsts another to get what they want, and the parents will feel guilty about subjecting the child to divorce, and might be inclined to overindulge him. If the parents don't agree about the basics of child rearing, like discipline, it can make things even more complicated.In any case, you'll have to be ready to take on some of the responsibilities of a parent, even though the child won't see you as their actual father. In the back of your mind will be the question, "If we break up, how tough will it be on the kid, given what he's already gone through?" But if you really like and care for the woman, and get along with her child, it can be a great experience.

well we're just getting to the good part of the relationship. so i think there's still a long rocky complicated road ahead. and i'm not the type of person that will fold under pressure. so thnx for the advice. it's appreciated.